The thought gives me relief

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Toady, Jul 14, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Toady

    Toady New Member

    Thinking about killing myself and not having to deal with any more pressures, failures, worries, needs, or other troubles is a relieving thought. I can be on the bathroom floor, my mind overcome with whatever anxious thoughts I'm having that night--worrying about time passing me by, worrying about never finding someone who will love me, worrying about never accomplishing anything, worrying about becoming an old man and dying (my latest anxiety)...then I think about how I can make it so I don't worry about anything anymore, and I'm calmed and relieved.

    I just wanted to write this down here, because the fact I'm thinking about it and gaining relief from the thought has me concerned. I'm also going to tell a close friend tomorrow.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Good Morning Toady,
    I'm glad you took this first step and contacted SF. Can you give us a little more information? I know things look pretty lousy right now but if you seek the help you need you will start finding positive thoughts. These thoughts help keep you stable.
    You also will need a good therapist to help you learn coping skills,and about cognitive distortions. There is always an answer to learning how to feel intimant with yourself. You first need to learn how to love yourself. Thats where the therapist comes in. Also you need to see a doc about what is happening with you. He will determin if you need meds.
    Something you need to know is that Depression is disease. You will need the guidance from a therapist and moral support from the SF. We can give you that support and advice. Please give it a go and let us help you. I hope to talk to you around the forum. If you need to talk or just to vent some of the anger in you, PM me and we can talk about it.Good luck!!:chopper:!!
  3. riz

    riz Senior Member

    You're words are incredibly familiar to me. I feel similarly every day. The end seems comforting....and the fact that it's comforting is scary. So I feel comforted and scared at the same time which leads to me feeling confused.

    "Maybe feelings are feelings because we can't control them."--Funny quote from Team America: World Police. lol

    I guess the only thing to do is find out why you feel this way and try to relieve it somehow. I choose music to get me through things. Maybe curling up with a good Fiction novel is an option. Anything to pull you away from reality, even for a moment, can bring comfort and happiness into any dark corner.

    And if you would like to chat more about these feelings with someone who understands, you've come to the right place. PM me anytime.

    Lots of love,
  4. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    You've taken a step in the right direction. Your close friend may also be able to aid you.
  5. Toady

    Toady New Member

    I've always been an anxious, worrisome person, even as a kid. But I always had distractions to make me feel normal. I'm going on 26 next month, and most of my friends have moved away. I stayed behind to go to the local college for a computer degree, and then to help take care of my divorced mother who was raising my little sister. It's a lonely life. I should explain that my mother has anxiety attacks as well, so I'm aware of the possible genetic influence in this situation.

    I recently found out my last friend in town is moving away next year, and it felt like the final straw. Our contact had already been diminished since he got married two years ago, and that's fine. It's frustrating, but I understand. Lately, we had been hanging out a lot more, and I was becoming friends with his wife. Then I found out they're leaving, and it threw me into despair. I've always been obsessed with time, and I hate the feeling that time is running out.

    Mentally, I feel acutely aware and sharp. It's my emotions that overcome me. My mind goes off on these tangents that I can't control. Last week, I became obsessed with aging and dying. The thought that, no matter what I do, I will become an old man started to scare me. Will I still be in contact with any of my friends? How long am I going to live? Will I be physically or mentally feeble? Do I want to live that long? How will I react when I look in the mirror and see an old version of my face and body? I'm such a perfectionist that it drives me crazy, especially because I wanted to do something creative with my life like music or writing. Doing either of those things is an immensely frustrating process for me. And what's the point if, someday, I won't be able to do it anymore anyway?

    I've been going for walks and drives every day, as if I'm running away and trying to distract my mind. I found this tunnel under the highway that had an empty bed in it, probably set up by some homeless person. The thought of having no connections, no pressures, and no possessions was appealing. That got me thinking more about just ending things so I didn't have any more anxiety or mental pain. For years, the thought of my little sister is what definitively kept me from doing anything to myself. Now that's she around the age of 10, I'm thinking she's old enough to cope, while young enough to recuperate quickly. I know I'll hurt her, but I think she will be okay. My brother is a few years younger than me and in a different state. He'll be fine.

    Frankly, though, I'm tired of worrying about other people so much, and I feel like I'm not being worried about enough. I want to take care of myself now, and I feel like, lacking any other way out, suicide is the most relieving thought. Just going to that tunnel under the highway during some warm afternoon and not living anymore. Not having to drag myself out of bed anymore, not missing the past, having to deal with neverending anxieties that my stupid, overthinking brain pummels me with, not having to fall in love with people I can't have, not having to spend my nights alone in my rented room and drowning out my thoughts with whatever distractions I can find, not walking around town aimlessly anymore, not worrying about getting older and dying, and not having to seek help from strangers online because I have nobody else to talk to. The thought of wiping all that away sounds so damn soothing.

    What if there's no afterlife? Maybe you die, and you cease to be conscious. How can anyone know? God's not leaving any signs that he's listening. It's a scary thought, but it also justifies things in my mind--if we're autonomous, cellular beings who live and die in cycles and that's it, what's the point of living it out if I've become aware that it's completely pointless? If somebody sees through the treadmill of reality, is it not reasonable for them to want to step out of it to avoid the inevitable discomfort?

    I haven't told my long-distance close friend yet. We chat every day, and I'm trying to find a way to tell her. She'll be coming back from lunch in half an hour.

    I told my moving friend about these thoughts, and he said he and his wife would miss me. He also said the therapists in this town suck. I don't know if he realizes that I'm not merely thinking about this stuff, but that I'm gaining joy from the thought of going through with it, and that I'm making fantasy plans about doing it because it's such a relief.

    I hate the thought of being one of these whiney, suicidal people. I know everything I'm thinking and saying has been said countless times before by others before me. I'm just another suicide risk. I hate the thought of taking meds or anything--I feel like I'm just too aware of life, not that there's some brain imbalance that can be tweaked with pills. I look around and see happy people, young and old, living their lives, and I wonder how they don't stand up, look around, and see the redundant, cyclic nature of everything and wonder what the point is. What is the point? Why keep doing this if it all ends anyway?

    My mind is loaded up with all these fears, questions, insecurities, and anxieties, and I want to end them, because I'm tired of it. Right now, the only thing I can do is distract myself at work by writing about it. But I know that the sun will go down, I'll leave work and head back to my room, I'll try to contact some friends but they'll be busy with their own lives, and I'll have to go through another lonely night with my thoughts as time passes me by.
  6. Righteous

    Righteous Well-Known Member

    I feel what you're saying. The thought of me killing myself also gives me relief.
    Because I know that once I kill myself, all of this pain and suffering will be over. I would feel completely miserable if I thought of living a depressed life 4 the rest of my life. But I am still holding on. I'm still waiting 2 see if a better day will come. If it doesn't come soon, then I maybe I will have 2 commit suicide.

    Even though my life isn't all that good right now, I still worship God. I mean come on bro, don't u feel that God will punish the cruel people in this world that makes life so depressing anyway. Also, if u decide 2 do kill yourself, u need to get right with God so u can have a better afterlife.

    I hope u get better.
  7. Toady

    Toady New Member

    I told her today. She made me feel better, told me she didn't want me to die and that I could hang out with her if I moved to her town. She said I could email her tonight. I knew that as soon as she went offline and I left work, the anxiety would return and I'd feel bad again, and I do. :( I'm tired of this.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.