The right time and the right reason to look for love again...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Deleted SKU, May 6, 2016.

  1. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    After my last break-up I was distraught for a long time. It was no revelation, but while I'm not much good at making relationships, I'm far worse when losing them. I'm not deluding myself, I know that there is far more chance for any attempt at a relationship to fail than to succeed. But I took time out, to try to resolve that in myself, before looking for someone else to share my life. And a year and a half later, I don't think I'm any nearer to that. In truth, the only thing that time is done for me is made me even more aware of my shortcomings, and inability to overcome them. But with awareness, I can at least make sure the worst of those don't effect how I get on with others. To all outside appearances, I'm largely 'normal'.

    The other interesting thing I've found while getting older, is that I tend to be someone who others look for advise from when dealing with their own relationships. I'm the oldest person at my workplace (but not yet even 30), and I guess my own awareness over the mistakes I've made in the past mean I can help others to avoid the worst of them. For some time I guess I was satisfied with this status quo, or at least as far as the things in my life which hurt me went was a little way down the list, but recently I've found myself feeling more and more lonely. In many ways I don't feel as old as I am, I still have the passions and the insecurities of someone a few years younger... but then I also feel older, with what I have been through in my life so far, so the conflict between the idea there is plenty of time, and that my time is almost up is hard to find a resolution for.

    I guess the first thing I ask, is loneliness a good enough reason to look for love? Or is it selfish, to want to find someone to fill that hole in myself, especially while I am in this state of being. Love isn't about perfection, it's about accepting imperfections in each other... but is being an insecure, self-destructive mess of a human being too big an imperfection to look over?

    And how do I approach it? The most honest thing would be to make it clear early on that this is who I am, as unhappy as I am in this state, and let the other person decide whether it was something they could work with or not. Brutal honesty I can do, but it's too deep a load to drop on someone from the start. But I would feel as though I were being dishonest if I kept this from someone for any length of time (I don't mean I'd drop it all in on the first date, just within that first period of getting to know someone). Maybe this is the wrong place to ask, but I guess I wonder how a potential partner would react... because while I want to be honest, I also hope to be successful in finding someone in time, and I'm not sure if the two are mutually exclusive.
    StellaAnne likes this.
  2. silis

    silis Active Member

    dont look
    if it happens, it happens
    all you need is friends
    and the most important quality they could have is understanding, meaning that they wont get angry if you get angry, rather they would be concern and try to help you, but not rush the help to get it over with, and they wont leave you because off any negativity
    i hope you, and everyone can find at least one person during their live that can help them like this
  3. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    Friendship... isn't quite the same. It's important, but I never have the same emotional intimacy with a friend as I do with someone I'm in a relationship with... though in truth I've got barely any friends in my life either, for largely the same reasons.

    I feel though that I have to act, that leaving it to fate... leaves me in the same position I've been in most of my life, hoping that luck or fate or any force that may or may not exist in the universe to give me what I need, and... life doesn't work like that.