This weekend I got a bug in my brain and tore everything out of a very deep closet and sorted it, got rid of a bunch of stuff, and put everything back neatly. It didn't end there; Monday night I took everything off of two shelving units in my bedroom and last night I finished sorting, putting all the tools in the garage, and throwing away garbage bags full of stuff. This morning I tore everything off my desk, it has a large shelf unit I built at the back, and I found the swan. Such a simple thing and yet the story it has to tell! That was the week I skipped my therapy appointment and bought what I needed to end my life. I was sitting outside the garage in my car, contemplating how and when I do it. Just then my therapist called. We talked for a little while, I knew that she genuinely cared for me, she had proven it over and over again. She sensed a difference in me, probed some, and I admitted I had purchased what I needed to end my life. That was all she needed; she said I could turn myself in to their hospital or she would send the police to get me and she had the right to do that. It was a relief actually to have freedom taken away at that low point in my life, to just do what I am told. I went in, was assigned a bed, and they took my belt and shoe laces. The next day was a haze, not wanting to talk to strangers, various group meetings where I didn't want to talk, a feeling of total hopelessness, so much information shoved at me, writing a safety plan, etc. I woke up gradually over the next couple days and by Saturday I was told I could go home that afternoon. One of the ladies there was a elementary teacher. Some of us were setting around a table and she pulled out some paper, gave us each a piece, and began teaching us how to fold these birds. Most of us were going home that afternoon and we talked and laughed but we were a little nervous about it. I can picture it vividly sitting around the table folding paper, talking and laughing; right now we didn't have a care in the world but in 2 hours we have to go back to being adults. My swan was crap; I asked the lady that showed us how to make them if I could have hers and this morning, taking stuff off my desk, I found it and all of those images and emotions flooded my being. I have done well since then and am doing really great right now. My safety plan is in the first file right at the front.