The struggle of my life, where will it lead me?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by guyinworld, Jan 14, 2015.

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  1. guyinworld

    guyinworld New Member

    I'm not even sure why I am on this site. I've gone through my phone's contacts twice already, and while there are hundreds of people I know, none of them are anyone who I could talk to about my current state of thinking. I've found random chat sites and just was up front with my desire to no longer live tonight. Most of the comments were cruel and disheartening to say the least. Then I found this site in the process of going down the list. The chat doesn't work for me, so I figure I'll at least post some thoughts here and yet I don't even know what I want to really share.

    To be honest, there is nothing new, nothing no one already knows. Suffice it to say, it has been 4 months and counting that I have received a text or a message or anything from anyone who has been classified as a friend, this includes my best friend. I've always struggled to fit in, feel normal and be accepted. Sure I have my set of hangups and past hurts. I was diagnosed with MDD (Massive Depressive Disorder) when I was 17. I've been on medications ever since. I've spoken to psychiatrists. I've sought help in various forms. Suffice it to say, I'm run the gauntlet of trials and tests for my condition. I'm now 27 and not much has changed.

    Four months ago, I got tired of always initiating conversations, hang-outs with friends, follow-ups, etc. I had spoken to my best friend about it once as well. I told him that it seemed that unless I initiated a conversation or hanging out, that no one ever contacts me or asks if they can hang out with me. I even said, at times I feel the same is true for him also. This was shared casually amongst a normal conversation along with other banter being exchanged between my best friend and myself at lunch one day. It wasn't a big emphasis or a mountainous ordeal. It was just something I mention to him that it bothered me. In a moment of honesty, I shared that it instills the feeling that I'm not wanted for just being me, or desired or sought after. As I explained, it wasn't like I was asking them to doing anything special or treat me differently. Yet by contrast, I pointed out that even within our time together at lunch he had been receiving texts from several people asking him to do things and or just talking to him. However, in comparison, this was not the case for me. I don't get texts because people decide to see how I'm doing or just shoot the breeze or ask to hang out.

    For the brief sake of context, I'm a normal regular guy that is well liked among everyone. I tend to bring laughter and joy to any situation I am in. And most likely if people have problems, need advice or are encountering trouble, I am a frequent stop for them. I love to help people and I say that not to be boastful, but to share with you who are reading this and don't have a standing relationship with myself, that it's not as if I have some blatant issues about my character or personality.

    In fact, throughout our open discussion between my best friend and I about this topic, I shared with him that I troubles me a little, because it begins to open a internal thought and evaluation of this very concept, perhaps there is something wrong with me. Perhaps this is the "why" to my problem I was sharing with him. I have trusted my best friend to give my truthful answers, no matter how hard they are to hear. We have often had to have some of those conversations together in both directions, and this was trait we both appreciated and trusted in our friendship together. He said there was nothing wrong with me at all, and to think so was rather ridiculous. While he wasn't sure why I was having this problem, he saw no reason that triggered it.

    Afterwards, having had some time to think about my present struggle and the conversation we had shared about it together, I really began to think was I perhaps being a little to over-dramatic with the concept that literally no one texts me unless I initiate the correspondence amongst my circle of friends? I spent the better part of a day off going through the entire text history between myself and my friends on my phone. I don't delete anything ever so I have complete transcripts. In a 3-month history review of each friend, aside from a friend asking a question that pertained to clarification or ensuring they had accurate details from a previous conversation (such as what time we were meeting), I saw that I was in fact correct. I initiated every conversation between all of my friends. I even saw that if we were hanging out or talking about doing so, I was the one to arrange it or ask to do it most of the time in these conversations, but that was a trail I didn't keep tally of, as my aim was to just tally conversation starts.

    So seeing as this was the case for a 3 month period I decided to do a little experiment back in mid September of last year. I decided, regardless of the urge to text someone, I would not initiate a text for any reason, unless it was an emergency to any of my circle of friends. Now I honestly figured this would last a day or so before they noticed the absence of conversation and would text me. It is now January, and no one in my friend circle has texted me. We also haven't hung out. Not I will give some friends credit here for sending a group text on thanksgiving, on Christmas and on New Years. But that was only some of them and to each one that did send a generic group text, I sent one back to them also wishing them a great holiday as well.

