yeah i feel like that sometimes, like i am already in hell i just don't know it, and theres just enough in life stringing me along to keep me feeling shit and not going for it.
Well i can understand your concern about your daughter, why doesn't your eldest son want to hear from you? I kind of had an issue like this with my Dad, he has been part of the reason i was depressed we've always had a shit relationship, i was at the stage where i was quite content with never hearing from him again. But then when the issue came to a head and i told him how shit he made me feel and walked out, we've actually had a surprisingly better relationship, ok yeah it's not brilliant but it's still nice to have him in my life, even if it is in smaller, tolerable amounts. I do truelly know how it feels to hate your dad, with a burning devilish desire, and even i can say i am glad i did not cast him out of my life for good, just call, be open, honest and calm about how you feel, i'm sure he will offer you some form of support, and even if he doesn't at least you will have told him how you feel and he will know why instead of always having that blank spot about why his dad killed himself, and why he was never given the chance to help change things.