The Right Thing?

[Drops]

Hi, PLEASE, i really need help with this. this is my first post, i never thought i'd ask for help to anyone again but its completely eating me up.
i've been thinking about it for months and still havent come up with any solution. i cant talk about it with anyone, nobody would understand... and its really driving me crazy... please, someone answer me... PLEASE... any comment will be greatly appreciated.

i have a suicidal plan. last step is telling my therapist i wont see him anymore (he doesnt know about the plan). i have already told him a few times i feel i should stop seeing him but then i cant act on it. i've explained him why i cant stay and why i cant leave: i'd see both options as a big betrayal on my part. so i've asked him to send me away, because it would be "right" but he refuses to do it. i see he's right, i should take responsibility for my decisions. so now...
my dilemma is about HOW ending therapy. it is VERY important for me. ending it in the right way is part of the plan, i need to do the right thing.

ideally i'd tell him the truth about why i want to quit therapy... i'd tell him my plan... i'd tell him im at peace cause my plan is "perfect" and im finally ready. i feel i kind of OWE him the truth. also... that would be doing what I feel is the best thing for ME only. it would make me feel good to tell him. i would be at peace. and thinking about what *I* feel is something that HE taught me. he should be happy for me.
BUT im afraid he'll have to follow his priorities and he wont just let me go or he'll have to call my family or somthing. AND even if for me suicide is a good thing, i know it wouldnt be for him. I DONT WANT TO BE BAD FOR HIM. would i?

on the other hand, if i dont tell him... it would be harder for me. both because i'd feel i wouldnt have been honest with him (and i know he knows theres something im not telling him... i've always been honest with him... so i feel i'd betray him not telling everything) and because i know he'd know i didnt trust him enough to tell him something so important for me. and that would be bad for him too. he deserves my trust! i dont want him to think i didnt trust him or he somehow failed me. (but does he deserve to have a patient that quits therapy to commit suicide and tells him???)
BUT at least i'd avoid any problem to him and to myself.

what do you think?
i dont have much time to think about it anymore. and months of thinking havent brought me to any decent solution.

please, help. im going crazy. i cant decide.
what would be better for him? bad truth or false happy ending?
i need to do the right thing.

thank you,
Drops

 

[carol2237]

Drops,

I think you need to tell your therapist your plan. You are right, he deserves to know how you are feeling. This will mean that he will have to tell the authorities, and that you will get help. I understand that you do not think you want or need help, however, you do. Who knows, you might come out of it feeling better than you have in a long time. Your comitting suicide is not going to be good for him either way. He will feel like he should have known, that he should have seen it coming if you dont tell him, and if you do, and he doesnt do anything about it, it WILL be his fault. It is his job to help you through those feelings, and if he just let you go through with it, he is not doing his job.

Now, I hope you dont go through with your plan, no matter how "perfect" it is. Your death will affect many more people than you can imagine. There is no pain equivalent to that of suicide. Everyone you have ever talked to, all of your friends, family, people you have never talked to, i mean everyone. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this difficult time in your life. I wish you the best, and that you may see the light at the end of the darkness that has surrounded you for so long. Feel free to PM me at anytime, i am here for you.

No plan is foolproof, there is always a chance of survival.

gles*
Caroline

 

[gentlelady]

I agree with Caroline. You should let your therapist know what is going on with your thoughts and feelings. It is the only way he can help in any way at all. With only part of the picture, he may give misleading advice. Give him the chance to help if he can. I know you say you don't want to be helped, but the fact that you are posting and posing this type of question, shows that you do care and that hope is possible. Let him know and accept what he offers you. stay safe and take care. :hug:

 

[Drops]

Thank you both very much for answering.