    So my little experiment has lasted 4 months now without a single text received, without having anyone to hang out with during any of the holidays or checking in on me. This included my "best friend" who I now put in quotes because, I question this status, at least from his perspective. I've watched them hang out and party and go on through life throughout their social media accounts and it seems that I have not been a noticed absence. It really has solidified much of what I had been feeling and thinking for the past two years.

    The holidays are always a tough season for me. My depression often is at it's height and I also tend to feel the separation between myself and friends the greatest, as they participate in parties and family functions and this tends to limit our interaction and exchanges by nature. Surprisingly I survived the hardest part of the normally dark part of the year for me. January usually begins the light to the brighter half of the year. Yet I can't help but feel an aching in my heart and a deep sense of grieving over the loss of all the people in my friends circle.

    Sure, they're not truly lost but 4 months is a long period of time to never text someone or see someone who you plan or desire to keep as your friend. And now we are caught up to today. I'm ready to no longer live. Sure, some of you will tell me to forget them, move on, make new friends, they were never really your friends to begin with. But in reality, they were my friends, I don't desire to forget them, even after all this, I work a full-time job, I go to school online, I have plenty to keep me busy and to hang out and chat was easy enough to balance. But to go looking and seeking for people to be friends with, just takes more energy than I personally care to extrude at this stage. The depression has overwhelmed me to a point of zero energy left, after my required responsibilities. I don't feel alive or living at this point in my life. Rather I just feel as though I'm existing.

    I crave being desired or being wanted. Perhaps this is unhealthy to have these feelings. I would argue, who doesn't have those feelings or desires in some form or moderation? Am I asking to much to have a text sent to me because they want to send a text to me? Or to be asked if I would like to hang out because they want to hang out with me? I don't think so. But I don't believe it's the level of my ask that is the problem, but rather their level of desire and their level of pursuit.

    If there is one thing that I hate to do, it's to point the finger at someone else, because you then have three pointing right back at you (make a pointer finger with your hand and you'll see what I mean). I don't want to say it's them and not me. I am willing to accept the blame entirely, even if my involvement in the matter is just 1% of the entire problem. The truth is, I am not desired by them as I have desired them. I am not sought after our reached out to, as I sought after or reached out to them. Given that enough time has passed in a four month period, I don't think they'll mind that my decision to no longer keep existing. Sure there is the initial shock value of the news, but in total play out, it won't affect them in a long-term impact. For this, I am grateful. My desire is not to hurt anyone. My aim in choosing death over life is not out of smite or a desire to get back. Consider it selfish, I want freedom from my existence. The physical, emotional and mental pain I have persistently endured since I was young and grow to just manage with in my day-to-day life has become something that I desire no longer.

    Are there possibilities of a better outcome, a new tomorrow, green grasses on the other side, sure. I'll give you that much. But in all honesty, there has always been that possibility, ever since I was young. Though I wasn't officially diagnoses until I was 17, I was born with my condition of depression as the doctors have stated themselves. It's not as though I choose or fluctuate in my depression, it's rather consistently horrible to place it mildly. I've had nearly every test, scan, medication, and treatment imaginable, nothing has alleviated the pain within my body. So while there is always the prospect of a better tomorrow, with pain still today; "Why?" I ask, can that prospect of relief and freedom of pain not come through death? For some death is a scary and saddening moment. For myself, I welcome the prospect it brings under my condition which has riddled me with constant pain throughout my life.

    Perhaps I should be grateful of this little experiment of mine. Perhaps I should see it as preparation for a time when I am no longer walking this earth and am able to live in freedom from this present pain and struggle while those left here to remain on earth go on with perhaps a minor set back, but without a life impacting setback brought on through my, perhaps selfish, decision.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    In any group ot people some people are initiators, some are followers , some are leaders. Everybody falls into specific roles over time. I really do not understand if your experiment means you never saw or were seen by any of your friend in person or on social media in that time period - or if you are just referring to the fact they did not initiate a text with you. I could go through a year history on my phone (because only had a year ) or 4 years on my home phone and tell you I have not received a single personal call in that time. If i take out immediate family of wife and kids then i have had 2 people call me in 4 years. This is not a better or worse situation- it is a situation where you willingly and intentionally decided not to talk or try to hang out with people that up to that point happily talked and hung out with you but you were bothered because you had to ask. Without knowing you and your personality far better than I cannot hope to explain why, but the simple fact is you have people.

