I have been having a pretty good time of it lately. Depression has been better, and I have been able to pick up some pieces of my life lately. However, I am one of those guys, that all it takes is a small pebble to trip me up and start the whole cycle of pain all over again. Thus so it was this morning. Last night on the way home from work, was one of the best drives home I have ever had. I got to hear the breaking news that Jay Cutler is the Chicago Bears new Quarterback. And if you know anything at all about the NFL, and the Bears, you know just how a big a deal that was. You could hear the passion in the voices of the guys on the radio and the giddy childlike excitement was overwhelming. And I had a great dream last night, woke up this morning and went, YES!!!! JAY CULTER IS A CHICAGO BEAR!!!!!!!!!!! Drove back to work this morning still flying high over this news. Got to work, checked my online email account to see if I got any responses from the some of the online dating sites I had signed up for this week. I did get a couple, and when I clicked on them, the sites were blocked. They werent blocked yesterday. I should explain. I work for a fortune 100 company. We have literally hundreds of thousands of employees all over the place. Our IT department is huge. It's not like there is a single guy in a room sitting there going, hmmm, what's Bill up to today. It's automated. Some days I can access youtube. Some days I can't. same with these dating sites. But at that moment, I panicked. My depression told me, that I was going to loose my job and then all those old fears of becoming homeless etc started up again. I felt sweaty, and scared and nervous and saddened and dissapointed and ashamed and humiliated and everything else. I even sent an email to my boss, telling her how my depression was kicking in today. Not telling her why, but rather feeling out the situation. She told me (and I already knew this) that if I had done something wrong, I would have heard about it. I mean it's not like I signed up on these different dating sites just yesterday. So I found myself panicking and going thru this spiraling deal for really no reason. I wanted to share this with you guys, because it seems to me that we have to be on guard against this illness. If we let our depression, or rather, ALLOW our depression to do so, it can spiral itself into an uncontrollable chaois is just a matter of moments. I wont let my disease win. Don't let it beat you either!