Caroline, i truly appreciated your reply. Thank you for being there. i really need to understand the consequences of telling/not telling... for him and for me.

so... if i tell him about the plan he'll be forced to do something? wont i be free to leave?

and if i dont tell him and quit, he wont get to know whether im still alive or not, so he wouldnt feel bad for that. i just dont want to quit and leave him with the feeling that i didnt trust him.

i had the idea that maybe if i told and explained that it is a choice and im happy about it, then he wouldnt feel bad.
is this reasonable? can i expect this?

i've struggled with these questions for so long... i have nobody else to ask.
hope someone will answer,
thank you,
drops

 

[carol2237]

Drops,

Yes, he will be forced to tell someone, although i suppose it could be different where you are, but i doubt it. It is his job to keep you safe, letting you go, knowing your intentions is not doing that.

If you dont tell him, he will find out. Whether it is from a family member of yours or an obituary, he will know.

No, i would not think that would be reasonable. To a therapist, all that means is that you are severely depressed and probably need more help than they can offer. They are trained to know when they can help and when to turn it over to an inpatient program., although some may draw the line in different places. Hope this helped a little bit. As i said, PM box is always open, feel free to send a message.

gles*

Caroline

 

[Sadeyes]

Your struggle shows how much you care and respect your therapist...maybe looking at that will allow you to see that you have begun (it is a process) to have intimacy in your relationships...I guess what I am saying, is that maybe the alternative question (the shadow) is how to explore this intimacy without suicide on the table...this is truly a more difficult journey; I know both the issues of being su and not telling, and finding a way to have intimacy without being su...please PM me if I can be there for you...big hugs, J

 

[Drops]

Caroline, thank you again.
i still wonder though how could he get to know if i die after i quit therapy. my family doesnt even know im seeing a T and why should the obituary inform him especially if im no more his patient?

Sadeyes, thank you. your point of view is interesting. you're right, i care and respect my T very much. and actually thats why i want to quit before doing it. but im not looking for more intimacy in the relationship, i just want to end my life without being bad for him.


well, i guess that if he couldnt just accept it and be happy for me, then telling would be worse for him than not telling. right?
because even if he doesnt get to know what happens to me, still quitting right after telling him about my intentions is not really a good thing. i guess it would be worse than just the feeling i didnt have the courage to tell him all.

Thank you for talking with me and thank you for offering me to PM you, i appreciate it very much but at the moment i'd prefer not letting anyone close or myself getting close to anyone, even if its just a little bit.
Heartfelt thanks anyway,
takecare,
drops

 

[Sadeyes]

Drops, your attitude toward protecting your T shows both intimacy and integrity...you care for him as he has cared for you...with the standards of compassion/respect you display, you seem to be a person the planet needs dearly...please PM me if you want to talk...been where you are and so glad I decided to stay here (although it is the most difficult thing I have ever done)...big hugs, J

 

[carol2237]

Drops,

The obituary will not inform him in particular, however, my aunt has been a therapist for 26 years and has kept and framed every obituary from every one of her clients, whether they died by suicide or not. You mean more to your therapist than you realize.

I also agree with sadeyes. You have shown that you care about your T and want what is best for him. You seem to be a very kind compassionate person, and i agree, the world needs more people like you around here.

Drops, i still strongly believe you should tell your therapist what is going on. Who knows, you might be like sadeyes and comeout of this happy you are still here. I sure hope so. PM is still open

Caroline

 

[Drops]

Thank you, thank you both so much.

...now, understood what would be better for him... i've been focusing on the plan. im scared. im so scared it wont work, or worse, i wont have the courage to complete it. what if i fail? then i'll have lost everything.

sorry, i feel im going crazy. i had to let it out.
thank you for listening,
drops

 

[Sadeyes]

Drops...again I call your attention to the shadow...when you feel you have lost everything, this is the time to be the most honest...when I had to take account of my shame and guilt, I was able to see that this cannot be what I live my life from...as painful as it is to see how imperfect I am, and how I continue to this day living, at times, as if I do not count, the most understanding and truthfulness I was able to find, came from a time when I felt I had nothing to loose...just my 2 sense...J