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The sum of it

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i am close to 30(male) and i was raped at 10 by a famlily "friend" and the other year by a family member.i I met the first rapist at 16 again but i felt such terror untold and undescribable that i never thought possible to the point where i couldnt move or hardly breathe.Needles to say i would have killed him outright there but he never visited my family again.Life sucked even beyond that and in all other aspects despite my best efforts.Now at this age i havent made any relationship worth speaking of as having sex with someone requires for me to be emotionally involved with and trusting her.Is this the reason or am i sickened from the abuse so i have reached a sort of asexuallity? Depression ,cutting my skin with razors, eating like a pig... I have retained my sanity and my sensitivities though it shows that there something seriously wrong with me.Books art sports any activities i was involved in only helped me cope with life up to the point that i devoured it whole and then nothing was left. I have no place in this world my soul had been triturated utterly. I wish i get some deadly disease or an accident so i can escape this horrid obligation called life .I loathe my being and every second of my existence.I just want to sleep for all eternity and pass into a nameless lethe.
My existence to be erased from the past and all the world i just want to die there is no hope there is nothing .IS this hell?I spent a great part of my life believing this.
Every night of my existence since i came to consciousnes at least to the degree which i remember i prayed ,literally for death .But the bastard hasnt come yet and i am so tired.I stopped gym restricting my food i have no job for 5 months now and i have 30 euro left.I just want to give my remaining time in this world to some kid in africa so he' ll have a life and i would pass into nonexistence.i am so tired and sickened by even the most miniscule or negligible elements of my existence .What does this universe want more from me ? from every human that drowned and drowns in misery and suffering of all aspects.
I resisted the onset of despair and hopelessness to the best of my ability and surpassed myself to the point where i am considered by my friends a talented most intelligent individual and alot of that good staff.But that doesnt matter i just quit.I quit living breathing crying every night and rising every morning to fight off the cancerous hordes of hell this world will spew upon me.I just hope to sleep forever.


Account Closed
usually those who in which see through the trivials of life sence the great despair in which this all feeds. i say if u are lost for what to love find some pasionate hate and pick a good fight. live hard. till ur days r done for they r numbered this is for sure. and u can t become less conscious then u r. so what u gonna do to cope?
So i am forced to play this role , charakter that is I that completely sucks though "sucks" is most certainly a euphimism.My monetary situation is 0 euro now and i will be feeding myself at a relative once my supplies end.
To find something to fight against as to give my life not meaning but to dull my perception of the time till my most longed demise is sounds quite promising.Still having no money,job credentials for work such as a degree makes me realize another inadequacy of my existence. My job prospects are nil , and you havent heard the best of it.Manual labour is out of it since i have arthritis in my lower limbs .So what would someone with ruined body mind & soul do? Of course people may say that i am "fine" i ll just find a job and things will improve....

What to fight against what to do & how ? How do you extract motive from a rundown mine.
Is this ocean of excrement our lives for lack of a better word it? Is this endless timeless hell our lives?Is this all we will ever be?ruined bodies souls and minds, carcasses that forgot to disintegrate though still marching on their road to utter oblivion.Trapped in hell forever or simply created at a dark gods whim so he can act his horrid wishes upon us.jesus zeus krishna whoever i just want to know WTF is going on here?!
The image of our existence is those dried up carcasses marching through a desert endlessly towards the sun they ll never reach to destroy them and put them out of their misery because this planet is a cursed sphere.
What are we all doing here ? We are not going to answer a question as to solve a problem.We are simply mentioning it.Like screaming in the void of space.There is no question and there is no answer.Instictive reflexive reaction to the pain we are going through.

Screaming in the Void of space
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