The Story -apologies

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by see, Jul 6, 2007.

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  1. see

    see Well-Known Member

    Confession

    I need to start talking now if I don’t I will take it with me. I have had a lot to be thankful for and in a way I feel as if I am trying to make excuses I am not, I take full resaponsability. My guilt and my shame has drained me into a empty shell. So here it is.
    I grew up between parents and grand parents my father was an alcoholic and he eventually drank himself into the grave. Use to kick my mother around that made her distant she was doing the best she could I suppose. grand mother was sick we stayed lockup in the house all day, grandfather fed me his homebrew and at night when she was asleep he had his fun he said it was our secret and that he loved me.I was a real slut I knew it was wrong I could have stop him it started when I was 5 as far as I can remember I was lucky he died when I was about 10. I never made friends at school was a bit of a rebel/outcast, at that time age 10 met n boy he was 16 he said he loved me but only there was a price sex, I made a lot of excuses did not work, I suppose I could have tried harder. One night he decided to share me with his 19 year old cousin.By now I was a full-blown slut I just prayed that no one would find out and that I would not get pregnant. I got lucky they moved. I was about 13 by then. My first relationship and intimate contact after that was at age 30 I ended up in a gay relationship with a women 15 years older than me because I did not have the guts to say no.

    So there it the basics now you know I probable deserve to die I made my own bed my own bad choices now I can t live with them any more.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 6, 2007
  2. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hold on a minute here, you are not a slut, you were abused from 5 years old, that doesn't make you a slut, you say you could have stopped it, I ask how, how could you have stopped it?? You were a child, he was a man and an authority figure in your life, you had no control over what happened to you.
    At age 13, you were still a child, this boy took advantage of you as did his cousin, this in no way makes you a slut.
    What I see here is a very brave woman, who all these years has been punishing herself for things that were not of her doing and that were totally beyond her control.
    I am so glad you have found Sf and that you have opened up to us, I hope this is a new beginning for you and that you will now receive the help you deserve so that you can learn to deal with the past and move forward.
    We will be here for you every step of the way, please allow us to support you.

    Take care Hazel xx
     
  3. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Your not a slut. What you have been through was not your doing. Those people took advantage of you. Keep talking to us here on SF. I hope it has been a big help in talking about this.

    All the best.
     
  4. see

    see Well-Known Member

    Re: confession

    In a way it has been a relief but I cant help but feel ashamed for being so weak and for sharing this.
     
  5. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Don't feel ashamed ok? It wasn't your fault nor are you weak. Those people took advantage of you. It's sick and pathetic.

    You've proven that you have courage and strength to talk about this. You should be proud of yourself.
     
  6. see

    see Well-Known Member

    Re:Confession

    Growing up between Parents and grandparents I suppose I was lucky to have had a home. The reason it was both, I can only speculate as kid I thought my parents did not want me and now I think it might have been because my father drank so much, the times I spent at home I remember always lying in my bed with my pillow over my head trying not hear them fighting sometimes she also drank and then the fighting was worse he would choke her and she would scream for me to help then he would threaten to F*&%$ me up if I did help her. I often wished that he would die. I was never allowed in the house during the day and if I got dirty my mother use scream at me and then lock me in my room for the rest of the day. When I stayed with the grandparents it was the opposite my gran was sick and during the day we were locked up in the house curtains drawn so no light came in and so she could sleep I was not allowed to make any noise, at night grand pa came home he took me to his store room where he made his homebrew I remember it tasting kind of like peaches but burning al the way down my trout into my stomach and how my legs turned to jelly every now and then. By 7pm we ate dinner and he listened to the news we were not allowed to talk after that it was bedtime. My grand mother slept on her own double bed and I slept on a bed pushed up next to gpa, this might be a bit graphic so please excuse I must admit I don’t feel much about all of this it is like watching a black and white movie. he started at the top touching my hair then my body telling me how soft I felt he then tasted my nipples and then he would go down south and stimulate me sometimes he took spit if I was dry he told me he loved me and that it was our secret. I tried to be as quite as possible but I could hear my breath racing and my heart beating like a drummer boy every time she stopped snoring my heart skipped a beat. I just always prayed that no one would find out and that God would forgive me.
     
  7. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I know it's been traumatic for you. I'm sorry that you had to go through that. No one should ever experience that at all. Your grandpa's actions were horrid and totally sick. I just hope you can move on and enjoy life the way it should be. Also it's goods that your able to talk about it.
     
  8. see

    see Well-Known Member

    At the moment I am not sure about how I feel about all this. After posting and getting your reply I sort of felt a bit sick and mad all at the same time for what happend to me ,it is the first time that I have felt emotion about it.Only time will tell.
     
  9. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    It's only natural that you would feel those emotions. It's your mind and hearts way of coping with what happened.

