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The thoughts resurfaced

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Longshot, Mar 12, 2009.

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  1. Longshot

    Longshot Active Member

    I'm not sure how to write this.
    Again, I was determined, and again, I feel stupid after coming down. I had such a wonderful three days ahead of me...

    But let me first draw the picture, how my life is looking right now. I have seen my doctor a couple of times, and he says I suffer from moderate to heavy depression. I have more or less given up on my studies. I haven't attended a tenth of this semester's lectures, and exams are coming up. I won't even be able to do a halfassed attempt at these, since I've exceeded the allowed absence. I have a debt that totals 30000 danish kroner. It's not that much, in the larger scale of things, but to me, a poor student, it is.
    I can't tell my parents. My mother and stepdad will be dissapointed to no ends. It will just be another proof that I am all those things they've always said. Lazy with studies, impossible with money, and completely irresponsible.
    My father will be heartbroken, and he has so much stress in his life, that I couldn't possibly do this to him.
    I have pushed family and friends away, since I haven't been able to maintain contact. One of my friends just returned from Australia - I haven't seen him in 6 months, and now he's been home for a month, and I haven't made any attempts to return his interest in meeting up, or even just texting together.
    So that's it. I've made a very big mess of my life. Bigger messes have been seen, but that does nothing to asuage my dissapointment in myself. I hate myself for this, in a way, and I hate myself for not caring more - most days are spend doing nothing at all. I just sit here at home, all day, doing nothing, oredering takeaway because I can't even get out of bed to buy some foodstuffs. The apartment is a mess.

    Tonight, I was gonna visit a girl, who has been more or less one of my best friends of late. We spend a lot of time together, and while I'm not always being very light and chatty, she always takes care of me, and I feel at peace when I'm with her. There's no pressure; when I visit her, we can do whatever. We can do different stuff for anhour, not saying a word to wachother, but somehow, it's okay.
    I was gonna see her tonight. We are going to a concert tomorrow, and I have to go for a long trainjourney Saturday, so the plan was that I come to her tonight, and stay until Saturday morning. We were supposed to satay up all night, watching Heroes and eating popcorn. And I was so looking forward to it. But still, I can't find the strenght to leave my house. When I finally do, half an hour later than I should, I miss the bus. I start walking to the nearest bus hub, in the hopes that there might be a bus leaving from there soon; it's a 15 minute walk, and it would be 30 before another bus came at my stop. So I'm walking and texting apologies, and she says that someone else is gonna spend the night too. And that just takes the last ounce of strenght I had. I don't know... Maybe it's the knowledge that it's not gonna be peaceful, the way I needed it right now, since I was pretty down. So I ask her if it'd be easier if I stayed at home. And she says I can come if I want to. By this time, I reach the bushub, not knowing what to do. So I sit down. A bus drives by. Then another. And I give up. I walk home, and text her I'm sorry, but I'll stay home then, since I thought we were gonna do an allnighter(which was the plan, but that changed when this new person had to come over). And she texts "okay, see ya tomorrow".

    I walk home, and I'm listetning to some slow, emotional music. And it comes again. That dark force, that starts filling you up, like an ugly entity that takes hold of me, and I know, I just know, that when I go home, I'm gonne look for those razorblades I know I have in one the unpacked cardboardboxes.
    It's another 15 minutes, and I shuffle along here, just about midnight, both anticipating and dreading the moment when I get home.

    When I get home, I sit down on my couch, still wearing my coat. I just sit there, staring at the ceiling for what seems like ages. And I calm down, luckily. The fear of pain outweights the dark presence.

    But when I get to my computer, it all starts again... The googling for methods, the irational thoughts that seems to have their own life. A completely numb determination.

    I've managed to push them away now, though, and I feel so sad. I feel like I'm trapped in a mess, and I can't even take the easy exit, because I am so scared that I'll fail.

    I don't WANT to end it, but it's like this other me is getting more and mroe persistent in telling me it's the only way. It's like the only thing that keeps me from having a complete breakdown is this little innervoice that tells me that I shouldn't worry, I'm gonna kill myself soon anyway. And it's so god damn scary and otherwordly. It's always there, and sometimes, like tonight or that saturday that prompted my first post in this part of the boards, it grows greatly in strenght, and starts taking ove rmy actions.

    I don't WANT to die. But it's like it's all there is, like it's the core of my reality, the very prospect that ties my world together.

    I'm dying socially. And I fear that some day soon, the dark presence proves too strong.

    I am sorry for the long post, and perhaps uneccesarry details. But getting this out of the system is one way of disspelling these thoughs for some time.
  2. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    it looks like u are in a lot of pain right now, but have u ever thought about being away from the computer and more time outside?

    sometimes our pcs can introduce us in a world full of dispair and u might miss the little bird learning how to fly.

    if u dont want to die, then dont, nobody will ever push you to it, and if somebody does, it deserves hell my friend-

    it looks to me u are losing your will, and thats exacly what u should talk about with your doc..

    anyway we`re all here for you. a pm away :D
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Anything that you have done about school and finances can be fixed...social interactions can be rekindled...the most critical aspect of what you have written seem to be how you are perceiving what is going on and your relationship to it...has your MD prescribed medication??? are you seeing someone you can talk to??? Please know that there are many ppl here who truly understand...please share with us...big hugs, J
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