The saga continues

[meilma]

I started to feel a little hopeful earlier in the day but something happened this evening that caused my wife pain and depression. She said that she wanted to die, that there is no happiness in her life. I know the no happiness is true,but she is not really suicidal, but that made me sad, because on many levels she meant it. Then she says that what she really wants is a new life. I promised her that I would do my best to give her one. And I am thinking: I will give you a new life. I will kill myself and you will have the money and freedom to start over. So, I had been collecting the materials that I need and I assembled them to try a dry run. It is a great idea that I did. I figured out numerous things that I have to do to make my attempt a success. I will do a couple more dry runs, to further adjust the technique and hopefully will be prepared and successful when the time comes.

I am clearly hoping that someone will convince me I am making a mistake. However I feel that things are constricting and coming further apart, and I really have to do something.

 

[LoveBeing]

What is “a new life” to your wife? Did you ask her?

I don't know what can convince you, but deep down, you know that suicide is not the real/right solution...

 

[meilma]

I specifically did not ask her that. I think that she would most likely say either "a life without you" or "you dead" and I did not want her to feel any guilt when I do kill myself.

 

[meilma]

I do not know what would convince me either. I am very depressed tonight and really just wanted to talk. However, very deep down inside I feel that this is indeed the right thing to do.

 

[LoveBeing]

Are you sure of that? Do you mean that she does not love you any more at all?

Is it possible that she is just stressed out…not knowing how to cope with the challenges in the current life situation?

 

[LoveBeing]

I do not know what would convince me either. I am very depressed tonight and really just wanted to talk. However, very deep down inside I feel that this is indeed the right thing to do.

I ask you to please consider to get some professional help for dealing with the depression for both you and your wife...or at least to give yourself more time to have a chance to bounce back from depression so that you can really see things rationally...

It is a simple truth - how we think or feel always changes...

 

[meilma]

I would love to do that, but she would never agree. I am out of work and we are running on limited savings. She would never agree to see someone, too expensive.

 

[meilma]

And yes, she does not love me anymore. She stays because she believes it is best for the family.

 

[meilma]

And me, I do not love her. But I never did. I am not capable of feeling love.

 

[LoveBeing]

So it all comes down to money… What about your well-being? What is money for after all? If you would love to do that, maybe you can go ahead and help yourself out of the depression first?

How is it best for the family that she stays with you if you do not love each other?

If you are not capable of feeling love to anyone, why are you thinking of killing yourself for your daughter’s wedding and your wife's new life?

 

[meilma]

Those are good questions. I believe those are rational decisions. I do feel something that I consider love but hearing others talk about it leads me to believe that what I feel is something less and different than most. I think I am somewhat of a sociopath, but without any criminal tendencies.

 

[Sadeyes]

There is an apathy that comes with depression that is not sociopathic...it is the inability to feel as a defense against the severe feelings of depression...many people with double depression, as you state you are experiencing, are in this state...we just shut down so that we can survive...we do not feel love/attachment as it would stimulate the awareness of our other severe feelings of pain...I am wondering if that could be the case for you...please consider professional guidance...there are university centers and such that have sliding scales...additionally, are there any medical issues accompanying your depression that might be a way to get services? Just my 2 cents, and I hope you are doing better 2day...J

 

[Stranger1]

You say you don't love her and never did.. So why did you get married?? Are you sure your insurance policy covers suicide?? Why don't you just pack up and leave.. That makes more sence to me..Takeing your life is the wrong option..

 

[meilma]

I guess I did not make myself clear. What I call love does not seem to be as deep and profound as what other people feel. I might be wrong, there is no way to tell. She no longer loves me. I have driven that from her life. My addictions and my infidelities have guaranteed that. I am positive that the insurance policy covers suicide because there is a state law saying that they must, after a two year wait. The rationale is that after two years it is pretty much certain that the suicidal thoughts were not present when the policy was purchased and one should not be penalized for becoming suicidal later. If I should just walk out and leave it would be a financial disaster. We would have to sell our house which would probably mean at a 25% discount to market value. I would have to find work in a new field, one which would pay very little. By killing myself good financial things happen. 1.25 million in life insurance. 1 million in an IRA becomes immediately available. This means an absolute minimum income of 60K a year, probably twice that without much problem.

 

[Sadeyes]

I believe that all the rationalizations we make are also a part of the disorder...we cannot see or think clearly...the grass is always greener for others; the world would be better without us, etc...depression has a voice, one which takes over all others and disguides our internal narrative until we no longer feel we can get ourselves out of the corner we have painted ourselves into...it is incipitus (spelling??) and can be deadly...we feel the darkness will never lift, isolated, unknown and, what I think is the worst aspect, worthless...can everything be turned around magically? Of course not, but it is not until one allows the possiblity that they are being lead by this voice, and not one's 'truer' self, that we begin a journey out of this hell...for me, the first step, literally, was to allow the possiblity that I did not have all the answers and that maybe someone I valued, could perceive things differently...it is different for each person, but I do believe in the power of caring...and yes, in cyber, there is true caring...I know this first hand as I am still here...J

 

[meilma]

I think the word is insidious. I know that is depression speaking, however, what my mind is telling me sounds so incredibly logical and desirable. And my wife is right, she deserves a new life. After all the support she has given me she does not deserve to have to start over at the bottom in late middle age. She would have no chance whatsoever of improving her lot.

 

[Forgotten_Man]

Do you know why your wife wants a new life? What does she think is missing from her current one?

 

[meilma]

Well, I know she wants a new life because she said so. The life she got is not the one she signed up for. Over 34 years of marriage I have lost 3 jobs due to alcoholism, now I have lost my career. I have had affairs three times and was caught twice. Without the insurance money we are going to lose the house so in one year we will be broke and destitute. And she says she wants a new life. Pretty silly don't you think?

 

[meilma]

And believe it or not, I have even let the dog down. When we lose the house we will have to give her to someone else unless we can find a place with a yard.

Before when I thought about killing myself I was never very enthused but now I am beginning to feel panic. I am not sure if it is due to the thought of dying or the thought of being unsuccessful.

 

[LoveBeing]

How about you? Don’t you deserve “a new life” as well?

You also agree that money is not everything. If you look at your posts, you may see that how you think and feel now is pretty much based on “money is everything”…

Let’s assume that your wife does not love you anymore for whatever reason. Maybe a new life for her can mean a divorce from you? You know you cannot be held responsible for her life style. She is equally a human being. No matter what happened in the past, she was free to make her own choices and she chose to stay for whatever reason. You do not owe her a life style with the cost of your own life. What is happening in your life situation is the reality that both of you need to find a way to face/accept. You both are free to do what you can…

Whatever happened in the past, it’s the past. You need to let go and forgive, including forgiving yourself…

You mentioned there is something you can do about the situation but you just “do not want to take that chance” as you said in the post below from another thread:

One other thing. Yes, I realize that if I work hard and apply myself I could well find myself better off than I am now. But the odds are significantly against me, and I do not want to take that chance. The results of the suicide are a sure thing.

I encourage you to spend your energy on how to live. You may think that “The results of the suicide are a sure thing” while the reality is that nothing is 100% certain except what is actually happening…

Here is a link to a video clip made by someone who used to be also a lawyer and alcoholic. It’s about a method that helped him to become free from addiction and more:

Natural Rest
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEGYglWY1O4

Please be a good friend to yourself. Forgive yourself. You are deserving and worthy just like anyone else…