The temptation got stronger, then went away. Now I'm afraid it'll come back.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kugatsu, Dec 19, 2006.

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  1. Kugatsu

    Kugatsu Active Member

    A few nights ago, I returned home from college to spend the night so that in the morning, my mother and I could go visit my brother who was in rehab and had to celebrate an early Christmas. However, when I got home, my mother was no where in sight. She left to go attend a Christmas dinner her job was throwing. I expected her back at about 2, maybe 3 am. I couldn't leave to visit the friends that I had around town because they were all gone so it was just me, myself and I for the whole night. I stayed in the living room all night long and waited for her. I tried calling her cellphone but I couldn't reach her. At about 4 am, everything came to me all at once. My failing grades at school, my brother in rehab, my friends who weren't around, my personal life encompassing the fact that I haven't had a date in 5 years, no decent relationships in about 2 years, and every girl that I've tried to go out with so far has just rejected me, or otherwise ignored me.

    Let me tell you guys something, I set my date for 17 years later. I still want to see what life has for me through the 20's and somewhere into my 30's so suicide hasn't been a serious thought ever since I made that decision. But for the first time in a long time, the only thing that seemed right was running a blade down my vein and running my hands under a sink until I bled to death. My mom showed up at home at about 6 am with a hangover so I probably would've been dead had I done it. For a solid 15 minutes, all I could hear was "end it all", "just do it", "there's no way other way out for you", "You'll feel so much better afterwards". Obviously, I didn't do it, though when my mom came back vomiting because she had 9 tequila shots earlier and overall acting like a stupid, sloppy mess, I once again sorta wished I had.

    I didn't have to worry about those feelings cropping up again for a little while longer because I went back to school. I had my friends with me again, I was away from my mother and the piss poor conditions she subjected herself to, I was happy again. But now, I'm back again and this time, it's for a month. Not even 1 day passes and already, my mother and I are at each other's throats over her stupid god damn dog that I really hate because it's just an untrained mongrel that seeks to destroy everything I have. My mom yells at me for leaving things where the dog could get to. God damn it, I haven't had to deal with that sort of thing for about 3 months so the least she could've done was give me some slack about that shit.

    It got to the point where she threatened to cancel christmas (big deal, haven't had a decent christmas since the divorce anyway), stop making payments to my school so I wouldn't be able to go anymore unless I payed for it all myself, and to kick me out and make me move to my father's apartment. I never want to live with my father again, never. I'd rather be homeless than have that happen. Barely 1 day and I have only a month and a half longer of this to look forward to, and it's only going to get worst once she gets news of my failed grades back at school. This might end up being the toughest holiday season ever. All I can really hope is that my friends will be there to help keep me out of this place. 1 day without them and I have to worry about thoughts of suicide creeping into my head. I hope that my will keeps me through this.
  2. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    i hear you loud and clear. i am also in college and am dateless. i get rejected like a pair of old socks. i am struggling to keep my grades up. it can be stressful. but i am here for you anytime.
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