The Story of my Downfall (with a touch of optimism)

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DISCLAIMER: This is by no means a work of literature. Please disregard any disjointedness. This may seem like a rant, but I couldn't find any other way to draw a picture of what I'm feeling. For those who take the time to read the whole post, I truly am sorry about the length and am grateful. For those who don't, which I believe are many, I truly understand.

I admit it. I've reached rock bottom. But there isn't anything i can do about it. At least not in my current state of control. Let's start from the beginning.


I'm 24 years old and I found out about a year ago that I self diagnosed myself to having Inattentive ADD along with Social Anxiety. It was always hard for me to talk to people and concentrate on what they were saying, not to mention my surroundings. All due to constant self-consciousness and the clockwork worrying. I never had many friends, and I was never really close with my family. I learned to make the best of what I was and enjoy the little things in life that made me happy, but still frustated by my lack of social skills. I spent most of my free time online exploring psychological and psychiatrical websites trying to find a cure for my itch. Cause that's all it was at the time. An ITCH.

Last November I visited a psychiatrist for the first time. I was prescribed with Effexor XR, starting out on 37.5 mg twice a day and later upped to 75 mg, likewise. Let me here mention that I was unemployed at the time, so my social surroundings never really changed much. All i felt from the medication was mild side effects such as drowsiness, and any reduction of anxiety or improvement of concentration was purely mild.

Anyway I wasn't consistent with the medication, and I finally decided to stop it, leaving myself about one month's worth of pills. I relocated in June to a city I've lived in, worked in and made many friends the year before. You see, I worked as a waiter at a hotel, and the people I worked with there were kind and full of life. We were really a consolidated group, and i was happy. The only reason I left was because I set some goals that didn't quite pull through.

So this year two of my friends that worked there last year, who had also relocated back home, asked me to join them to move back during the summer to work at the same hotel with improved conditions. These are people I felt mostly confident around. Anyway I agreed and we arrived on June 8th of this year. We were warmly welcomed back by the managers and other staff who remained. The first week I was mostly with the 2 people I came with and we all agreed that this time around was different, that we ought to set an example for them.


I promised myself that this time around things will be different, and I set myself a goal to be more socially attractive. Remember the medication I tucked away long ago? Those came with me on the trip, so therefore I started taking them on a daily basis. for good impressions.
Most of the employees were new or unfamiliar, but I managed to force myself to appear friendly and helpful. I managed to naturally slip a joke here and there when necessary and I found myself more and more confident while speaking. Most of the people were really easy to talk to. There was this one girl who was a real beauty. Let me express that I found her extremely attractive physically. She was my age and to me seemed quite the popular girl, but other people gossipped that she was f@#$ed up and was immature for her age. This didn't disencourage me, but I never could find an opportunity to talk to her besides introducing myself or a simple greet hello. I simply labeled her as snobbish, since that's what she seemed like to me at the time.


One day, 2 or 3 weeks later. she asked me for help with some simple task at work. I was already on the pill, feeling pretty confident around the people at work. Anyway as we talked, I could sense there was something about her that made her different from other girls. For one thing, she initiated the conversation wth me which is something I barely get from a girl. When I asked her what her goals in life were, she told me that she has come to a point in her life where she gave up planning her future and did what she wanted as she wanted. Kind of like living the moment. I immediately empathized with everything she said, and offered advice where needed. We continued the conversation on the bus ride home, and she invited me to her apartment where we continued the conversation. I felt in control and completely confident with her, and it really made me happy. I felt dominant to her, felt free to tease her when the opportuniity arised, shared my emotions with her. I even told her what she means to me. I enjoyed helping her and being with her in general. In fact I made it my responsibility to take care of her.And I always reminded her of that. She was let go from work because she didn't suit the job's needs (or so the managers told her). Her reaction was very optimistic, and she found a job at a different position in the same hotel chain where she lasted another 2 weeks, when she decided to pack and leave back home. I tried my best to convince her to stay, but she insisted that she needed time to be with her family.

She came back two weeks later and stayed at one of her friends' apartment. She told me how she felt uncomfortable living with him and that she didn't want to be dependent on other people. I was extremely supportive and helped her find a nicely furnished room in an apartment which she shared with the landlord, an extremely kind elderly woman. She looked to me for reassurance and I was overjoyed. After this, we spent literally everyday together, going out in the evenings, and just spending time together during the day when i got off from work. She was unemployed. She was confused, and her overly outgoing behaviour made her meet people she regretted meeting. She made it clear that I was one of her few close friends because i opened up to her, and her behaviour towards all other people was simply an act, to console. She told me many times that she has to be with people to stop her brain from thinking and becoming depressed. Like always, I empathized with her, especially after I learned how much it was true. (Just to be clear, we didn't have any intimate relationship, just became really close friends. The fear of losing her was what held me back. In retrospect, there were a few opportunities I could have taken advantage of, but I decided it would ruin the friendship.)

