The thought, the option

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Blank Stare, Dec 29, 2007.

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  1. Blank Stare

    Blank Stare Member

    I have only posted once (I think) on these boards but I've had something that's been bothering me for a while now and I need some advice. About six months ago I became very suicidal and if it weren't for some very loving people in my life, I would have probably gone through with it. Presently, I still think about suicide A LOT but it seems like that is all it is, a thought. A few days ago, on Christmas, I spent the whole day with my family playing games and enjoying their company. But for some reason I still had suicide on my mind the whole time. Because I'm not likely to act on these thoughts it doesn't seem like a big deal, right? But it does affect me. It makes me lethargic and sad. Whereas most people go from depression --> thoughts of suicide, for me it is the other way around. It's like by first considering suicide an option, I branded myself for life and now I can't get rid of the constant thoughts even if they go against my situation. How can I push these thoughts out of my head once and for all and leave them in the past? Thanks for reading and I'd appreciate any advice anyone has.

  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You don't have to be severely depressed to contemplate suicide. Maybe the depression is already there, but after the thoughts come the depressions seem to deepen. Make sure you do things to occupy tour mind and hold those feelings back. I know you can't do that 24/7 but as much as you can. Motivation and activation are important tools.
  3. Blank Stare

    Blank Stare Member

    Thank you for the advice. I try to fill my time as much as possible but there is always time left to myself, like right before I fall asleep. This is when my "bad" thoughts are at their worst. I'm going to try and make an effort to be around more people. Maybe it'll help.

  4. nedflanders

    nedflanders Well-Known Member

    I thought about suicide on the day I was married, the days my kids were born, the day I got my PhD, etc etc. So welcome to the club. :-/

    A friend of mine once dislocated his shoulder. After that, he found himself dislocating it more and more often. That is, the initial event damaged him in such a way that it took less stress on the joint to cause it to give. I suggest that the same kind of thing can happen psychiatrically. Depression can become a way of life, as it has for me.

    If I knew, I wouldn't be wasting my time at suicideforum. Sorry.
  5. lfdy

    lfdy Active Member

    hey, i was just reading your post. i was on earlier in a bit of a crisis myself and have since sobered up a bit and see things a bit clearer again for another while. i think once you cross the line and have suicidal feelings they never go away. it stays in the back of your mind forever. it is a daily battle for me. i started off depressed about 12 years ago and then i had my first suicidal thought a year later. and the more i toyed with the idea and thought about it the more i accepted it. the mind is so fragile. anyway i was thinking of you and have posted a poem i wrote many years ago which i hope might in some way comfort you to know that others know what you are going through. you know, just two hours ago people on this forum were telling me to hang on and giving me support, how every second of your life is so unpredictable. this forum has been a life saver for me. everyone is so kind and understanding. keep posting your thoughts. take care. lfdy.x

    The Only Healer is Time

    Green grass, blue skies,
    Birds soaring on high,
    I feel the warmth of the sun on my face.
    As the gentle breeze,
    Flows over sparkling seas,
    I know in my head, Mother Nature’s in this place.

    Though I can see with my eyes,
    What before me lies,
    I can’t feel it under my skin.
    There’s a cloud over me,
    That no one else can see,
    The dark valley is drawing me in.

    No matter how hard,
    I try to discard,
    The negative thoughts in my mind.
    I can’t see the rainbow,
    Because of the rain,
    Searching for something I just can’t find.

    I feel out of control,
    Something’s stabbing my soul,
    I want to give myself a good shake.
    It’s hard to keep smiling,
    When inside I’m crying,
    Putting on a brave face for other’s sake.

    Though I know it won’t last,
    And soon this cloud will pass,
    But while in its shadow I’m caught.
    I can’t see the light,
    There is no end in sight,
    Under its spell, I’m lost deep in thought.

    It’s hard to describe,
    How I feel inside,
    Others can’t know unless they’ve been there.
    But I can recognise,
    When I look in their eyes,
    And see the same shadow I share.

    Though through it all,
    I’ve learned to walk tall,
    And grow stronger with each passing day.
    Some things I can’t change,
    And in a way it sounds strange,
    But I’ve grown accustomed to being this way.

    So the only comfort I can give,
    Is to others who live,
    Under a grey cloud like mine.
    Love and support each other,
    Until the cloud passes over,
    Be patient, because the only healer is time.
  6. Blank Stare

    Blank Stare Member

    Thank you for sharing that beautiful (and most appropriate) poem with me, lfdy. I've taken its truth and honesty to heart and it has brought me great relief.

  7. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    B, I once had a psychiatrist actually "indulge" me on this for a moment. I told him something like, "well, I don't rule it out," expecting some grand solution or answer to my unhappiness.

    He surprised me. He said, "Well, it's always an option and you can take some comfort in that. You can always opt out and it's entirely up to you whether you want to live."


    This was one smart dude. I was speechless in return and could only acknowledge the truth in his statement.

    Essentially, in the absence of the belief in a god, it is on us to find meaning and purpose for living. Yet, it is in no way a sure thing. We can opt out. Now--and this is important--the mere fact that that scares me is evidence that I want to live and either find meaning and purpose or CREATE same.

    "I want to LIVE, goddamnit," in other words. I'll create a meaning or find a purpose, if need be. But it seems unnatural and a total waste of experience (opportunity) to just throw it ALL away.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 31, 2007
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