the thoughts just get stronger

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rafedial1, Sep 7, 2013.

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  1. Rafedial1

    Rafedial1 New Member

    I am done just existing. I have not been right since my parents divorce. I witnessed my mother being unfaithful, I had a feeling something wasn't right and I drove to her work and waited. She got off the shuttle and stepped into another man's car and caressed/kissed him. Right then I lost my innocence, my rock, my mother, my sanity, my idea of trust. She was still married. I called her and she denied what I saw and still almost ten years later she denies what I saw and when I saw it. The man she ended her 25 year marriage with was a scam artist, who only wanted the funds she would get through a divorce her schemed up to happen(found out through Dad's P.I. many months after). I left my house at 18 for Auto Tech institute and came back to a whole new world, Mom sold all my childhood belongings, and auctioned everything else. The house I lived/loved was no longer ours, I never stepped foot into it again after that day. My father was verbally/physically abusive(think I deserved it) and worked long hours, he was asked to discipline us three kids when he got home and was too tired, drunk to keep his anger in check. I live a life of solitude all throughout highschool/college and still but managed to get through. I had went through a terrible relationship myself during 2 years at tech college, being loved/cherished, then humiliated, cheated on, made to feel like scum, everyone I knew turned against me. I was terribly home sick, but back at home everything was falling apart anyways. I have slowly backed away from friends, family that I love. I now spend my days taking care of my 2 year old daughter and working part time. I am self-loathing, unconfident, pot smoker for 8 years everyday. Never had issues with any other drugs, besides the occasional drunk day. I am not interested in anything that used to make me happy. I am scared to make long term goals because of my dwindling health. I have not had health insurance for myself for financial reasons. I believe I have a hernia, that has cause slowing/blockage, and pinching nerves in my leg. Now my whole right side of my body is numb, throbbing, needle like pains. I have been in excruciating pain for 6 years. Every year I make a run at getting a proper diagnosis, and they fail to narrow down my problem, bills start coming in and I have to pay them, therefore I stop proceeding with help. Last two years now, I no longer want help. I have self medicated with pot to allow me to eat and get some work done. But I can't keep fighting. 10 years gone, and nothing to show. Stopped paying credit cards bills 2 months ago of $15K, companies calling everyday. Drowning in sadness, pain, debt, and depression. I am not asking for help from you guys/gals here or anyone close to me. They have full functioning lives, that I would only disrupt. I just ended it with my SO/daughter's mom, so she won't be verbally abused and I burdening her with my problems. Here I am, all alone again. Obviously more going on with me than this, but this is all I can type right now without soaking my keyboard. I want to kill myself, just dont have the balls to.
  2. dzda52511

    dzda52511 Member

    you have to stay strong listen to yourself, you have a daughter to love, cherish and nurture. That should be enough to want to live rite there, i understand the pain your going through and reading your post shows your struggle as well.. but you have to keep your head clear of the negative thoughts and count your blessings even if their as small as having a refreshing drink after how thirsty you were, or seeing your daughter smile and being able to tuck her into bed for the night.. YOUR better than that and you have to believe in yourself even if the black abyss is never ending.. your still here aren't you? show's your determination as an adult. As for drowning in your sadness, pain and debt and depression, i have a strong opinion towards. First of all i struggle with depression as well and i understand the days where your awake and you just question why and why you have to be forced to participate in every day life, as if feeling this bad isn't enough.. but you have to keep strong and remain with your head held up.. you can do anything as long as you tell yourself you can, i promise thing will get better but you have to allow them and be able to move towards bigger and better things for yourself, your future and as life lessons.... as for your health you need to get evaluated for depression and figure out what is wrong with you, money is money and no one will ever have enough but your health should be a main priority, find health insurance, try do anything but don't remain to stay there hurting..
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry hun you have suffered so You reach out now hun for support you talk to your doctor and you get the meds the therapy you need to heal ok emotionally
    NO one can take the love your daughter has for you hun you hold on to her ok she will need her father i lost mine and i know how devastated she would be to lose hers
    You go to hospital you talk to your doctor and you move forward little steps at a time but you move forward hugs
  4. Rafedial1

    Rafedial1 New Member

    To those who posted above me, thank you. From my heart it helps to know someone is trying to answer my call for help.

    Here I am again. I have fallen into the wake of abundant ignorance. I try to keep myself from drowning, but I feel I will never reach the surface. I am surrounded by those who have no time to care. I wallow in the underlying reasons we are all so unhealthy, unhappy, and unsatisfied. I have a fascination with things that cause us all harm. I seek the truth to the point I scare myself. I can not bring myself to think of anything but negative. It calms me to know the source of suffering. I want out of this life. I refuse to exist around those who will ignore anything.

    If only people had known of the great things I have built. Hopefully they will withstand the test of timeā€¦
  5. mechanic

    mechanic Member

    I think your daughter will appreciate having a rock, the rock your mother never was. you sound like the kind of good person this world needs.
  6. Rafedial1

    Rafedial1 New Member

    Thank you mechanic. I thought I would update this post...

    I have not smoked cannabis since September 3rd. As a daily smoker for 8 years, this is the longest I have ever gone clean. I went through some mild withdrawal symptoms. These include: wild/crazy knightmares, caughing up tar/gunk from my lungs, suicidal thoughts stronger than any had before, feelings of hopelessness(as written about here during my withdrawal). Some anger and a few panic situations.

    Many great things have come from this: more positivity, clearer thoughts, a sharper mind, more well connected thoughts, complete and well formed. Positive outlook on my future, less fear of talking to people. I am also less critical of myself. I am interacting educationally with my daughter. I wanted to keep this mission secret to family and friends until I knew I had it beat. Word got out early about my success so far and they are very proud of me! I feel human again, less zombie like, just going through the emotions. I was smoking cannabis that was strong! I realize it was too strong and it was making my heart palpitate, my mind panic. My body/mind had been telling me to quit for a long time. For the first time in a while, I am actually proud of myself. Thank You my friend Matt for telling me about his personal bad/panic situations when he smoked cannabis that was too strong. You convinced me I don't need this.

    As soon as my blood is clear of THC/CBD, I plan to buff up my resume and find my dream job! Wish me luck...
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