the silence is deafening me

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by emma73, Apr 11, 2012.

  1. emma73

    emma73 New Member

    I lost my ex partner, my closest friend on Thursday. I know what led him to do it, I have no dreadful longing to find out what was wrong as I already know, thank you for small mercies. However I still can't understand why.
    why he couldn't sit tight and wait for the gloom to lift
    He emailed me asking for help, I HAD NO IDEA he meant he needed help for such negative feelings. I thought he was just having a very bad week I had no idea that this was finally it.
    I emailed him back the day he died, don't even know if he read it, I was spouting the usual crap that he would be OK, look on the bright side etc etc etc. Only now that I re read his email and with hindsight its obvious he was in real trouble.

    No note, no goodbye nothing but silence

    The most dreadful thoughts wont leave me, what if he changed his mind in the last seconds and it was too late, what if he was in pain? I know he would have stood there persuading himself to do it, in tears, frightened and the most lonely man to ever have been, his poor tortured soul. I'm almost with him in his last moments, did he feel me there, did he think of me, how could he when I didn't even notice when he slipped away.
    I just want to rewind a week and talk him out of it like id done so many times before, im so desparate to do this i can hardly believe that it cant be done, it has to be done, he cant be gone.

    I NEED to speak to him I NEED to tell him that this is not enough, he can't leave us all with nothing, I need him in the same world as me. I go to his facebook page desparate to post on his wall, how can he not read that, I HAVE to find him and tell him that this wasnt the way, I would have listened if Id known, I would have dropped everything if hed told me how bad things had got, we all would have. If he could see me now trawling the internet trying to find him as if there is some internet heaven, he would take it back, i know it.
    How can he condemn me, us, to a life where this saddness will always haunt our hearts. I wake up at dawn, so depressing and cant bear that it is another day he wont see, another day further away from him, the days turning into years. Forever young, what a waste!
    How can there just be silence, and how can it be that the silence will last forever.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry hun please know you did all you could his pain took him away he jsut could not see past that dam pain. I hope hun you get some help for YOU now okay to get you through this hugs
  3. emma73

    emma73 New Member

    thank you, the only person who can help is him, how silly.