I have been browsing this forum for weeks, and finally decided to sign up. I hope to connect with someone (anyone) who might be able to relate to me, because I am nearing the end of my rope. I have struggled with suicidal feelings since I was 15 years old, and I've made a couple half-assed attempts at it, but I feel like my time is coming closer. I just turned 30, and things in my life are getting worse, not better. I've tried therapy and medication but nothing helps. I idealize suicide, I find it comforting to know that if things get bad enough there is a "way out", an escape. My husband left me, and the day he moved me out he moved another woman in. Due to a few circumstances, I'm getting almost nothing in the divorce, I'm struggling so much financially while they go on vacations. I tried so hard to move forward with my life, and I fell deeply in love with another man and he left me too. I was so good to that man, but just like everyone else I guess he didn't love me either. People tell me I'm attractive, funny, smart but none of that seems to matter- everyone always leaves eventually. I know it's because I am a toxic person. This breakup is the thing that I believe will finally push me over the edge... It's been a long time coming, years of misery, but I feel as if I can't do this anymore. I feel so detached from the world around me. I have no friends, a very small family that I barely speak to. I find it impossible to really connect with people, despite my loneliness. On the outside, I seem like a well-adjusted person, I'm friendly, polished and appear confident but inside I'm a big mess. I have so much anxiety that I barely leave the house. Lately, I have been taking this suicidal idealization more seriously... Instead of just thinking about it, I've been seriously researching methods and constructing letters for the few people who will be affected by this. I'm trying to plan this as intelligently as possible, in an effort to somehow minimize the pain I will cause for the people who care. The problems I face are not wanting a family member to find my body, and of course failing and ending up in a worse place then when I started. I don't exactly feel like I am in "crisis" at the moment, because I know I am not going to kill myself tonight but the intention is there. I feel like I'm not really living, just merely existing and I don't want to burden anyone with my misery anymore. I don't know if I am going to follow through with any of this, but I just needed to share this with someone tonight.