Anyone ever wonder, if they are just suffering a slow death.
Rather then a quick one?
If they are burning slowly...
Instead of vaporizing in a flash?
I know its a melodromatic overly poetic grandiose way of putting it but hey... I have problems... right? Don't we all...
I feel like im dieing the slow way... the miserable way...
I dread going to sleep, knowing how much I like the loss of conciousness, the loss of my awareness of reality.
Even when I realize I am dreaming, I relish it, because I know it is just a dream, and I hide from that awareness as best as I can so as not to wake up, into the painfull, reality that is.
I feel no more pain when I am dreaming (no matter the dream, good or bad, nightmare or dream of heaven...), and sometimes, I wonder if my death will be like this a dream.
So I wake up later and later, and sleep more and more, and dread going to sleep because I know I won't wan't to wake up, because I know that even though I don't wan't to wake up I will, that I won't have a choice, and I will wake up and it will just be reality, pain again.
Mental pain, physical pain, its all irrelevent... its all pain... the pain of sucking in pollution, the pain of failure, the pain of being helpless, the pain of being alone, the pain of facing it over and over... there are so many painfull things... I can't hide from it, I can't delude myself by trying to blind myself, I can't list enough good things.... I know there's those very messed up evil ***#$#$#@ people out there who just say "Stop playing the negative tape, stop being weak, JUST THINK POSITIVE, JUST THINK WIN!, HAVE GOALS...." but its not real it doesn't exist for me, I try... I try like the spider trapped down a well with nothing to eat and drink, trying to get out and just slipping down the walls....
And I guess I will go to sleep again tonight, and tommorow will be another day... a day were I spend hours in traffic, to go no where, burning gas that millions wan't to fight over, burning life. I can't do anything about it, I can't eradicate evil from the earth, I have no right to be a holy "Paladin of the Cleansing Flame" about it... I can't force people to live in peace and harmony with nature... everywere I go is an affront to nature... I can't even find my peace and harmony with the universe myself... I can't stand at the cliffs edge and take the plunge, and eradicate my faulty genes from the pool... God forbid I ever reproduced and some-other being suffered imeasurably because I did...
Full of hate, and loathing, for myself, for everyone else, and there is no love, no beauty, no peace, no happiness, no flowers, and carebearisim here to keep me motivated. Just death, chaos, and pain. The pain that comes with drawing each breath, the pain that comes from looking at everyone else, the pain that comes from wanting what no-one can ever have. Happiness. The pain that comes from knowing you are always decieving yourself... and the pain that is caused by others always trying to decieve you.
The pain in you that comes from your own desire to march across the earth, the lord of undeath, full of destruction and wrath, for your soul you gave up so very long ago.
And I pray my athiest plea, in desperation to a god, that I know is not there, no matter how much, I wish they were, "God please end it all", "God end it now because if I get to you first its going to be worse for you god"... "God you had your chance, why didn't you take me then"... and here I am still alive...
Rather then a quick one?
If they are burning slowly...
Instead of vaporizing in a flash?
I know its a melodromatic overly poetic grandiose way of putting it but hey... I have problems... right? Don't we all...
I feel like im dieing the slow way... the miserable way...
I dread going to sleep, knowing how much I like the loss of conciousness, the loss of my awareness of reality.
Even when I realize I am dreaming, I relish it, because I know it is just a dream, and I hide from that awareness as best as I can so as not to wake up, into the painfull, reality that is.
I feel no more pain when I am dreaming (no matter the dream, good or bad, nightmare or dream of heaven...), and sometimes, I wonder if my death will be like this a dream.
So I wake up later and later, and sleep more and more, and dread going to sleep because I know I won't wan't to wake up, because I know that even though I don't wan't to wake up I will, that I won't have a choice, and I will wake up and it will just be reality, pain again.
Mental pain, physical pain, its all irrelevent... its all pain... the pain of sucking in pollution, the pain of failure, the pain of being helpless, the pain of being alone, the pain of facing it over and over... there are so many painfull things... I can't hide from it, I can't delude myself by trying to blind myself, I can't list enough good things.... I know there's those very messed up evil ***#$#$#@ people out there who just say "Stop playing the negative tape, stop being weak, JUST THINK POSITIVE, JUST THINK WIN!, HAVE GOALS...." but its not real it doesn't exist for me, I try... I try like the spider trapped down a well with nothing to eat and drink, trying to get out and just slipping down the walls....
And I guess I will go to sleep again tonight, and tommorow will be another day... a day were I spend hours in traffic, to go no where, burning gas that millions wan't to fight over, burning life. I can't do anything about it, I can't eradicate evil from the earth, I have no right to be a holy "Paladin of the Cleansing Flame" about it... I can't force people to live in peace and harmony with nature... everywere I go is an affront to nature... I can't even find my peace and harmony with the universe myself... I can't stand at the cliffs edge and take the plunge, and eradicate my faulty genes from the pool... God forbid I ever reproduced and some-other being suffered imeasurably because I did...
Full of hate, and loathing, for myself, for everyone else, and there is no love, no beauty, no peace, no happiness, no flowers, and carebearisim here to keep me motivated. Just death, chaos, and pain. The pain that comes with drawing each breath, the pain that comes from looking at everyone else, the pain that comes from wanting what no-one can ever have. Happiness. The pain that comes from knowing you are always decieving yourself... and the pain that is caused by others always trying to decieve you.
The pain in you that comes from your own desire to march across the earth, the lord of undeath, full of destruction and wrath, for your soul you gave up so very long ago.
And I pray my athiest plea, in desperation to a god, that I know is not there, no matter how much, I wish they were, "God please end it all", "God end it now because if I get to you first its going to be worse for you god"... "God you had your chance, why didn't you take me then"... and here I am still alive...