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The scars

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by EstUmbra, Jun 16, 2013.

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  1. EstUmbra

    EstUmbra New Member

    Am I doing better? It's not up and it isn't down. I'm not engaging in the most self destructive behaviour at least. Is it getting better? No, I can't say that either. I hold on.

    Bullying at school drove me to the brink of suicide and it was the first time I engaged in cutting. Bullying can not take place ever and we all need to be thought how to detect and defend ourselves against it. The scars of bullying last a lifetime. Even though I wasn't a bad student, I became demotivated and ended my college years short of completion.

    An employer saw my scars on my arms once and I saw his eyes grow big when it dawned on him what I had done in my past. In spite of having dealt with that period in my life and not having shown poor work performance or otherwise, when the job opened in to a permanent position I was not given it.

    When I talked to a doctor I was referred to a professional who would make weekly appointments during work hours. I had to tell my employer about this and I was questioned by him. Speaking the truth, which on hindsight I might better not have done, I was somewhat grudgingly given permission. Never was I given chance at promotion with this employer and eventually I ended up leaving the field entirely.

    Nowadays I work long hours, make barely enough to get by and the constant struggle to stay out of debt and keep the bank off my case keep me depressed. Rarely a day goes by that I do not see myself end it. Obese, unhappy and middle aged I do not have the resilience of youth and nothing to look forward to any more. I distract myself as much as I can to keep the destructive thoughts out of my head.

    The insecurity and low self esteem the school bullying left me with caused me never to find a good relationship. I so yearn for a good relationship that I would give my soul to the woman who could love me. I've tried and been rejected because what good woman could love a scarred old man? I do have a relationship, one who uses me, refuses to leave me, threatens me with a knife in a discussion about cleaning the toilet and isn't open to talk about suicide.

    No friends, no family left.

    Aftermath? Someone please tell me a success story where you found happiness, I don't even care if you lie to me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 16, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I was bullied from grade school up i became so quiet i did not have a voice so afraid of living really sad what people do to each other. I eventually left that life behid i chose to not think about it to deny it was even me. I became someone new even got myself new idenity i had to work so hard to become someone hun but it can be done the past can be left behind You can be loved and respected you just need to get away from the toxic relationship move far away like i did and start somewhere new I don't know if you can do this but it worked for me Hope you can find strength to walk away hun don't ever let anyone use you ok don't hugs
  3. EstUmbra

    EstUmbra New Member

    Thank you for your kind words.

    Moving far away is a nice idea but also costs lots of money, something a user will not leave you with.
    I hold on to a little hope that one day I'll have enough money saved up to cash out and move on.
    Somewhere in me there is guild too for wanting to leave. I don't understand why.
  4. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    Run away!!!!!, she will break you into a million pieces, go to relatives, friends, shelter, there is no need for a lot of money.

    Take care of yourself and don't let anyone bully you.

    Will keep you in my prayers.
  5. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    The relationship you are in is toxic. If there was ever a way you could get out, your health is more important than the guilt of leaving her - after all, her actions are not helping the situation - just giving you a damn good reason to leave. Knife threats for cleaning a toilet? She's really doing an extension of the school bullying to me.

    I can relate to the school bullying and how it can restrict things as we grow up and beyond - with the majority of communication being non-verbal, such as body language, it could be read differently by different people.

    I'm currently unemployed. I'm currently stuck living with a parent while I have siblings who are all married and in their own place. But despite that and my issues that I have, I have been able to quit smoking. I have managed to find someone I care about. So there is, a possibility that something good could happen for you still.

    Keep reaching out here, and stay in touch with the doc and the psych if you can.
  6. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Contact a shelter or assistance for battered/abused women. They can help you leave, find you counseling , and direct you to resources.
  7. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I lived next door to our school bullies (2).. for 7yrs.. I don't remember everything.. but what I do remember was the intence fear that was in my every day.. and clining to my small stuffed animal little bear for years each day even brining him to school and sleeping with him all the way up into high school.. I do remeber them throwing rocks at us at home and once egging a neighborhood friend in the leg who had come over to hang out..

    Bullying wasn't my only issue.. But in any case, I do realize how much it could potentially damage someone up into their adult years..

    I am sorry you have had or have felt that employers have treated you differently due to your medical issues.. I find a lot of that common unfortunetly.. Its really sad and frusterating.. There are suposed to be non-discriminatory laws but theres no way to really say one way or the other with proof why or why not one is not given a promotional oportunity etc. Or a job at all.

    The economy has really made it hard for anyone these days to make it financially on their own.. It always hurts me to see so many people struggling to even make their rent payment each month.. or finding out more people ending up homeless.
  8. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    EstUmbra, I'm sorry things are rough for you. :(

    I was mildly bullied by a few kids during my childhood/youth, and later badly bullied at work - at different jobs, different places of work, too, so I feel for you. In one of those jobs, I decided that I would simply "succeed 'in spite of' the bullying." And it worked. It took a lot of effort on my part. TBH, f there had been other jobs to go to, I would have.

    NYJmpMaster has said it all...get in touch with a shelter and see what services or agencies they can suggest. The guilt is because we are human and don't like to believe that others are being nasty to us, and that makes us wonder if we are somehow to blame. (We didn't do anything to deserve it, by the way!) The people at a shelter could possibly refer you to counselling that will help you understand your mixed feelings.

    Take care of yourself! Let us know how you are doing. :hug:
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