i am close to 30(male) and i was raped at 10 by a famlily "friend" and the other year by a family member.i I met the first rapist at 16 again but i felt such terror untold and undescribable that i never thought possible to the point where i couldnt move or hardly breathe.Needles to say i would have killed him outright there but he never visited my family again.Life sucked even beyond that and in all other aspects despite my best efforts.Now at this age i havent made any relationship worth speaking of as having sex with someone requires for me to be emotionally involved with and trusting her.Is this the reason or am i sickened from the abuse so i have reached a sort of asexuallity? Depression ,cutting my skin with razors, eating like a pig... I have retained my sanity and my sensitivities though it shows that there something seriously wrong with me.Books art sports any activities i was involved in only helped me cope with life up to the point that i devoured it whole and then nothing was left. I have no place in this world my soul had been triturated utterly. I wish i get some deadly disease or an accident so i can escape this horrid obligation called life .I loathe my being and every second of my existence.I just want to sleep for all eternity and pass into a nameless lethe. My existence to be erased from the past and all the world i just want to die there is no hope there is nothing .IS this hell?I spent a great part of my life believing this.