    I hope talking about it has and will continue to help you. I believe you will get over this. =)
     
  10. see

    see Well-Known Member

    I might as well tell the rest of the story and get it over with starting to remember some other stuff. By the time I went to school I was obsessed with touching myself I was sick I use to sit wiggle on the school bench to trying to stimulate myself while the other kids were learning the abc I just never made friends everybody thought I was this tough and rough kid who would smash you face in if I had the chance. After my grand father died I so relieved but almost then came this boy he just knew which buttons to push and I only realize after it was to late what his intentions was I should have know why would he like me if the rest of the world ignored me. He was very polite my father liked and trusted him, he said he could pick me up after school everyday before he took me home he took me to the park. The first time he grab me started kissing me and lifting my skirt I asked him what he was doing he siad he wanted to show mw how much he loved me I ask why and then he pushed me down held my arm above my head took of my panties down and did his thing he was like a dog on heat it felt like he was tearing me apart when he was finished he pulled up his pant and told me to clean myself up so he can take me home. When I got home I trough away my panties they were full of blood was afraid my mother would see I felt like a real slut I don’t know why didt stop him. After that it became a regular stop until he decided to come to my house and do it. One day him and his cousin picked me up for ice-cream and he told me that his cousin wanted a kiss on the back seat while he went to get the ice cream. The cousin climbed on top of me I couldn’t move and he just went ahead and F$%@* me when my "boyfriend” came back he asked if we had fun.
    Anyway I think that is enough for now I was slut I could have stopped I, al this talking seems to be waking up some anger inside of me.
     
  11. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I admire your courage for talking about this. You should be really proud of yourself. What you have been through is soo horrible and unspeakable. I really hope you can overcome all this and find true peace in life.

    Are you close with anyone in your family?
     
  12. see

    see Well-Known Member

    No not really .My brother lives in germany we are strangers always have been he grew up in bording school.My Mother we not close we talk ones or twice a year but about the weather.
     
  13. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    What about cousins or uncles and aunts? Is there any one at all that you can go to for support?
     
  14. see

    see Well-Known Member

    No never got to know them with my fathers drinking (family embarrassment)
     
  15. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    That really sucks. Well at least you have this forum and the people on here to be of support to you.
    Have you ever spoken to a professional about all this?
     
  16. see

    see Well-Known Member

    No I have not here on SF is the very first time that I have shared my secrets, not much of talker. I am broke dont have medical insurance and dont think anything would come out of my mouth even if I could talk to someone face to face.So I am glad i found you guys
     
  17. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Well at least now you can talk about it. I hope you will find this place very helpful. And like I said before. Feel free to PM me anytime. I'll always listen and help you as much as I can ok?
     
  18. kyo

    kyo Member

    Your story is a very, very shocking one. Your grandpa and those guys that abused you... Really, it's so damn plain stupid of them. I really feel your pain - being sexual abused from when you were 5 and it just continued... you got brain washed and started to do "it" yourself... until you got to the age you realized what they were doing... It's a really shocking story, and I can see how you haven't told anybody about it yet... But as Mystic Eyes says, you should try to seek someone that could possibly help you. Any friend you have, just tell her your story, no matter how embarrassing it is. I'm sure he/she'll understand, and give you tips and ideas on how you can get help. And again, it's not you who's at fault... it's grandpa and those guys...
     
  19. crazy

    crazy Well-Known Member

    I can really feel for you. What you shared is similar to things I have gone through. I first would like to tell you that in no way are you a slut, weak, or a coward. If any one is those things especially a coward it would be those guys that did such horrific things to you.

    I was sexually abused by my mom's boyfriend starting at age 4 and it going on until about age 8. I was also in a very abusive, mostly sexually and emotionally relationship with a guy a few years ago when I was 18. He would do things to me even if I told him no dozens of times. When I think about the things I had gone through I still get angry, embarrased, filled with guilt and shame, fear, thinking im all these horrible things, that I don't deserve love, that I deserved what happened to me, that I still deserve to have people do whatever it is they wish to me. That isn't the case at all.

    I do have the right to be angry at those guys because they violated me. You also have the right to be angry. It is ok and normal to be angry with what happened to you. As for the rest of the stuff though normal and common reactions to what occured I can now choose whether or not I feel/believe those things. Today I choose not to be embarrased, ashamed, or guilty. I did not do anything wrong. You did not do anything wrong either. The only time I should feel those things is when I did something wrong. I, you, or anyone does not deserve to be violated in such horrible ways, or in any way for the matter of fact. Also I do deserve to be loved, so do you.

    The people that hurt you took advantage of you. They're cowards. They had to harm a young girl so they could feel better. How sick is that? They were afraid to try it on someone older. They knew it was wrong. Shame on them. People who do that type of thing are sick cowards.

    I believe you are very very very brave. You are able to share about this in detail. I commend you for that. Keep that up. It helps with the healing. The people that hurt you were never able to face bad choices they made. Instead they ran. You on the other hand are facing a situation head on. It was not your choice what they did to you. Yet you are choosing to not let them have any power over you any more. You sharing about it is taking away all and any power those sick and cowardly guys ever had over you. Keep it up. Get the secrets out. You're such a great couragious person.

    Here is a resource I have used that has helpped me so much. It is free and confidential. You don't even have to give a first name. http://www.rainn.org/ if you are in the USA there number is 1.800.656.HOPE . They also have a online hotline. There are many resources there all for FREE.
     
  20. see

    see Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies I am feeling very vulnerable at the moment and embarrassed I can help it. All the talking seems to have opened up some wounds and I am walking around like a wounded bear not sure what to do with myself..
     
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