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The tediousness of everyday life. Can it be? (a humorous reflection)

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It seems to me some fog is lifting from my blinded eyes and I once again feel greatly enlightened (this swing of perception is common to my affliction). Yet, still I feel somber strife... Two nights ago I experienced the most radical emotions (did I evoke them myself? possibly...), I tensed every muscle of my body, trembling and sobbing convusively. My mind raced leading from morbid scenes of suicide to depraved scenes of debauchery. Such dirt and gore almost at the brink of existence clensed me somewhat, though a deep sadness remained (as always)...
So everyday is neither exhilarating nor fast passed mayhem, swirls of images and scraps of conversation, like in a lucid dream. No, everyday is normal. I never thought this is what normal felt like, no wonder my parents fled from it when they got the chance. It is quite overwhelming, to stop and contemplate and digest and put ones mind to order, it is a demanding effort that takes considerable time.
I rather not compare myself to others it doesn't seem to fit, they don't seem to fit me. Yes I am a woman, yes I drink and eat and saciate all my other needs as one does... Yet I can't give in to frivolous pleasure, I seem to loath the uslessness of it (not reffering to sex, I enjoy that, perhaps just banter about life and beliefs, nonesense chit chat). I mecanically smile and laugh and have learned to live but I am somehow zombiefied. Man cannot be free, ethereal, unless he is all alone with no other person around him to alter his awareness. The hermit. Perhaps I know too much for my age or my spirit to handle (this could be a certain form of mania), perhaps I have too much to share... I am reprogramming myself, creating a net to cover my experience, weaving the memories, feelings and conclusions into a finer system, connected and orderly (so I can be close to others without tangling them in a maze).
I have the sense that orderly is reproachful, none the less I believe discipline is the greatest virtue (there we go contrasting and confusing ideas)... Perhaps I think discipline is boring and so is constance... I have never known constance in my life, it may be that it is just an allien and invading concept for my bohemian being... Yet, I am sick and cannot live as I please or think as I please, I feel like complying to rules that are not my own (but healthy) is such a dissapointment, I want to control my life but I can't because everyone else wont comply to my fantasies...

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Yes hard to live when ones mind is not well when one mind wants to live its way but society says no. I hope you find a happy medium to your minds way and societies ways hugs


Well-Known Member
Your writing reminds me of Notes from Underground by Dostoevsky. Consciousness has never been humanity's strong point in my opinion.
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