the stinging.. oh god, the stinging...*trigger*

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by }{Feather Pen}{, May 20, 2007.

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  1. I can't believe this. I caved. I didn't even mean to and I caved. It was so sudden. I have no clue how it came about. How am I going to explain this to my boyfriend? What will he say?

    I just got up from watching a movie, and I sat at my computer coming to this forum. Well, I have push-pins that I keep in my electronics junk drawer that I use to clean under my nails with. I got a black one out and started cleaning under my nails. When I was done, I went to put it away and it scraped my left wrist. I sat there for about five minutes pondering it, then I scraped my wrist again. Not deep, but enough to make the skin red and raise. Then I just started scraping up the full length of my arm repeatedly, shallow little scrapes that don't bleed, but they sting and they're red and swollen.

    Now I'm fighting the urge so hard not to continue it. I want more. I want so much more. I can't fight it much longer. The stinging feels so good. I want more. I need more. Dear God, what have I done?
  2. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    It's okay. Try to calm down. Take some deep breaths...

    Everyone slips up sometimes! I'm amazed you've made it this long - I couldn't have. I know your boyfriend isn't exactly understanding about this stuff, but maybe you could try to explain again. If you guys are gloing to be together it's really important that he understands it isn't as simple as just stopping :sad:.

    On the other side of things, the marks you describe can be reduced drastically with something cold (bag of frozen peas, ice cubes in a tea towel, even a cold damp flannel would probably make a difference. If they didn't bleed then that should be enough to calm them down a lot (though probably not completely). When do you next see your boyfriend? Is there any way you could just keep them covered if you have to see him very soon? Or... do you have a cat? :unsure:

    I hope you are okay hon'. Here if you need me :hug:

    ~Nobody~ x
  3. I'm gonna see him in about an hour. I might could blame it on my kittens, cause I already told him that Saturn doesn't like me much and has a bad habit of clawing. But he might not believe me. He'll never understand what it's like. He said the night after he found out I SI, he thought it sounded pretty cool and took the knife I GAVE HIM FOR CHRISTMAS and made about an inch-long cut on his arm. That PROVES he doesn't understand. He's such a filthy hypocrite sometimes.
  4. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    It doesn't sound like this guy is good for you at all :sad: ... pardon me if I'm speaking out of line, but it must be ever so hard being with someone who just won't understand :unsure:.

    If you have kittens then that's a great excuse, though, that's just what cat scratches look like, which is why I asked :smile:. I think ultimately you should be looking to make him understand somehow or maybe being without him... You can't live a lie with your boyfriend hon', that isn't how it should be :hug:.

    x x
  5. I just don't want him to be mad. I know he loves me and I love him, but he's just one of those people who thinks that SIing isn't real. That it's just a cry for attention. He says I don't talk to him about anything anymore and that I need to but when I do he gets mad and threatens to hurt himself if I continue doing... whatever....
  6. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    I know it might sound silly, but maybe you could buy him a book about Self Harm. That's what I did for my boyfriend and it completely changed his attitude to it.

    Or there are lots of good websites... I could recommend some if you think it might help. :unsure:

    How long have you guys been together? (I have a feeling you've already told me in another thread, but I can't recall, sorry...)

    :hug: x
  7. Twisted Sweet Lies

    Twisted Sweet Lies Well-Known Member

    I know exactly how you feel. My bf of a year broke up with me over cutting. Not many people understand. It's hard for some to imagine why someone would hurt them self. Sometimes people who don't understand will hurt themselves to try to understand why others do it. That's what my ex did. It is hard on people who care about you. Why not just wear a long sleeve shirt to hide the cuts? Lying can really mess up a relationship.
  8. Thanks for the help, guys.

    Well, I can't afford to buy a book on self harm, but I like the idea of it. I might print out some pages on it or something and leave them in his truck for him.

    I just wish he would understand..
  9. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    This is a link to the book I bought mine. It's very good. If you can't afford it then maybe you could order it into your local library and get it out for him?

    Sorry you're in such a tough situation :sad:. :hug:

    How old is your boyfriend? x
  10. We've been together for ... uh... June eighth will make nine months. He turned seventeen April tenth. I'll turn eighteen June thirteenth.
  11. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    Hi, if i were you, i´ll try to get rid of everything around that reminds you to it. it not good to have a book about it, because you´ll use it for triggering yourself. if you´ve just started, you need to focus on something else,. try to do sports or go outside for a long walk. When i started i felt just like you feel now, and i still...
    you can stop this now, you´ll become an addicted, Si is like drugs, because it drugs your body with endorphins everytime you do it, and your body get used to it, and everytime you do it it will need more. You still can do something about it, but you need to want to stop it. I know you won´t want to wear long sleeves all the time, and become a lyer. if you are in love of your boyfriend, do it for him. You will hate to be hidding your scars from everyone (and if you still doing it, scars will appear)My scras don´t dissapear anymore, i´ve hurted my both arms and i´ve done it in my legs. SO PLEASE BELIEVE ME, and try to fill your day with other activities, untill you´ll be so exsausted you won´t do anything. Let me know if you need to talk. pm me at anytime
  12. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Hiya, I just wanted to say that I haven't found this true for me at all. I guess it's different for everyone. I suppose the thing is if you want to trigger yourself you can do it with this site, can't you. I just think the book might really help with the boyfriend, as it did with mine :smile:.
  13. Ai... I can't afford that. I'll just find some internet articles to print. Looks very enlightening, though.
  14. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean, and i must say that i´m guilty of triggerin with this site sometimes. But what i wanted to say, wasn´t that the book will trigger, but it may do it. And yes the book can help a lot, but only if she´s ready to let herself help with it. I must say about the boyfriend, that it helped me to have long conversations with him, making him understand what i´m feeling(at least a long time ago, because we doesn´t talk about it anymore i must say). but you are right may be the book won´t trigger her, but may be it does, that´s why she needs to be carefull
  15. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Try this site for printing stuff. It's got a lot there that is in the book anyway :smile:.
  16. Anything can trigger anyone. Yes, I'll agree, sometimes I find this site triggering, but not as much as <mod edit:shygirl triggering> It has really triggering images and they say it's supposed to be helpful, but I find them really... provocative.
    Last edited: May 21, 2007
  17. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    I imagine that link will be removed. We have referenced it before but only as the site that begins with P. :unsure:
  18. prolly so but i can't seem to do anything right anyway so it's not like it matters.
  19. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member


    How did it go with your boyfriend?
  20. he didn't notice. and he won't. I won't see him for about a week. i don't care anymore. let him break up with me. it'd be just all the more easier to kill myself.
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