Am I doing better? It's not up and it isn't down. I'm not engaging in the most self destructive behaviour at least. Is it getting better? No, I can't say that either. I hold on. Bullying at school drove me to the brink of suicide and it was the first time I engaged in cutting. Bullying can not take place ever and we all need to be thought how to detect and defend ourselves against it. The scars of bullying last a lifetime. Even though I wasn't a bad student, I became demotivated and ended my college years short of completion. An employer saw my scars on my arms once and I saw his eyes grow big when it dawned on him what I had done in my past. In spite of having dealt with that period in my life and not having shown poor work performance or otherwise, when the job opened in to a permanent position I was not given it. When I talked to a doctor I was referred to a professional who would make weekly appointments during work hours. I had to tell my employer about this and I was questioned by him. Speaking the truth, which on hindsight I might better not have done, I was somewhat grudgingly given permission. Never was I given chance at promotion with this employer and eventually I ended up leaving the field entirely. Nowadays I work long hours, make barely enough to get by and the constant struggle to stay out of debt and keep the bank off my case keep me depressed. Rarely a day goes by that I do not see myself end it. Obese, unhappy and middle aged I do not have the resilience of youth and nothing to look forward to any more. I distract myself as much as I can to keep the destructive thoughts out of my head. The insecurity and low self esteem the school bullying left me with caused me never to find a good relationship. I so yearn for a good relationship that I would give my soul to the woman who could love me. I've tried and been rejected because what good woman could love a scarred old man? I do have a relationship, one who uses me, refuses to leave me, threatens me with a knife in a discussion about cleaning the toilet and isn't open to talk about suicide. No friends, no family left. Aftermath? Someone please tell me a success story where you found happiness, I don't even care if you lie to me.