I am done just existing. I have not been right since my parents divorce. I witnessed my mother being unfaithful, I had a feeling something wasn't right and I drove to her work and waited. She got off the shuttle and stepped into another man's car and caressed/kissed him. Right then I lost my innocence, my rock, my mother, my sanity, my idea of trust. She was still married. I called her and she denied what I saw and still almost ten years later she denies what I saw and when I saw it. The man she ended her 25 year marriage with was a scam artist, who only wanted the funds she would get through a divorce her schemed up to happen(found out through Dad's P.I. many months after). I left my house at 18 for Auto Tech institute and came back to a whole new world, Mom sold all my childhood belongings, and auctioned everything else. The house I lived/loved was no longer ours, I never stepped foot into it again after that day. My father was verbally/physically abusive(think I deserved it) and worked long hours, he was asked to discipline us three kids when he got home and was too tired, drunk to keep his anger in check. I live a life of solitude all throughout highschool/college and still but managed to get through. I had went through a terrible relationship myself during 2 years at tech college, being loved/cherished, then humiliated, cheated on, made to feel like scum, everyone I knew turned against me. I was terribly home sick, but back at home everything was falling apart anyways. I have slowly backed away from friends, family that I love. I now spend my days taking care of my 2 year old daughter and working part time. I am self-loathing, unconfident, pot smoker for 8 years everyday. Never had issues with any other drugs, besides the occasional drunk day. I am not interested in anything that used to make me happy. I am scared to make long term goals because of my dwindling health. I have not had health insurance for myself for financial reasons. I believe I have a hernia, that has cause slowing/blockage, and pinching nerves in my leg. Now my whole right side of my body is numb, throbbing, needle like pains. I have been in excruciating pain for 6 years. Every year I make a run at getting a proper diagnosis, and they fail to narrow down my problem, bills start coming in and I have to pay them, therefore I stop proceeding with help. Last two years now, I no longer want help. I have self medicated with pot to allow me to eat and get some work done. But I can't keep fighting. 10 years gone, and nothing to show. Stopped paying credit cards bills 2 months ago of $15K, companies calling everyday. Drowning in sadness, pain, debt, and depression. I am not asking for help from you guys/gals here or anyone close to me. They have full functioning lives, that I would only disrupt. I just ended it with my SO/daughter's mom, so she won't be verbally abused and I burdening her with my problems. Here I am, all alone again. Obviously more going on with me than this, but this is all I can type right now without soaking my keyboard. I want to kill myself, just dont have the balls to.