The sweet knowledge of nonexistence

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by disturbia, Apr 2, 2008.

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  1. disturbia

    disturbia Member

    About 4 weeks ago (march 9th, 2008) I heard that my girlfriend (we lived under the same roof, thought about getting married) died in a car collision.

    Ever since then my life has been kicking me in the head, every day one after another. I dated this girl for 5 years and I lived for her. I simply have no other reason for being alive. I lived _for_ her.

    I have no friends or folks I can talk to about this nor am I strong enough to talk to a stranger ((psycho)therapist)). I'm all alone here with unlimited supply of alcohol, drugs and weaponry, so I wouldn't bet my odds are great.

    What can I do except think about offing myself? I have absolutely no-one to talk to, my father always says things as if he's disappointed of me and my life, so that doesn't really help the situation. And the rest of my family I've been disconnected and have no intentions of keeping in touch with them.

    I've also been banned from general chat (evidently I said something in _private chat_ that is considered a method for suicide) so I simply have no-one to talk to, no-one to listen and no-one to reply and have some sympathy.

    Even though I have real weapons and drugs to off myself with, I have that small tap in the back of my head telling me not to do so. So I don't know what I'm going to do, but I have a blank firing weapon that I could easily commit suicide-by-cop with, so that's the main thing on my mind at the moment since I wouldn't be offing myself - it would be the officer(s). Please, would anyone tell me any reason to live for because I think mine's lost.

    Oh, and to top it all off, she was pregnant 3 months. So I actually lost two beloved ones at a split of a second. Life, isn't it grand.

    Post scriptum: Sorry for any grammar mistakes or some such, English is not my native language and I've been under the influence of alcohol and sedatives for the past 4 weeks, including this very moment.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 2, 2008
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    what a terrible loss. please do not make any decisions about life or death at this time... you are in shock!

    that little tap in the back of your head? it's that small part of you that wants to live speaking up. you don't have to figure out the 'why' and the 'how' yet... just do *not* do anything drastic like take your life.

    you say you are not strong, but you are strong enough to post here and after all, we are all strangers here, at least at first... (once you are here a while you will see the many freindships that evolve... and i am certain you will be back into chat in no time at all....).

    still, once you are suicidal it's hard to change your thinking on your own... that's where professional supports come in. different things work for different people, therapy might be good, or a peer support group of other people suffering a recent loss. my main support has been a community nurse who has taught me, more or less, how to survive when every part of me wanted to die.

    i understand how desperate you are feeling, all i can say is you do *not* have to act on those feelings.

  3. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    Sorry for your losses. Can you see a bereavement counsellor perhaps? They can be very helpful in helping you understand your emotions.
  4. disturbia

    disturbia Member

    Alright so it didn't really go according to plan.

    Little after three o'clock at night I fired thirteen rounds (give or take a few) in the air and called the police. Now I didn't want to cause a fuzz so I simply said "there's someone playing with fireworks, probably just some kids, could you send over a patrol to check the situation anyway?", where he replied "i'll send the next available unit". About 15 minutes later the police came, circled around and head back. I tried to signal them (I was on a roof) by firing rounds in the air but the little bastard jammed. Then I just stayed there for an hour and thought about calling them again but reckoned they'd think it's a prank or some such.

    So, second try today I guess. Anyway, I just wanted you up-to-date.

    [edit] Hope I didn't hurt anyone's feelings or break any SF rules by writing the above. [/edit]
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 6, 2008
  5. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Hey there disturbia,

    In reply to your first post;
    I understand it's hard to talk to people when you need it, especially when you don't have access to chat. I myself don't have access to chat either, but I guess it's all about peddling with the peddles you've got, so to say.
    You could try MSN (feel free to add me, it's in my profile), and other Instant messaging services.

    A therapist would be best in my opinion, but I can understand that being difficult. I myself find it easier to open up to people online than to my therapists..


    Btw, can I ask what your native language is, because your English is excellent, me thinks :blink:
  6. riddle

    riddle Member

    I am glad that it did not work and that you are alive. I hope you continue to choose to be so. At the risk of offending you: suicide by cop is a horrible way to choose. You will traumatize the cop and I don't think that's your right to do.
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    please do not try again.

    you have had many losses. now is not the time to decide to end things. you say you are not strong enough to talk to someone but i disagree. you were strong enough to call 911. were you hoping they'd harm you, or were you really hoping that they would stop you?

    you can make another call: call the 24/7 suicide helpline. you don't have to say who you are but it can make a huge difference to share how low you are, and your plans with another person.

    after doing that i hope you will want to put some other supports in place. you won't always feel as desperate as you do right now. i promise.
  8. disturbia

    disturbia Member

    It actually took quite a while till I pressed the call button so I reckon I had some doubt there. I'm not sure whether it was for myself or for the sake of others; not wanting to make a fuzz. I mean if they'd seen me with a firearm I would've surely ended up in either a hospital or the station.

