I discovered the song 'stitches' by Shawn Mendes the other day in a tattoo shop while my best friend was getting inked. I found it again today and really gave the lyrics a good listen and realized that not only did they fit perfectly how trying to break away from my 'ex'.... well let's call him my 'ex owner'. He never earned the title of boyfriend or lover... love had nothing to do with it. What really struck me, I'm finally over it. I realized I am no longer the girl who actually ended up needing him to hurt me just to keep myself under control, I am no longer in immediate danger to fall to my knees for him as soon as he just says hello. Despite all he did to me it was so hard to get away. My boyfriend has tried so hard for 14 months now to heal all the horrible habits, the low confidence, the fears. He's a gem. And I've hurt him deeply the times my 'ex' came and dragged me off. And I hated myself. Last time it happened I kept saying no but he wouldn't hear me. I think I will always worry that my 'ex' finds me in a vulnerable moment, or will use all that he knows about me against me somehow. But I know that I can no longer fall for him, and I'll never start craving for him. I got way too strong for that! I can't imagine the pain my boyfriend must have felt a few months into our relationship when he found out I had sent an email to my 'ex'... saying that I needed to be controlled. It's been so hard to become free and realize I don't need to be mistreated. The prospect of gentle touch is a lot less scary now.