lately, i've been reading (here and elsewhere) of people's experiences at the brink of self-destruction when they were brought back from the edge by something. in some cases, it was the intervention of a loved one, or the timely plea of a pet, or even just a stranger's kind word. i have come to recognize from these that there is some higher power -- whatever you put your faith in . . . a god if you are religious, or karma, or just the universe -- that intercedes to keep safe those souls or spirits. looking at my life through an objectively critical and analytical lens, i can see clearly that i have lots and lots of reasons to keep fighting and to stay here. but i know that i no longer have the desire . . . seeing the absolute mess that i have made of my life, the disasters i have imposed upon the lives of everyone who matters, everyone about whom i care, i know that my selfish reasons for wanting to continue to be here, to be alive, don't amount to anything. i should not be here, and whatever strength i had to keep up the fight is sapped entirely by the recognition that, by leaving now, i do not necessarily make amends to those around me who i have harmed, but at least the damage is stayed and maybe things become easier for them. isn't that enough of a reason to do the right thing? isn't that a good enough excuse for going along with the screams of every cell within me that just wants to finally give up?