The Thoughts Are Returning

I am sick of not being listened to. Bloody Psychiatrists....I wont explain in detail as I have written all in my blog. But it's really pissed me off.

I tried to explain today that I had thoughts other than self harm. That I had constant thoughts of suicide and I was cut off.

So what's the point?

I know that if I could be given a method that is certain would work and would look like an accident I would take it. I have a few conditions...
1- That no one else can think they were to blame - so no getting run over
2 - That is wont cause me any pain or make me sick. As soon as I start being sick I panic and get help.
3 - It has to look accidental - it would save my family more pain.
4 - It has to definitly work. No possibilities of leaving me disabled etc.
5 - A non violent method. Not on my part. So I couldn't jump off a bridge or tall building. And it's not as though I can get accidently shot when there is hardly any gun crime where I live and I have never seen a gun.

I think that's it. I am pissed off at feeling the way I do and the cycles I go through all the time. I don't want a life like this.

 

:hug: Your psychiatrist seems like a fucking idiot. Can you get a new one? Hang in there and know that we wouldn't ever cut you off or ignore you like they did.

 

I really think you should submit a written statement for some of your appointments - I mean, you write so clearly and express things in a manner that leaves little doubt.

If a psychiatrist could not deal with that rather than some nerve-wracking meeting then I'm amazed. After all if were looking at someone trying to explain about a condition then a written submission from the person ought to be enough.

You keep coming back to this one Golden Psych - the accidental death. My worry is someone as clever as yourself might work something out. In some of my work in the past I'm surrounded by dangerous situations which could give me that 'cover'. I worked at heights, sometimes dangling a few hundred foot up in the air. Not that I was suicidal then or now. There's something about dangling a few hundred feet in the air that kind of brings a peace of mind. In a small way you accept your own fragility in the scheme of things - the butterflies are in the stomach but after a while you either like it or are clinging onto the ropes in sheer terror!

If the line broke, it would be sheer terror. I got stuck once, very high up, having foolishly worked alone on a night shift. I kicked the walls in to escape. Anyone who falls or jumps has a long time to consider what is happening. Time seems to slow down - and I'm sure a lot of people who have fallen to their deaths have had time to regret it.

Its like you say with sickness - you feel sickness and call for help. This means that no matter how much you wanted to die - when the process kicks in you want out of it. For the very sick death is a comfort - but if your sickness is in the mind, the danger is that you'd feel more alive when dying - that fight or flight syndrome at its ultimate gives a clarity of mind. I think that clarity would involve regret, a wish to go back and start again.

Like the movie 'A wonderful life' only we don't get an angel to save us when we fall or a chance to start again in this world. I love that movie - please watch it if you feel down!

I just feel like dying sometimes. Your at the point beyond that in which you feel like it but are planning it also. Not only that - your almost trying to be polite about it, considerate and looking for a way to die without people thinking it was by your own hand.

I'd take that seriously myself - I do take it serious and hope and pray you do not do this.

The other alternative is for you to be able to have some kinda life in which your loved ones can feel at ease about you and you feel at ease with yourself. Everyone wants that.

I want all the people I love to have a good life - to be happy above all but to be caring also and considerate to others. Even people I do not know like yourself, I feel a connection, your a human being who is going through a difficult time struggling with mental illness and doubtless not feeling great with the drugs you have to take.

On that issue, I notice you use Ibuprofen and paracetamol, both these drugs have been in a study relating to reactions with SSRI drugs, perhaps other drugs also.

Maybe worth a look at.

I just hope you get the help you need and a psychiatrist who can just read what you have to say. You are an excellent writer and I should think your talents would be well suited towards writing a novel, perhaps a play or screenplay. Then you could pay for the pick of psychiatrists - and yes, it makes a big difference as you can shop around, take one appointment as a tester. With the NHS, God knows who you get - some are good, but I think they get moody if you want to pick one you actually get on with!

I'm not just saying that about your talent - you really do have a talent - or one that stands out as soon as you read your blog. You have many other talents also and I really hope this year finds you in a position whereby you feel more at ease with yourself and are not going through some ideation about ending life, but maybe idealising how you can go forward and live.

Maybe you'd make a better psychiatrist also.

Don't waste that talent thinking you have none and have nothing to offer this often broken world.

My regards.