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the thing is, I WANT to hurt people I know

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SweetJane88, May 9, 2012.

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  1. SweetJane88

    SweetJane88 Member

    specifically my family. specifically my mother and father for the fucked up life they handed to me on a silver platter. there are demons that will not leave me alone because of them and their abuse+neglect. i fucking hate them both and i hope they go to hell.

    anyways, is this something a psychopath would want? i've never actually admitted that to anyone, not even my drs. im scared of what they would say or think if i did tell them.

    suicide would be the ultimate revenge and triumph for me. im crying and sometimes i can see myself xxxx....it brings me glee, tears of victory.

    what is wrong with me? why am i this dark person? i am such a positive spirit to others, but they do not know how dark my mind goes.

    in all honesty, does that sound sick or does this make sense? no amount of success could be vengeance upon what they've done to me; they do not dserve to bask in any type of pride they could have via myself. f*ck em.

    right now, it's just a matter of when, not if. i dont think there is any other way out of this. i want them to feel my pain.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 10, 2012
  2. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    This is a bit of a pickle thats for sure.

    But the best revenge you can give - is to re-analyse your own life - and spring forwards into living it. This is the best way to show that even though they may not have been the best, you living with a smile on your face is something that with what you've been through, would possibly break them to know they aren't in control.

    It is your life, it is your choice. But I can always be of assistance.

    Ever thought about writing a list of stuff as to why you are contemplating suicide, and analysing this via advice you would give to someone else?

    As for if thats a psychopathic trait - I wouldn't know.

    You wouldn't need to tell them that you've succeeded in making something of your life. Why should they be part of your glory?

    I would also consider writing this down if you don't feel you can tell your docs verbally.

    Anything else - PM me :)
  3. SweetJane88

    SweetJane88 Member

    they've screwed me into a hole and i can't get out. not in enough time. my life will not 180 the way i need it to within the month, so i'm done. five months left to live and i'm broke, starving, and soon to be homeless. they did this to me. i did everything right, everything they wanted even tho they beat me to insanity. soon they will know what is like to be tortured by a loved one's absence. soon...

    there are no such things as miracles in this life. i just want to die and be on theother side, watching them suffer til their dying day.
  4. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    How comes you have 5 months left to live? Do you have any friends who can help?
  5. SweetJane88

    SweetJane88 Member

    it was one of those bucket list items and it just so happens to fall in September, otherwise i would've done it weeks ago. i'm trying to really hold out til this event, but i'm days away from losing all resources to survive. its no longer an emotional issue, its a survival issue. i dont have friends i can come to with problems like that, plus that just makes me more complacent....idk if thats the word im looking for. i really was just cursed as a person who can't trust or fall back on anyone. i'm not made tht way and i wasn't blessed with ppl like that in my life.
  6. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Stick with this place. I see you signed up 1.5 years back.

    I'm sure I can be of much more assistance as I have patience and a belief that I can help people. It is your life and your choice, and that part I respect, but I will do whatever I can do from behind a laptop to try and give you at least one friend :)
  7. Frenchie Gal

    Frenchie Gal Guest

    It does make sense that you're angry at the world and your parents. I too wanted to kill my parents, but for reasons such as being adopted. I had obsessions more though with imagining different parents. And even though most of my relationships aren't ones where I want to kill someone, sometimes I just can't resist hurting them with words, instinctively. I laugh thinking about my last attempts and time in the hospital. I feel like that was when I was most like me and the most free to be myself. I favored that time as it was when people cared. All you can do is keep trying and don't worry about being different, but consider the consequences before you do something.
  8. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    It's hard to really respond because only you know what your parents did or did not do. I personally am upset with my mom and I will never speak to her again for a variety of reasons that I won't go in to here. She's a bit of a monster in my eyes, but I have learned in life that only I can make my own destiny. I've done pretty well for myself over the years, but I did have a rough childhood in some ways. Oh we always had a nice home, food to eat, etc.; I was never physically abused. Some things can hurt more than physical abuse though. At any rate, ONLY YOU can make your future and by making that, you can have your "retribution" over those who did not support, or who hurt you. Tossing in the towel lets "them" all win. Don't be the loser - be a winner. It's a struggle that might take many years... but you are young and you have many years ahead of you. Times in life can change. I remember being flat broke and living in the back of our Chevy van with my wife and first kid... and now I own a successful business and have more than I could have ever hoped for. The point in telling that is to point out that life can change. Through death, however, there is no hope and no change. You can't reverse it. When we do anything in life, we always like to say, "Okay, let me try that again," when we don't get it right the first try. Consider that in the larger scale.
  9. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    SweetJane88, I think it's quite common to feel angry at people who have hurt us, even if it's our parents.

    Suicide to get back at people...hmmm...Doesn't the suicidal person lose the most in that situation? I always like to think that surviving and thriving well in spite of the nasty treatment we've had is the best "revenge." And your family doesn't really get the credit for your success - YOU do.

    I know you've said that you can't turn your life around 180°...and sure, most change doesn't happen overnight. But over time, things can be turned around.

    I'm concerned that you are about to lose all your resources for survival...Not quite sure what resources you mean or what your sources for them are. Perhaps we could help you find other options? And help you figure out some ways to start moving things in a positive direction. Glad you posted and I hope you'll keep talking. Please keep holding on and stay safe.
  10. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I do understand as I am also a survivor of horrific child abuse and neglect...I found the only way out for me was to forgive myself for what I had to do and move on...it took a lot but here I am today, as old as dirt, with many scars, but not functioning from the place of being a victim...it took a lot to release the rage...I thought I would never be able to, but I can say, it is almost not there (excpet when triggered and that is not that often)...so please stay with us as many of us know first hand what you are going through, and PM me if I can help in any way
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi sweetjane, the best revenge you can give them is NOT letting them win and succeed in their emotional torture and abuse. You're probably suffering from post traumatic stress disorder from the abuse and neglect, have you seen a therapist? Please don't give up on life, there's SO MANY good people out there, you can find someone to love who will love you back without any abuse or neglect, just love, compassion and friendship. I never thought I would and I have. You can too, PM me if there's anything I help you with :hug:
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