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The reason's I want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JonathanK, Apr 27, 2009.

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  1. JonathanK

    JonathanK Well-Known Member

    It all crashed at once on July 31, 2003. This is gonna sound weird, but I it all went down hill when I was 16. I was at ozzfest 2003, and I smoked some weed when Voivod came on. Nothing too bad. I met the guy from Motogrtor and had a good time. Then someone passed me another joint, and then Cradle of Filth came on. I didn't feel right. After they were done with their set, I kept hearing all these crazy voices in my head that weren't there. They sounded like COF's Opera singer. Then I started hearing my Dad's voice and people that weren't there. Everything looked like Jerky frames in a slowed down movie. I walked aimlessly around some tables near the entrance of the VIP tent and ran into a rail. Some guys said, "the entrance is that way" and started laughing at me like I was some sort of druggie. I went back to the VIP tent and met up with my sister and brother in law. Mind you, this was the second time I had been high on weed. It wasn't the normal mellow high I had been accustomed to a few weeks earlier on the fourth of july. It was laced with some sort of deliriant I believe.

    I was in a very scared paranoid state. My sister actually led me by hand to the main stage. I wasn't enjoying any of the music. I was just scared. I told my sister what the effects were like, and she said it didn't sound like weed. Anyway, by the time the show was over, the hallucinations were gone. They didn't stick around for Ozzy, because they were angry at me for smoking laced cannabis. The funny thing is that it would have been all ok if I had had a normal joint. For a whole month, I heard voices and saw shadow like hallucinations in my peripheral vision. I kept praying to feel the normal way I had prior to that experience. My hearing wasn't as good as it was before, I couldn't see as clearly, my memory was worst, and i couldn't articulate as well. In fact, sometimes all that would come out were unintelligible sentences, and people would just look at me in an awkward stare. It was like hell. All my peers at school, for a whole year, thought I was stoned or high on something everyday. Kids would be surprised when I told them that I didn't smoke. They thought I was lying. Teachers thought I was high, Everyone just sort of looked down at me.

    The irony of it all was that at times I could concentrate really briefly and get my non-dimmed vision and non-dimmed hearing back for brief moments. It would be during exercises of intense concentration, accompanied by prayer. Then, as if God was playing some sort of cruel, practical joke, it would dissipate.

    My senior year, my boss asked me if I was a big stoner who smoked a lot of weed. I said no, and she gave me that yah right look. The truth was that I wasn't a pothead. I had only smoked 5 times in my life up to that point, including the laced joint incident.

    People were always wanting to smoke with me. I noticed that they didn't look burnt out and figured the weed they were smoking was ok.

    ...and it was

    My parent's thought I was doing hard drugs

    I just got unlucky and had a joint laced with some sort of neuro-toxin that probably damaged my brain.

    I haven't recovered from it. I'm 22 now and more depressed than ever.

    I've smoked a bit more weed since then, but not any amount to qualify me as a stoner. I just smoke it, because its easier to socialize with that crowd.

    Nobody else wants to hang with me, because they think I'm some sort of druggie. I've never done anything else, besides what was accidentally ingested. However, people assume I've done cocaine, acid, shrooms, whatever. When I do smoke, its very occasional. I keep getting comments like "for someone who doesn't smoke much, you seem pretty burnt out".

    Its degrading.

    I used to be so outgoing, and perceptually, the world was clear and wonderful.

    Now everything seems like a fast blur. That's how life goes by.

    Sometimes I spend whole days in my room, listening to depressing music

    Depeche Mode - Blasphemous Rumors

    Smashing Pumpkins - The Greatest Day

    The Cure - Desintegration

    I can't take it anymore.

    A few hurs ago, I could have done it. I had the rope all set up in my closet and had a noose around my neck. I was ready for self strangulation, but then I wimped out.

    People look down at me with some sort of heir of superiority.. I hear conversations sometimes from people who talk about smoking weed. A lot of times, they're very clear headed and well spoken. They just got lucky and didn't smoke any with bad stuff mixed in it. I smoked weed, only my second time, and I became a complete burn out over night.

    Its amazing.

    I'm 22, and I live with my parents. I don't have a girl friend. I can't get a job, even though I have no criminal record. I mean, I applied for a factory job, and they turned me down, because I couldn't talk straight in the interview. I failed a very simple IQ test.

    I'm failing a college class. It takes me 6 hours to do work that takes a normal person 2.

    I'm sick of it. I want to die

    One of my friends killed himself back in October. He used to comment about how I look stoned and such.

    Worst of all, I feel pathetic, because I'm spilling this all out. I've kept this pretty much hidden for 6 years. I haven't told anyone. It makes me feel very weak when I open up like this.

    I think I'm a rather caring person. However, I kind of distance myself. There's been a number of instances where I'm too quiet with friends. This sours the relationship, and then they don't want to talk to me

    One time when I was smoking with some friends of a friend, they wouldn't give me my space. They just kept bugging me and tormenting me. Because I was overly quiet, and I guess kind of came off creepy, someone was calling me a freak and weirdo. They just didn't have a general trust of me. I'm not quiet because I'm hiding anything. I'm quiet, because I'm mentally disabled. I wish she could have understood that.

    I feel like my youth has been robbed from me. Everything after 16 has just been a blur. I really hope I die. Its like, every night, I always wish that I never wake up. When I can, I sleep for hours upon hours, often pretending that the blankets are the walls of a casket. One time, I slept, for a whole 20 hours. It makes me feel closer to the one thing I want, death.

    I just wish I could think myself out of existence.

    I know there's good people. My parents are letting me stay at their house, which is nice of them. My quality of life is horrible though, due to my mental condition. I feel like life is some sort of cosmic, practical joke, and if there are any conscious forces behind it, I don't want to continue to be apart of their little game.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm sorry that happened to you. It really doesn't seem fair.

    But I'm glad you didn't die. Talking about what happened doesn't make you pathetic or weak. It wasn't your fault; you didn't know what was in the weed.

    If you ever want to talk, you can PM me anytime.
  3. JonathanK

    JonathanK Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I'll try getting ahold of you on MSN

    If someone wants to talk to me, please message me at JonathanKeen@hotmail.com or give me some contact info. A part of me wants to find joy in life again. I just really need to talk to someone.
  4. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    If it's any consolation to you I had a negative experience with weed as well.

    I'm not sure it damaged me any but I know for certain I'm never getting high again.

    My 4th time smoking or so, I kept smoking more, and I had a bad trip. I couldn't focus, I was walking in the street, hearing shit, not hallucinating, I could hardly breathe, I was violently shaking. Worst experience of my life.
  5. JonathanK

    JonathanK Well-Known Member

    weird. I don't want to be some sort of example for the DEA to use as why it should remain illegal. Alcohol messes people up pretty bad too. While I believe people should be allowed to consume both without having to worry about going to prison, I don't really want to do either.

    Unlike alcohol, which inhibits your ability to realize your own intoxication, cannabis makes you hyper aware of its intoxicating effects. This can be pretty overwhelming. While its actually been rather good to me for the most part, I want to quit for good.
    I just don't get joy out of intoxication anymore. Its gotten old.

    I think if it was legal, I wouldn't have had that problem. Its sort of like how people went blind in the 30's from drinking illicit hooch that had been tainted with terpentine.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 27, 2009
  6. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Sorry to hear what you're going through.

    I've been in a rather bad place myself, if you want to talk my MSN is in my profile.
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