Death it's a word that floats in my head. Death. What could be so bad that that is the only option. I sit here every day wondering is today the day that I get the strength. The strength to say I have tried my hardest and that wasn't good enough. Is today the day that I say I can't try any harder for that would be the death of me. Is today the day that I say it's over, I'm done. I don't know when that day will come but I know it is near. Each person I talk to says the same thing, it will get better, this it's only temporary. Take it day by day. Day after day it just gets worse. The feeling the thoughts the attitude. It all is closing in on me. They say that when you die your whole life flashes in front of you, what I would give to see the good parts of my life one last time. My mind is filled with the negative the hard to swallow facts the dread of continuing on. I fight back every day trying to believe what others say. I try to fight back and defeat the beast that is my mind. I try and fight back to win the battle but each time I lose a life just like in the video games. How many lives does one person carry in their pocket? How many lives can be given away to fight this mental battle? When does one say this is my last life and it is all I have left let me die in peace and quiet. Let me whither away into nothingness for I am nothing I will never be anything. Are there people that care? Are there ones that live me for me? Can people truly say they love me even when I don't love myself? What does it take to live yourself? Do you have to stop worrying about what others say? Do you have to drop the mask that hides the truth? How do you accept yourself when all you see is a shattered mirror reflecting back the enemy? Is it too much to ask to be that perfect person that one you look up to that one that is so confident? Is it too much to ask to not have to fight every day just to keep your head above water? They say it gets easier. They say this will pass. When? How? Will it stay away forever? I know those answers but yet they elude me. They keep me guessing with each battle that I face. I know deep down that it will get better but when I think about that I think to six months later and realize that it all came crashing back down. I was right back where I started. Why me? I ask. Why does it have to be me that faces these struggles with each new phase of life? What did I do to deserve a life filled with so much pain? I sit here each day thinking this could be it. This could be the day that I throw in the towel. What is left to fight for? I will never be anything that has importance. I go through each day just doing the motions because what does it matter I won't be here very much longer anyways. That begs the question why do I tell people I will do things for them, babysit, schedule appointments with them. Why do I fight? Why do I keep this struggle going? I so tired and ready to leave. Run away from the problems, the big black bear that never stops chasing me. My body is fatigued. My mind is mush. My thoughts are dragging me down but yet there is something in me that says don't quit. There is something in me that says you have more to give. I don't believe it but my body is in auto pilot. I can't control it. I can't control the emotions the positives the negatives I can't control anything. Maybe one day that fight will leave and I will just be gone. One can hope that it is fast and painless. One can hope that people just forget. One can hope that there isn't pain for anyone. I know it is not true and maybe that is why I am still here, maybe that is why I fight. I too kind of a person to hurt those around me but when do I have to put myself first? When does the mask of happiness come off and the truth comes out? When will the end come? Will I know it's the end? Will I know it's time? Will it be an epiphany or will it be thought out. A fight has a beginning when both sides are strong and ready to fight then a middle when that first punch is thrown catching the other side off guard and then the end when a winner is announced. I am caught off guard and losing a fight to a much stronger competitor. The bets have been placed and all bets are on the other guy. It will not be me that's the winner it never is. Even if I get one punch in ten more follow knocking me down down down. Even further than I myself could knock me down. My teeth are gone my nose is broken my knuckles are bloody. I put up a good fight but it is over the fight has been lost. It's over. No amount of recovery will help this much beat up human. No amount of help and training will make it win the next fight. Why even put in the effort when you already know the outcome. Slowly each day I will gather more strength more strength to know the truth know that my time here is done my time here is over. Each day will be a new day to figure out how and when. I have tried to fight back with all my might but he fight is over. It is all over. It is not worth the effort to try and get better just to face the same excruciating pain next time. I am tired and done. Don't try and help me. Don't waste your time.