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The scary thing about my suicidality...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by solutions, Mar 4, 2011.

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  1. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    ...is that I have so much lithium in my blood already, that an overdose would be easy.

    It's frightening, knowing that I could down a bottle of tabs, and it could easily be fatal. According to the information superhighway, I have plenty to swallow a fatal amount, and then some, because my lithium levels are necessarily very high, and my prescription gives me more than enough per refill. But it could also cause brain damage, which I sure as hell wouldn't want.

    It's just...frightening. In an impulsive move, a quick action of desperation to stop a pain, I know I would be out of my mind, and tunnel vision would set in.

    An easy method, and an impulsive temperament. I've overdosed on impulse before without result, and I'm prone to doing something impulsive again.

    I'm wondering if I should check myself back into a hospital soon. I don't think I have the self-control to stop myself if I'm hit by some unexpected pain that I'm desperate to stop.

    Well, whatever. I just want to sleep tonight. I haven't slept well for three nights now and am starting to feel the effects of sleep deprivation.
  2. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Maybe you should seek some help. If you have thought about it and you are prone to impulsivity then it's a big risk to be taking.

    Try and call an out of hours doc over the weekend or the crisis team and have a chat with them. It may not be that you have to go back to the hospital.

    Keep us informed with what happens.

  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    is there a relative or somebody nearby that you could give the lithium to so that they only give you the prescribed dose?
  4. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    I suppose so, yeah. I just don't know which I'm more frightened of: possible brain damage or ending up back in a morbid, black, impossibly painful depressive state. It makes me hesitant to give up an easy way out. My depressive episodes cause incredible trouble for me and those who care about my well-being, as well as my school and social lives. And they always come back. I'm psychotically manic-depressive, and if I start to think seriously about suicide, it's scary, but if I get past that stage to acceptance of suicide, it's perversely comforting to know I have the option of ending my own life if I reach total despair.

    Your idea is sound, but I have to work up the nerve to go through with something like that.

    At least I'm lucky enough to live near a good hospital that's well-known around the US. I spent a week there once, and I think I'll end up there for another week. A safe place might be a good idea.
  5. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I hear a lot of people say that. I've heard though that od attempts usually fail, with lots of negative consequences.
  6. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Rather than make a new topic and waste space, I'd really like to add that my urge to kill myself has been high as of late. I've spent almost the entire last two days in bed, and my heart feels heavy. I feel so sad it hurts. My thoughts are always like, You're such a fucking failure, remember all the times you fucked up and caused trouble for everyone? And I'll just remember all the times when something bad happened in my life that was all my fault, or something bad that happened in someone else's life that was my fault. I feel like I'm malevolent, that everything bad that happens was completely because of my ineptitude, my uselessness, my stupidity, or anything, and these thoughts bring waves of emotion over me that make me ache.

    This is painful. So I'm not going back to bed after this, I'll go out somewhere.
  7. CheapEscape

    CheapEscape Active Member

    -hugs- Hope you've been getting some good night sleep, by the way.

    I have days like that too. I lie in bed and think, "Wow, I have no reason for getting up today. I don't want to keep going through the motions. I'm just going to mess it up. I can't do it." But don't give up. Get help. That way you can be happy again. :)
  8. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much. I rarely get e-hugs :) 400mg of Seroquel and 200mg of Trazodone at bed definitely put me to sleep. My problem was staying asleep; I'd wake up exhausted at 1 or 2 AM and just toss and turn, unable to fall back to sleep.

    Medication and therapy have only been modestly effective, so I'm scheduled for a future ECT treatment. I've heard mostly good things about it, so I'm looking forward to it.

    As for therapy, maybe I should just ramble about my ex, best friend, and childhood friend (all one person), since she's been haunting my dreams and thoughts lately.

    Anyway, thank you for the thoughtful comment. :)
  9. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    bipolar is a bitch. don't forget that it's the disease speaking, well. lying to you when you think you'd be better off dead. i was on lithium, too. my shrink prescribed it weekly so i never had a stash around in case my urges went too far. how are you feeling tonight?
  10. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Last night through today wasn't too bad. I had a job to do at work, but it was solved by someone else before I got there. I got gypped out of $35 for that, but whatever.

    My meds changed slightly after I spoke with my psychiatrist. After I told him about how much time I've been spending in bed and how hard it is to motivate myself to get out of it, he upped my Welbutrin from 300 to 450 mg. I told him about the nightmares, and I wasn't aware Trazodone had the effect of lessening the intensity of them...but I had been taking 200 mg of Trazodone for a few days, and I still had nightmares that haunted me during my day.

    When I got home I tried to nap. The only other responsibility I have tonight is to take out the trash, which I'm going to do in a few minutes.

    My dreams are always frightening, so I'm worried about falling asleep for the night. I have therapy tomorrow, and I guess I'll just repeat what I said today to him. I haven't really gotten anything out of therapy. Talking about things and getting my feelings validated doesn't make me feel any better. I don't know...maybe I'm approaching therapy all wrong.
  11. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i take propranalol for nightmares, it works well for me. if your new meds don't work i'd suggest talking to your doc about propranalol. too bad about work. hope something else comes along tomorrow.
  12. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Chris I know where you're coming from after years of taking countless meds and so much Therapy I still feel I'm at square one.Maybe you should consider going back into Hospital it may help.I take Lithium also and I'm also Manic depressive so I understand what you're saying my friend.
  13. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    As a matter of fact, I've taken propranalol, but for akathisia. I felt no different on it at the time, so it was discontinued quickly.

    And thanks Ace, it looks like that's what's going to happen. Hopefully for the best; I wasn't the best patient last time and lied a lot. How am I supposed to admit homicidal ideation and my fantasies of committing murder-suicide? The best thing that came out of it was that I got to be interviewed by Dr. Maltsberger, who's a freaking celebrity in the clinical psychology field. I mean, his conclusions were totally wrong, his questions were awfully intrusive for a one-time meeting with like ten other people in the room, and his methodology with evaluating me was impossibly flawed from the start, but hey.
  14. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    it might be better to admit to the homicidal ideation, especially if you think that you might act on it. they might do something with your meds, or might be more likely to keep you in the hospital, but if you tried to hurt someone there's a good chance you would end up in a ward for the criminally insane for a while.

    they may be able to treat you much better if they know what is really going on. lying makes it nearly impossible to treat you effectively
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