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the Ruthless Month of May


New Member
This month, I feel, has tested me. It's put me through so much and everything just seems so difficult to handle. This month I found out that one of my beloved friends passed away in April. I feel ashamed and sorry to not have known prior, or to have been able to attend his funeral, or even say a last goodbye. It's just such a heartbreak knowing I'm never going to joke with him again.

The day after my birthday, his brother passed away in a motorcycle accident. This accident was one month and a day after his brother's passing. It feels just terrible and like every fiber in my body is threatening to pull away. I was at his funeral viewing on Tuesday and seeing him there just ruined me. My dear friend, who was once so young and full of life, was no longer living. I ended up talking with his parents and I can't imagine the pain they feel to lose two sons in one month's time. His parents and I shared memories of their sons and laughed and cried and I surprisingly left feeling exhilarated rather than broken. I figured I just needed somebody to talk to, and my friends' lovely, beautiful parents helped me so much whether they realize it or not. I just wish our time together could have been under different circumstances. I admitted to his father that I felt terrible about not making it to the viewing in April. That had been eating away at me so much, but he found just the words to put me at ease. I just hope I helped him relax as well, even if it was for just a few minutes.

The same day as the motorcycle accident, another friend had passed away in a fatal car accident elsewhere. This Monday, a different friend committed suicide. Tuesday marked one year since my uncle, one of my greatest influences and inspiration, was murdered.

Not to mention that my boyfriend is upset at me. It makes me feel like I have no one left to talk to now. I guess that's a reason I made an account on here and am writing this now. I feel lonely and I just feel so...exhausted. More than ever before. I have to fight to find the strength to do anything at all. I don't think I have anyone to turn to and I'm just not the type of person who likes to open up about what I'm feeling to family or friends. The one person I feel comfortable with, is upset at me. I've felt so sick all month. My birthday was just rendered null by my emotions, and frankly, I'm just waiting for the next set of bad news to come at me. I don't know how much else I can handle.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
It has been so hard for you No wonder you are not coping I am glad you are reaching out here okay. You will be heard here. and people will understand.
I do think you need to talk to a grief councillor perhaps so much tragedy and sadness it would help you to have some help to deal with it all.
I hope you keep posting okay so we can continue to help you.
YOU look after you okay get the help you need and deserve to heal hugs

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