the reasons why i'm doomed

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ipse_Dixit, Feb 20, 2008.

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  1. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    i'm a 34 year old man
    starting at age 8 through 34 years old, inclusive:
    abused sexually, emotionally, physically...
    told by mother "you make life miserable"

    my worth has continuously taken hits, been bludgeoned. parts of me have been literally cut and burned. parts of me have been destroyed. the only part of me i cared for has been destroyed.

    i have lost touch with any part of me that has a capacity to interact with the world.

    i have tried for 20+ years to get help. i've been to dozens of professional helpers (doctors and mental health professionals and been in the hospital)
    and all of them have treated me like a deliquient in the end. the helpers have hurt me. help = danger.

    i tried to get help because i had lost all of my self-worth was obliterated as i grew up. if i had the ability to 'help' myself i wouldn't have gone to the professionals.

    john donne wrote "no man is an island...." i could carry on alone...just continue to breath....but i'd be alone and that is agony. and there'd sure to be some incidental contact with the human race and i would end up doing what it seems i do all the time -- cause pain for someone else, just by my presence. without even trying i seem to cause pain and people always need to get away from me.

    after all the abuse, after all the years of pain, after trying to get help to heal and to "just live" and finding myself only getting hurt by ALL the professionals who were supposed to be helping but have made asking for help a danger....i'm in a no-win situation.

    i have always had an independent personality, always needing to take care of myself and never rely on anyone because i've never been able to depend on anyone....

    people can perhaps "love" me.....but through all the years i have found i do not have the capacity to have a healthy relationship with anyone and my "love" for others is always sullied and unhealthy. no one has stayed long enough for me to see otherwise.

    in the end i'm always alone, i'm always having to pick myself up but since i never had a developed a belief in myself in the first place....having to pick myself up is not really picking myself up at all.....

    another reason i'm doomed is because once i believe in the task and commit myself to it, i follow the end. i've never believed in my worth, ever. so i've never been able to commit to that task and follow it through. i needed help on that....but, as said, help now, pardoxically, equals danger. so no help is possible. but i have come to believe in my death. sometimes you have to do things even if you are afraid to do them. like going to the dentist to get a cavity drill. you fear it but go the dentist anyone, because it is for the greater good. i fear ending my life, but go anyone because it is for the greater good.

    i do not see how, after 20+ years, that this is going to change.

    can anyone see it changing?

    two more days.....two more days.....

  2. almosteasy

    almosteasy Well-Known Member

    Wow, thats a lot to have gone through. I've been there with the "professionals" myself. Ony difference if I discovered their inablity to help even quicker.

    I wish I had some genuine advice for you that may help but sadly I dont. Anything I say will sound like the generic bs people tell you like "stick it through, life gets better or its a permanent solution to a temporary problem" so I wont say anything.

    But I do understand what you feel. I feel it myself. I do want to ask you though, why only 2 more days? Why not 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years?
  3. almosteasy

    almosteasy Well-Known Member

    I just read your old posts and answered my question, but feel free to expound on it. I would like to hear more.
  4. GabrielConroy

    GabrielConroy Well-Known Member

    "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation" You are not alone the people who have what you want are probably not happy.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 20, 2008
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