The thoughts are returning. After a break for a few days, dealing with other things, I find my mind now wandering down this dark road again. Because of some things I can't do much, physically, right now and that is dragging me down. The outdoors for me is calming and restorative to a point. I can certainly sit and enjoy but I can't do anything. Its very frustrating and I'm not even a week into healing. There are upcoming tests for my sig other next week and of course they are on my mind. I try not to think too much, but I don't succeed, knowing what the future holds for them. I feel bad with all they are going through and now I can't look after them too well for a while. Its a lot of pressure. It also makes me sad, there have been some tears the last few days with my pain yet being comforted seems out of the question. Its not that the tears are there for that reason, it just hurts when I've really given all I can for the last while looking after them. Its like another thing that makes me question our r'ship. The easy thing, if I were serious here and now, would be to remove the restraining device that I have to wear for healing and just go run or fall over or do someting similar. That would probably result in enough terminal damage. I find myself struggling with the pain meds, trying not to take and trying to be strong and coherent but also liking the feeling of floating and of not caring that they give me. Ultimately over the coming weeks things will get tougher. I will become harder on myself, more frustrated and more sad. I know somehow I need to heal asap so I can take care of the other person, that worries me too. If something happens, how can I do this? How can I let them down in that manner? So, back to the thoughts. The best way is for me to keep busy and now I can't. I try to read yet my mind finds it hard to concentrate. I find it difficult and uncomfortable to type very much, to paint, to take photos - things I could do which would sooth me a little. Im sorry, I don't know what my point is. Feeling pretty alone with all of this. I had informed several folks irl this is what was going on with me and not one has called or contacted me to see how thing went or if we needed help etc. It saddens me, but bothers me more as yet again I let my guard down and begin to trust and when I need folks, they are not there, they simply don't care. I am tired. How wonderful it would be to have no cares or just not to care so much about peole and things. I await the day when its only me and then my actions will not affect anyone, just myself. I question myself how serious I am about all of this, if the thoughts are there, isn't that enough to show some signs of thoughtfulness? Of wishing, dreaming and longing for an escape?