the signs

[Wastingecho]

Harder and harder to get up and face each day

Going to bed alone every night

Everyone wants more from me than I have left to give

Everywhere I look I'm seeing ways to die

my mother calls my college grad daughter and makes her cry and I can't do anything - I know she already hates me

I'm not a part of life any more

This existence hurts too much - going to die any way - can't find a reason to wait

 

[Acy]

Wastingecho, I'm sad to hear that things are weighing you down atm. Hard times :hug:

Is there anything that is more pressing than the others that we could perhaps try to work on with you? I.e., let's break this down into manageable packages.

You say your daughter already hates you. Perhaps you could begin to make that better, simply by calling and offering your support. "Maybe we have had our issues in the past, but I want you to know that I'm sorry my mother upset you. If I can help in any way, please let me know. I'd like to be there for you."

The other things you note, difficulty facing the day, everyone wanting more than you can give, being alone...those sound like you're falling into a depressive episode. Are you on meds, seeing a doctor/therapist? Maybe it's a good idea to look into starting therapy, or starting again. You could even make a list of these issues and take it with you so you can work out a therapy plan and schedule.

It is never too late to fix things and make them better, Wastingecho. It just "feels" that it is. I hope you can summon some energy and take some small steps toward working your way out of the dark. Suicide ends all chances of making things better - it leaves people without any options at all. I think you still have many options, even though you are feeling that you're stuck and have gone into the dark side.

I hope you can see that you are cared about here and that all is not lost. Please hold on and be safe, WE!

 

[Wastingecho]

don't know if my daughter hates me or not - she should - it's my mother that hates me - just another in a long list

i hate myself for failing my daughters, son, my entire family

i sit with them in the same room but i'm not really there - i don't belong with people anymore - just another non-entity

no more drugs - too many drugs - nothing but side effects and money thrown away - won't do that any more

can't handle therapist or psychs - burned too many times before - no more trust left - last time i was in group i had to be removed - they only lie to me about what they'll do if i do what they ask - no more - not risking handcuffs and hospitals again - never again

so alone - no one i can turn to but i don't deserve anyone anyway

sit on the couch at home waiting until i can leave the room and go to bed without anyone complaining

so few people i can even talk to and now the universe at large is doing everything it can to take that away from me

sitting at my desk at work - can't even take a deep breath because that's when the tears start - can't stand living in this hell

 

[Acy]

Has something happened to start this downward fall for you? Could you talk about it? Feel free to PM me if you don't want to talk here.

I have a similar sense of just watching time go by when I am with my family. I'm there, but I'm not really part of it. They are so far away from me emotionally and I can't ask for more because they've already said I cause my own problems and they won't be there for me.

Mothers can be hard to deal with. Parents can be hard to deal with. Set up your own values and feel valuable to yourself no matter what your mother thinks. If she is so limited that she "hates you", you don't need to follow her values and outlook. You are worthy and deserving of love just like any other person, WE. It might be hard for you to see/feel that right now. But it's true. You are worthy!

Keep talking to us here, hun. I hope you feel better soon. :hug:

 

[Wastingecho]

i'm tired of being no good for anyone

worthless as the day is long

wish i had my kit with me

have some things stashed in my desk that will work - heading to drugstore on my break to get the rest of what i need

need the option with me - need to know i have some kind of control even if it's only over how this all ends

so many options available everywhere i look - i would start listing them but i don't want to give anyone else ideas

 

[White Dove]

please don't..

i would like to be your friend? would like to get to know you. so what kind of food do you like best? most peopler tell me pizza but for me it has to be tacos. lol just love them.. and do you listen to music? i like country, blues, jazz, and soft rock. favorite singers are taylor swift, shania twain, alabama, reo speedwagon, the beatles, arrowsmith, chicago and a group i dont ever here about anymore nor know what happened to them, they were called jefferson starship

 

[Wastingecho]

I'm not worth knowing

 

[jxdama]

we care about you here buddy.

 

[Wastingecho]

no - nobody can care about me

people say they care but it hurts because they lie - i'm not worth caring about

why doesn't anyone understand

 

[Acy]

What would it mean to you if we didn't care? The way I see it, you are a person, just as human and just as in need of support, validation, caring as anyone else. So of course I care about you. What do you believe makes you unworthy of caring, hun? I think you are being too hard on yourself, Wastingecho. Very few people are truly vile (child molesters, rapists, sociopaths come to mind, and even some of them are repentant and try to remake their lives to help others and thus try to redeem themselves). I doubt you are one of the vile ones. Hmmm?

 

[Wastingecho]

i'm nothing but a constant screwup - fail at work, fail as a parent, fail as a person - horrible time staying awake at work, can't stay awake through the evening, can't sleep through the night - too much for too long

even if i can't find peace at least there will be no more pain