    I, uh, I'm not rightly sure as to what I was expecting. I'm not sure if I would've aimed at the officers after all, perhaps I would've just collapsed on the ground on my knees and told them to shoot me. Part of me wanted - and still does - a bullet in the chest but then again it's a different story when there's someone actually in front of you able to do so. I don't know.

    I'm just so torn apart right now. My hands are sweating all the time, I can't sleep well, I have arrhythmic disorders, I'm scared and I see all kinds of horrendous shadows and images in my mind, nightmares. I practically sleep with the lights on and a firearm next to me.

    Ishy, regarding to your post; I'm Finnish and I think my English's just plain average (on Finland's standards and scales anyhow). Oh, and also MSN and alikes isn't quite the same as a general chat. You only have one person to speak your peace and it requires interaction where as in general chat you could just sit back and read whilst other people interact and go through their problems, perhaps even throw in a comment of your own every now and then.
  9. disturbia

    disturbia Member

    Argh. I'm so angry and frustrated and depressed but most importantly alone. Everytime I see a picture of her or see/hear her name I just want to jump in front of a bus. What can I do? I simply can't endure it all. Some things suffice it to say doesn't fade away.

    I'm currently highly suicidal and tunnelvisioned and see no other solution. It's just all so incredibly unbearable. And dealing with it alone, effing perfect.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 10, 2008
  10. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Stay safe, and you can always email to me, ok! :hug:
  11. disturbia

    disturbia Member

    There's not much to talk about, you all know my situation and it hasn't improved and I'm constantly on the verge of offing myself. I just simply can't cope and I will eventually kill myself. It's inevitable.

    I'd give anything for physical human contact with someone who'd understand or even listen at the moment but no, the only physical contact I get is with a bottle and a firearm.

    So just... it's not worth it. Even if I'd live I'd just be a burden to society, my treatment and expenses would be out of your taxes. My life is not worth living and I just came to realize that.

    Goodbye fellow SF'rs.
  12. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    disturbia, you are grieving deeply. do not make any life or death decisions right now, please. i know you are desperate for the pain to end, and who wouldn't want that, but please do not hurt yourself. nothing about this is inevitable.

    that 911 call... that hesitation... it was that although part of you wanted to go... another part of you wants to live.

    would you consider talking to a grief counsellor?
  13. Lady of Shalott

    Lady of Shalott Active Member

    Disturbia, if you're still there...somewhere...I know how you feel. If you're in Finland, I am too, at least for some weeks. I am also this low. I lost someone who I love and who is my life, though in a much sort of...morally sick way...the details don't matter anyway, but I feel the same as you, because he was my life and ... it was deep...
  14. disturbia

    disturbia Member

    Lady of Shalott, mate, I appreciate your effort but it just seems a bit too convenient. No offense or anything though, it's just that the day I _will_ kill myself, a complete stranger who just registered comes there to "understand" and claims to be at the same country and whatnot else.

    I'm sorry, I'm just not buying it, don't take it personally. And even if I'd believe you, it doesn't matter anymore, nothing does.

    Oh, and dazzle, no I will not consider talking to a counsellor. I'd rather pour my heart out to the girl next door or any humane person for that matter. Professionals only do their jobs whereas a friend, acquaintance or a stranger could actually understand you to some degree without judgement and that slight sense of arrogance and professionalism.

    disturbia, over and out.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 10, 2008
  15. Lady of Shalott

    Lady of Shalott Active Member

    Ei se mitään. Olen ihan samaa mieltä. I'm sure we're not in the same city anyhow and I have a fractured foot, so I can't easily go anywhere.
  16. disturbia

    disturbia Member

    Well aren't you something.

    Right when I've convinced myself to killing myself you show up. A person currently at the same country who also lost someone and to top it all off a female.

    Heck, if I wasn't so intoxicated and sure of killing myself I'd probably come to meet you and seek some consolation.

    Well, anyway. Off I go once more to drink more. Perhaps I'll still visit once.
  17. Lady of Shalott

    Lady of Shalott Active Member

    Well, I admit, I was really surprised too to read you were Finnish. What were the odds...and your English is light years better than that of most Finns who speak English.
  18. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Heipä hei :) I'm a Finn too. :grouphug:
  19. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    911 is the emergency number in it also the same in Findland.
  20. Lady of Shalott

    Lady of Shalott Active Member

    Seems like we're too late. Maybe he only passed out...? :sad:

    It's 112 here...I think...but we don't even know what city he's in.
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