the round about unending ignore phase (on Earth)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mortdesinos, Dec 20, 2010.

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  1. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    I thought about posting this under the Uncertainty Principle, because it has to do with something I don't understand, some reaction that people often seem to have towards me that is beyond me. But, as it happens often, rather than pertaining to one incident, and it really has me flustered, I am posting it here. I am not a very extroverted person, so why is it that I call people much more often than they call me, and I get ignored unendingly from people who had spoken to me but never even gotten to know me well. I understand someone may be busy at times. Everyone is busy sometimes, or having a bad day when they just don't want to talk to anyone.

    But when I'm in a food court at my university, I look at all the people talking to each other in amazement, since I am almost always one of the people not talking. The same thing happens in classes, where people have friends. I have met people in classes, clubs, through roommates, but the friendships dissolve. I get ignored most of the time, and funny enough, if I don't get ignored I just feel uncomfortable with the person and don't go out of my way to try to make plans with them. But even the plans I do want to make with people evaporate. I feel like a tool- like the person who someone would agree to spend time with just so they can get away from me. Why else would people end up ignoring me? I went on a date recently, and the girl wouldn't talk to me afterwards. And like I said, most of the people who would talk to me I do not feel comfortable having more than a quick conversation with, for varying reasons. It's funny how that is.

    I was so angry when one girl didn't meet me at the library to study on my birthday, ignored my messages to her, then said she had lost her phone when I called the next day, and then didn't call me back after discussing other plans to meet at the library. I do not understand why people would ignore me. I would rather people tell me anything than ignore me. "I hate you because.." would be better than ignoring me. "I don't like anything about you- here is a list" would be fine, because then I'd know. But I am always left up in the air. Nobody actually says they don't like me, or they hate me, or anything.

    When people ignore me, it makes me angry and I started running to try to clear my mind. It helps, but I still have not met any people lately. :sigh:

    I don't see why I shouldn't have a lot of friends, because I have so many on here. Does anyone have any idea why this happens over and over again and what I can do about it? When I am ignored, it ties into feelings of everyone around me judging me negatively.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Society is generally alienated and dysfunctional, so I don't think you have to see the problem as being just you.

    Some therapy might help you.

    It seems like part of the problem here is that you seem to gravitate to the type of people who ignore you, yet if someone doesn't ignore you you don't put effort into getting to know them.

    I bet some of the people who didn't ignore you may have felt hurt or ignored themselves.

    Do you think it could be a self-esteem issue, that you don't want to hang out with people who are friendly to you?
  3. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I don't know your real name so is it okay if I call you Mort?
    How do you actually interact with people? Are you expecting too much of them?
    When you talk to them, what do you actually talk about?
    You say that you went on a date with a girl and she couldn't even talk to you afterwards. What happened on the date that might have triggered this reaction?
    Pretend that we've just met in real life. We're stuck in a train carriage and going no where fast because of the snow. What would you talk to me about?
  4. Confusticated

    Confusticated Well-Known Member

    There's a chance it's just the sort of people you talk to. Have you tried being friendly with a different sort of.. group, of people? Different types of people?
  5. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    Thank you, May, Catherine, and Confusticated so much for taking the time and having the kindness to respond. It means a lot. Hi Catherine, my name is Joseph.

    May, I have spoken to my therapist/psychiatrist about this topic on several occasions in the past. She helped me realize that I wasn't making concrete plans with people, for a specific time and place, and following up by double checking the plans. I listened to her. But since I was still having issues with staying in touch with friends, she didn't know what else to help me. My best friend is friendly to me, but he has been through depression and knows what it is like to feel paranoid or like he is against the world. I think that people who have a hard time understanding that feeling might have trouble getting to know me. I only presume this because I made plenty of friends at a bipolar and anxiety support group, which is sort of like SF but in person. The people I met there were not turned away from me when I needed some support. But even one or two of the people I met at the group do not usually reply to me. One friend says he gets his voice messages late, and it seems other people have trouble reaching him too. The other friend says he doesn't generally check his voicemail and sometimes he doesn't feel like calling people back. I would think I am important enough to talk to. I became intimate with a third friend, who ignored my calls most of the time, and nobody could get in touch with her for weeks at a time. She had said the only people she felt comfortable talking with on the phone were me and her best friend. I finally deleted her from my phone a few months ago. That leads to why I ended up talking to a fourth person from the group- he would always pick up his phone. He would ruthlessly beg for money, overstay his visit when I had people over, and overstate his opinion on arguments. It wasn't so bad- he could be entertaining, and was a friend to me until he went on a rant about how stupid I am just because I happened not to have seen a movie, and said that a girl I had been with liked him and I was jealous when he was staring her down and making sexist comments against women all night to her. He even literally tried to force himself into my apartment so he could sleep there after getting drunk the night before. I guess my point is that I take flack from people- I can be impatient, sure, but I give people plenty of chances to be friendly with me. Maybe you are right though. Maybe all of this further proves your point that I am friendliest with people who are disrespectful to me. I will have to change that starting today.

    I am not sure what it means to expect too much from people, Catherine. I do not ask for huge favors, if that's what you mean. I talk to friends about their future plans, what they are looking to do career wise, what classes they are taking (since I'm at college,) and we talk about movies, work, or friend's girlfriends or boyfriends. On the date, we spoke about our families, high schools, career plans, college life, graduate schools, and work. The only things that I think the girl I went out with could have been upset with were that I didn't pay her cover to get in the bar and we split the drinks (It was loud, and she went inside to an atm, thinking she was just getting money, but it turned out to be for the cover.) Once I realized what happened, I offered to pay, but it was too late. Since we weren't eating, I felt it was more of a casual atmosphere rather than a formal date. It may not have been the best place to pick up, but I do not know this area well, and neither does she. The only other thing is that I told her I was often indecisive and that I was bullied in high school. I felt like everything went fine. I invited her over for coffee because she was tired and had to drive home, but she said it was too late.

    If we had just met and were stuck in a train, I would probably ask how long you'd think it would be until we started moving again, and say that I have never gotten stuck before. If you were reading something, I might ask about the book. If you didn't seem friendly, I wouldn't say anything at all to you unless we were stuck for over two hours or so, or unless you asked me questions.

    And Confusticated, I have not tried being friends with too many types of people. If people are not especially friendly, I find them hard to talk to. And if they are friendly, something always goes wrong with plans. I met a girl in class who was very friendly, so I sat next to her and we spoke a little but I didn't talk much because I was trying to follow the lecture so I wouldn't miss anything or disrupt the class. I asked if she wanted to study for a midterm. She said that might be possible but she would be busy and maybe she could work it out, she wasn't sure. And I ended up sitting in other places in the classroom shortly after that, because she didn't get in touch with me about studying. There was no harm done. Then, the final exam was yesterday. I saw her right beforehand, and she was talking to another guy, so I said hi and I made a comment and she responded but kept talking to the other guy so I walked on.
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