The silence is killing me.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by InvisibleGirl, Feb 8, 2015.

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  1. InvisibleGirl

    InvisibleGirl New Member

    I have been browsing this forum for weeks, and finally decided to sign up. I hope to connect with someone (anyone) who might be able to relate to me, because I am nearing the end of my rope. I have struggled with suicidal feelings since I was 15 years old, and I've made a couple half-assed attempts at it, but I feel like my time is coming closer. I just turned 30, and things in my life are getting worse, not better. I've tried therapy and medication but nothing helps. I idealize suicide, I find it comforting to know that if things get bad enough there is a "way out", an escape.

    My husband left me, and the day he moved me out he moved another woman in. Due to a few circumstances, I'm getting almost nothing in the divorce, I'm struggling so much financially while they go on vacations. I tried so hard to move forward with my life, and I fell deeply in love with another man and he left me too. I was so good to that man, but just like everyone else I guess he didn't love me either. People tell me I'm attractive, funny, smart but none of that seems to matter- everyone always leaves eventually. I know it's because I am a toxic person. This breakup is the thing that I believe will finally push me over the edge... It's been a long time coming, years of misery, but I feel as if I can't do this anymore. I feel so detached from the world around me. I have no friends, a very small family that I barely speak to. I find it impossible to really connect with people, despite my loneliness.

    On the outside, I seem like a well-adjusted person, I'm friendly, polished and appear confident but inside I'm a big mess. I have so much anxiety that I barely leave the house. Lately, I have been taking this suicidal idealization more seriously... Instead of just thinking about it, I've been seriously researching methods and constructing letters for the few people who will be affected by this. I'm trying to plan this as intelligently as possible, in an effort to somehow minimize the pain I will cause for the people who care. The problems I face are not wanting a family member to find my body, and of course failing and ending up in a worse place then when I started. I don't exactly feel like I am in "crisis" at the moment, because I know I am not going to kill myself tonight but the intention is there.

    I feel like I'm not really living, just merely existing and I don't want to burden anyone with my misery anymore. I don't know if I am going to follow through with any of this, but I just needed to share this with someone tonight.
  2. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    What you went through is alot for someone to deal with alone. Do you have any desire to be closer to your small family? Do you have a desire to find meaningful friendships that can last a lifetime?

    There are many on this forum that has a commom ground as you, just letting you know youre not alone.
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I understand how you feel but YOU NEED TO REMEMBER LIFE IS IMPORTANT. Yes, you are at a low everyday but you need to focus on achieving small things. You will get through this tough period but cannot do it by sitting inside and looking at four walls. You need to surround yourself with people and keep occupied. You at a low point in your life but you can make it. It's about dealing with one day at a time, I feel your pain but you got to remember you are not alone here.

    We all wear masks on the outside world but the hurt we feel inside cannot be shown to others. You are not the only one but you have to be strong. Being strong in yourself will get you through this tough time. You may think there is no point in living but there is. Be strong ( I know that's easy to say) but you can do it. You will find someone but you need to get yourself better first. If you want to talk in private, I'm happy to listen to your story. You will get through this as you just need to think others in the world somewhere do suffer pain.

    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 9, 2015
  4. I'm in the same exact same situation as you I'll tell you my story then try and provide some help if I can, 31, when I was 17 I started using drugs and I did not stop till I about 2 years ago, I lost my first love when I was 28 due to drugs and I never got over it, just a few weeks ago I met someone in outpaitent rehab who I could have growen to love(Here's that story) anyways that did not work, there was NO reason for it not to work out, but she was scared and I can't blame her.

    As for you, it's the same as me, Were lonely, what else could it be? We need to be cared for, to be wanted, for me those 2 girls were so rare to find, I was so lucky, I thanked the skies everyday for them. and now there gone.

    there is someone out there for you, who will worship you, don't rush it, and start by worshiping yourself, just let it come, it will. :love-struck:
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