    You can decide to text somebody and get a reply, and ask them to go do something and they likely will. The issue is that was not satisfactory to you because you feel it is diminish because you texted first rather than them. But your current isolation is a choice you made as a "test: or experiment. I will say in my experience most people do not respond well to being "tested" to determine if they are "good enough friends". I do not believe that being desired or wanted is measured only by if somebody actively pursues you and the conclusion you have no value if they do not hunt you down is less about fact than about the degree. Before you decide to use your 4 months isolation as an impetus to kill yourself spend a few weeks texting some peopel and going out and doing things again.

    The fact is you intentionally isolated then decide suicide is best because you feel alone and that is classic behavior of depression or a depressed person. We intentionally isolate then use the loneliness as an excuse for why we do not matter and nobody cares. Try texting some people and going out to do a few things for the same four month period and then decide if you still feel as suicidal. After 27 years 4 months is not a lot but even up the test by this time instead of intentionally isolating for 4 months balance it with intentionally doing as much as possible to be around people doing things and staying busy- yes even if it means you are the one to initiate the calls. Balance out the experiment and do both ways before reaching a conclusion based on half the data- 4 months isolating intentionally and 4 months actively pursuing friendships and relationships and not judging them by their effort compared to yours but rather simply by yourself doing everything possible you can do to maintain and grow relationships. Then you will have an experiment worth considering is your life has value and what is the best way to add value to your life.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
     
  3. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    One of the biggest mistakes I ever made was placing my self worth into others. There is no one else in the world that can fill that massive void but you, and isolating yourself is to depression what gasoline is to fire.
     
  4. gsp

    gsp Member

    Hi guyinworld,

    I can relate to what you're going through. In my experience, friendship is a two-way street. I used to hang around a group of people I considered to be my friends, when I noticed the same thing you did -- I was doing most of the initiating, not the other way around. Then I was able to see that my relationship with them was unbalanced. Simply put, I liked them more than they liked me. I was giving more than I was getting. To me, this was not friendship. I was a member of their fan club, not their friend.

    And so I'm going to end up saying the things you anticipated. Forget them, move on, and make new friends. You deserve to have friends who enjoy your company as much as you enjoy theirs. And they're out there. You may not think so right now, but they're out there. I know you said that looking for friends takes a lot of energy. But don't forget that when you're depressed, your judgments are often skewed negatively. You may find that once you make initial efforts to make new friends, you might actually enjoy it, and that in turn might give you more energy to continue pursuing friendships.

    You said you crave being desired or being wanted. Well, I don't know if I count, but I want you to stick around. I like your writing style. You're clear, articulate, analytical, and you know how to conduct an experiment. Who wouldn't want someone like that around?

    Be well,
    gsp
     
  5. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    I did the same thing last week. Stopped texting altogether to see if anyone would text me first or even notice. Nope. I wouldn't last 4 months though. I've started texting a tiny bit--just my nieces since I am the adult and they are the children. Most other people don't even notice I've gone.
     
  6. Dewonderland

    Dewonderland Well-Known Member

    Sadly I feel that as we grow up more and more people are unable to create link.

    It reminds me those lines in Le Petit Prince" from Saint Exupéry :
    "Grownups love figures. When you talk to them about a new friend, they never ask questions about essential matters. They never say to you: 'What does his voice sound like? What games does he prefer? Does he collect butterflies?' They ask you: 'How old is he? How many brothers does he have? How much does he weigh? How much money does his father earn?'"

    I think people forget what is important and that small things are important.
    They might think that if there was something you would call.
    And they probably don't think they have to call you because they're probably busy looking for important things where they are not. (which take a lot of time)

    You ust have to find the one who's still able to see.

    I've gone through the same thing.
    I ralised I could disappear and no one would miss me.
    I was always trying hard to be there for my friends or people I thought were my friend but beside the moment where they where needing my help I was quite lonely.

    Then I thought I was needing to learn to be on my own.
    Not that I wasn't but to admit it.
    That probably, most of the time, I would be very lonely.

    And then not expecting too much
    Because people might be busy with their struggle too.
    And because I have to keep my kindness for people who are nice with me. Because we might all be the same. Not being nice with people who are nice to us.
    There might be someone who's waiting for you to notice that he disappeared some times ago.

    Anyway, if not, that means you have to find people who really care for you.
    There is no way you don't deserve to be loved !
     
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