The Swan

MosesY

Recovering Alcoholic
SF Supporter
#1
This weekend I got a bug in my brain and tore everything out of a very deep closet and sorted it, got rid of a bunch of stuff, and put everything back neatly. It didn't end there; Monday night I took everything off of two shelving units in my bedroom and last night I finished sorting, putting all the tools in the garage, and throwing away garbage bags full of stuff. This morning I tore everything off my desk, it has a large shelf unit I built at the back, and I found the swan. Such a simple thing and yet the story it has to tell! That was the week I skipped my therapy appointment and bought what I needed to end my life. I was sitting outside the garage in my car, contemplating how and when I do it. Just then my therapist called. We talked for a little while, I knew that she genuinely cared for me, she had proven it over and over again. She sensed a difference in me, probed some, and I admitted I had purchased what I needed to end my life. That was all she needed; she said I could turn myself in to their hospital or she would send the police to get me and she had the right to do that. It was a relief actually to have freedom taken away at that low point in my life, to just do what I am told. I went in, was assigned a bed, and they took my belt and shoe laces. The next day was a haze, not wanting to talk to strangers, various group meetings where I didn't want to talk, a feeling of total hopelessness, so much information shoved at me, writing a safety plan, etc. I woke up gradually over the next couple days and by Saturday I was told I could go home that afternoon. One of the ladies there was a elementary teacher. Some of us were setting around a table and she pulled out some paper, gave us each a piece, and began teaching us how to fold these birds. Most of us were going home that afternoon and we talked and laughed but we were a little nervous about it. I can picture it vividly sitting around the table folding paper, talking and laughing; right now we didn't have a care in the world but in 2 hours we have to go back to being adults. My swan was crap; I asked the lady that showed us how to make them if I could have hers and this morning, taking stuff off my desk, I found it and all of those images and emotions flooded my being. I have done well since then and am doing really great right now. My safety plan is in the first file right at the front.
Oaklawn Bird.jpg
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#2
Instead of tearing, I tend to hitting. This is why my fingers are kind of stiff because of all the damages from self-harming. I don't think I have ever been better for these 2 years and a half of trying to live.

You have a great therapist.
Make sure to check the safety plan and the swan every time you feel bad.
 

MisterBGone

ReaLemon
SF Supporter
#3
Happy to hear that you are still here MosesY! :)

And also, thank you for sharing your story... I am sure that it will resonate with many~

p. s. I've never known how to make those little paper swan things. . ; )
 

Daphna

Ninja of light
#4
This weekend I got a bug in my brain and tore everything out of a very deep closet and sorted it, got rid of a bunch of stuff, and put everything back neatly. It didn't end there; Monday night I took everything off of two shelving units in my bedroom and last night I finished sorting, putting all the tools in the garage, and throwing away garbage bags full of stuff. This morning I tore everything off my desk, it has a large shelf unit I built at the back, and I found the swan. Such a simple thing and yet the story it has to tell! That was the week I skipped my therapy appointment and bought what I needed to end my life. I was sitting outside the garage in my car, contemplating how and when I do it. Just then my therapist called. We talked for a little while, I knew that she genuinely cared for me, she had proven it over and over again. She sensed a difference in me, probed some, and I admitted I had purchased what I needed to end my life. That was all she needed; she said I could turn myself in to their hospital or she would send the police to get me and she had the right to do that. It was a relief actually to have freedom taken away at that low point in my life, to just do what I am told. I went in, was assigned a bed, and they took my belt and shoe laces. The next day was a haze, not wanting to talk to strangers, various group meetings where I didn't want to talk, a feeling of total hopelessness, so much information shoved at me, writing a safety plan, etc. I woke up gradually over the next couple days and by Saturday I was told I could go home that afternoon. One of the ladies there was a elementary teacher. Some of us were setting around a table and she pulled out some paper, gave us each a piece, and began teaching us how to fold these birds. Most of us were going home that afternoon and we talked and laughed but we were a little nervous about it. I can picture it vividly sitting around the table folding paper, talking and laughing; right now we didn't have a care in the world but in 2 hours we have to go back to being adults. My swan was crap; I asked the lady that showed us how to make them if I could have hers and this morning, taking stuff off my desk, I found it and all of those images and emotions flooded my being. I have done well since then and am doing really great right now. My safety plan is in the first file right at the front.
View attachment 46759
Lovely story!
 

KM76710

Kangaroo Manager
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#5
Fine to hear about your therapist and how much she cares about you and your well being and was there for you when you needed it. And great that you were around and able to post up the message about how well you are doing. I hope that it continues for you and sounds like you have someone who is doing an exceptional job of looking in on you and after you.
 

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