I felt like a new person. I found myself much more focused at work and home.and recieved a huge gain of respect from the people around me. I was more and more organized, and I tended my self hygiene with greater care. All the short terms goals I set were easily reached. Suddenly I felt that everything was falling into place. Any spark of anxiety was always shushed by telling myself "You're a man, you can do anything." And I really believed I could do anything. At work I was really outgoing and friendly, with a healthy sense of humour, greeting and chatting with everyone, even the silent types. I was always willing to help others without hesotation. I felt mature. My mind had completly erased itself of negative thoughts, or any thoughts whatsoever. I thought I had rid myself of all my problems. I was running out of medication but it didn't worry me at the time. I felt in control of any situaltion I put myself in.

One bright summer morning I opened my bag to found out I was out of medication.The first few days I felt a bit sick, as I expected, due to the withdrawal effects.Within a week I still felt confident around people, but I was slightly more hostile in my humour, which people rather enjoyed. I let people know when I was happy, excited, angry or disappointed. I still felt the constant need to be with people. I was constantly surrounded by people who looked up to me and respected me. I decided I was cured and the medication was just the boost I needed to put myself in a healthy social environment, and that I can take it from here.


But something happened. My brain started thinking again. At first it was just positive thoughts, like "should I wear the blue shirt or the green shirt?". But more and more negative thoughts such as "what if they find out who I really am?" started popping up. I tried tucked them away by starting a conversation with someone, but I also noticed that the confidence in my voice was slipping away. Several days of this and some people asked me about my change of mood lately, which i casually replied with "I'm just tired". I fel the need to force myself to talk to people, that I wasn't about to let myself go back to the way I was. Never again. The more I tried to force things to stay as they were, the more agrivated I became. All my pure happoness turned into anger and fear of losing what I worked so hard to achieve. I was mainly angry at myself, but I took it out on everyone. I stopped being friendly and helpful and I hated feeling that way. And that's when depression began. Everything around me was falling apart. I made myself more and more unavailable to others and gradually isolated myself. I found myself to be the same person I was before except in a MUCH worse state. The constant orders I gave myself, "Stop thinking negative thoughts" and "Lift your head, people can see you" soon became unaffective. It wasn't long before I caused a scene at work and people saw me as a freak. I was constantly depressed at work, and I could overhear people talking about me. But I stopped talking to them. I was too upset that I lost my ability completely and it what took up most of my focus at work. The time away from work was more convinient to continue to force my social skills. But still my mind kept thinking that they would notice a change in my behaviour. People I considered close friends mentioned it to me a few times, but really I couldn't do anything to control it. My one true friend I could count on to make me feel better was the girl I mentioned before, even though I became less and less attracted to her, and less tolerable for her nature. The only reason I could guess she stayed in contact with me was because she was too preoccupied with her own life to notice that mine was coming down like an avalanche. I was no longer confident nor willing to speak my mind and my emotions to her. All I kept thinking was "How did I come to this? I used to be the one to care for her!"


Lethargy kicked in right about a week ago when my financial state became a big fat zero. Being depressed and having no money at all is the bottom of the barrel for me. Having to walk in the August sun instead of cooling off in an A/C'ed taxi really sucks the life out of you. I've lost all motivation to do anything at all. Work, Playing guitar, even surfing the net. Let me say this now, my whole life, music was my passion. Now I can't even enjoy listening to it. All I feel like doing is crawlling up in bed and sleeping. I quit work this Sunday.on bad terms with my employers. I told them I was depressed and I couldn't work. That's all my mind was occupied with. I couldn't stay one more minute. I just took my bag and left. I was gawked at with weird looks and yelled at for being "gay" for some reason. But I didn't care anymore. Nothing seemed to matter anymore.


I came back home yesterday and nothing has improved. Things I enjoyed doing, don't mean much anymore. I realized only now how addicted I became to the medication. How dependent I became on them. I decided to call that psychiatrist again and set an appointment. September 17th. Whew. I hope things won't get too bad before then. I'm planning on printing this post out for him to read. I still can't believe how I turned from being the happiest person on earth to becoming such a hopeless twat. The only optimism I feel is knowing that I have the potential to be a normal person again, but only by chemical reaction.

I found this post to be extremely liberating. It seems like the only thing I enjoyed doing lately. For those who made it till here, let me once again express my gratitude, and feel free to post any thoughts/comments/remarks/whatever.

Life is what you make it................. if you make it


* I just want to say good luck with your psychiatrist appointment and that sometimes the best thing is a little optimism * You should feel proud of yourself for looking forward to a better future *

*take care*


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Wow that is quite the tale.... it has helped me in many ways... the main ones being that I am now even more scared to get into medication. And you also helped confirm my fears. That any happiness I find will be drug induced and will only be temproary...

Really I am thanking you. I hope things go ok and you can get back to the person you want to be.
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