The suffering

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by the_me_that_you_know, Apr 16, 2007.

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  1. The title of this thread is a video game as well.... mostly I work song titles or game quotes into my posts to make me feel better if I can relate to them. The game is about escaping a prison. My life is now a prison. I don't know when I'll get to the end or what will happen when I do, both in the game & in life. Basically I'm being used/abused by the only ones who can get away with it; my family. It's put up with this or die on the streets. Nowhere else to go. This deal is insane. I find myself wanting to die, especially to punish them. I could happilly <Mod Edit: Abacus21-methods>, and when they take my dead body away I hope they leave the messy blood for mother to clean up! I'm going to go mad(too late already, ya think?). I don't have the drugs to take that have sustained my will to live up until now, this has been going on my entire life. I always have to do something to alter my perception of reality or the reality is I'll kill myself, somehow I'll find a way. Even now the junkie mother is plotting to steal my bronchitis medication. This is too much........WAY too much. I see them as pure unadulterated evil. I however am not, or they'd be dead now. If I'm driven to kill anyone it will be me. Only the cat appreciates all that I do.... my best freind, the one I love the most. If I go he will suffer, I can't let that happen, yet I can't go on like this.... now to avoid the bad atitude I'll have to deal with this morning I have to go clean for them... the dishes.... the sharp kitchen knives....... pray for me.................if you are religous anyway.... maybe it'll help.... I'm so sorry
     
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2007
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I think this is an excellent idea. It's good that you have found a way to express yourself in a way that you are comfortable with. Well done.

    In real life, what is constricting you? Trapping you?

    No one needs to put up with being abused. Abuse is incredibly wrong. How old are you?

    If you are in the UK there are organisations that can help you find somewhere safe to live, such as a hostel, or something like that. Connexions Direct in the UK can help, as can the Citizens Advice Bureau.

    Have you got any professional help? A therapist? or anyone? Have you been to a doctor about how bad you feel? They can do a lot to help you.

    I don't think you are mad, no, I think you are in an awful situation. It's a shame that you feel the need to distort your reality. But you can change your reality. You may feel trapped, but there are ways to get out of your situation. I'm not going to claim it will be easy, but it is doable if you want it enough.

    Maybe, if you went to the doctors and got help and they offered you meds, you would be able to explain this to them, and they should be able to come up with a way to help you, like getting your tablets very regularly, so that if she does steal them, it's not the end of the world and you would get them soon.

    Don't let them win. You could achieve far more by fighting out of the situation and going on to have a positive life. It would be the biggest reward for you, and the best revenge on them. Far better than leaving them to clear up blood and deal with grief if you died.

    Animals are wonderful healers. They can provide support and love when you don't get it elsewhere. They can love you unconditionally and give so much, whilst asking so little. It's truly great that you have such a wonderful animal.

    If he is your reason for fighting on, then that's what you need to hold onto and never let go of.

    No, you can't go on like that, and you shouldn't have to. Please go to your doctor, and get some help. Please try and look for a way to get out.

    Hang on and keep fighting
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 16, 2007
  3. Wonderful ideas all of them. But this so called "revenge" I don't know how justifiable it is.. I mean these people are blood relatives who took me in when the chances were I would have ended up in an A. Orphanage, B, Fosterhome, C. I don't even want to know... and we are tied by those feelings of love that family experience. Unconditional love, I guess you could call it, it's in my heart anyway, and I think if she ended up in jail/rehab noone would take care of her other son, my brother at heart, he is a very special case. I feel so sorry for him & would never do anything to see him suffer any more than he is already.... which means I'm tied into this situation. It's horrible that it takes so much money(I keep saying that but I'm not asking anyone to get what we all need: a team of proffesionals that can evaluate & treat everyone for their personal problems/issues and resolve them somehow without breaking us apart... I'd happilly throw everyone-even myself-into an institution to be treated if we could see eachother regularly.
    How I hate the USA.. money is the root of all evil.. and I think of turning to crime for it if it fixes my problems. I'm too young for this bull man. I matured all early and I am sure I'm the most mature one in my family. My state psychiatrist would surely put me away if I asked him... we are the 3rd worst state when it comes to insitutions in the USA. Mother hates the institutoin and will never go willingly..... this is one big mess that requires time to fix properly. Obviously I'm still alive and know I'm the one who has to fix it all. If I can do it I'll be a superhero.... and the only crime I'll commit is taking substances if I need them to help me achieve my victory in this life..... why don't they just legalize it?!!! Anyway, I'll march onward. Thank you for caring enough to reply, man :biggrin: Now it seems I'm not suicidal I know but depending on how I am treated day in, day out, my mood changes from time to time...I cannot garuantee how I will feel at anytime unless I have a large supply of "motivational meds".... not a good sign but oh well.
     
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    It's good that you can see that your brother needs you. Hopefully, like with your cat, that would give you a reason to fight on.

    Instead of looking at it as revenge, maybe look at it as achieving despite the odds. Going on to be successful can be looked at as many things. You seemed to want to hurt your mother (by what you said about leaving lots of blood), which is why I worded it as revenge, but of course, it can be anything.

    It's not your resposibility to sort everyone out. You can only take responsibility for yourself. You could suggest help for others, maybe find some support groups and organisations, or something like that, and show your family the help available to them.

    You seem to only feel that you can help them from where you are, but often, if we are outside the situation we can see what is going on better, and be better placed to help it.

    You clearly feel you owe these people a great deal for what they have done to you. You seem very loyal to them, despite what they put you through.

    It is natural that your mood changes according to what happens to you. But remember that when you feel low, it will pass and ease, and you will feel better again.

    Take care of yourself.
     
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