The Thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Aug 30, 2011.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    The thoughts are returning. After a break for a few days, dealing with other things, I find my mind now wandering down this dark road again.

    Because of some things I can't do much, physically, right now and that is dragging me down. The outdoors for me is calming and restorative to a point. I can certainly sit and enjoy but I can't do anything. Its very frustrating and I'm not even a week into healing.

    There are upcoming tests for my sig other next week and of course they are on my mind. I try not to think too much, but I don't succeed, knowing what the future holds for them. I feel bad with all they are going through and now I can't look after them too well for a while. Its a lot of pressure.

    It also makes me sad, there have been some tears the last few days with my pain yet being comforted seems out of the question. Its not that the tears are there for that reason, it just hurts when I've really given all I can for the last while looking after them. Its like another thing that makes me question our r'ship.

    The easy thing, if I were serious here and now, would be to remove the restraining device that I have to wear for healing and just go run or fall over or do someting similar. That would probably result in enough terminal damage.

    I find myself struggling with the pain meds, trying not to take and trying to be strong and coherent but also liking the feeling of floating and of not caring that they give me.

    Ultimately over the coming weeks things will get tougher. I will become harder on myself, more frustrated and more sad. I know somehow I need to heal asap so I can take care of the other person, that worries me too. If something happens, how can I do this? How can I let them down in that manner?

    So, back to the thoughts. The best way is for me to keep busy and now I can't. I try to read yet my mind finds it hard to concentrate. I find it difficult and uncomfortable to type very much, to paint, to take photos - things I could do which would sooth me a little.

    Im sorry, I don't know what my point is. Feeling pretty alone with all of this. I had informed several folks irl this is what was going on with me and not one has called or contacted me to see how thing went or if we needed help etc. It saddens me, but bothers me more as yet again I let my guard down and begin to trust and when I need folks, they are not there, they simply don't care.

    I am tired. How wonderful it would be to have no cares or just not to care so much about peole and things. I await the day when its only me and then my actions will not affect anyone, just myself.

    I question myself how serious I am about all of this, if the thoughts are there, isn't that enough to show some signs of thoughtfulness? Of wishing, dreaming and longing for an escape?
     
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Mo,
    I am sorry things are so tough right now. Really sorry. I made a big mistake after surgery. I did too much. And I will pay for it physcally for the rest of my life with limitations. I got adhesions from pushing my body too much. I did not take good enough care of it. The adhesions restrict me now. So I would not wish that on you.

    The other thing is that when the adhesions started to grow it significantly slowed down my healing. Led to many more trips to the doctor. I hope that you can just take care of yourself. Because the decision to do so will mean that you can be there for your sig other more fully in the months to come. choose you now. So you can be phsycally able to choose your sig other much more fully in the months to come. I am here to tell you that not taking care of oneself after surgery leads to what no one would want.

    I wish there was something you could do sitting down that would not cause a strain on your body. I am sorry there is so much pain. And I am very sorry that people who you thought might be supportive irl are not stepping up to the plate. Just know that the fastest way to healing is to take care of your body the way it is recommended by the medical people. :arms: :hugtackles: I wish I had more constructive things to offer :rose:
     
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Flowers

    thank you, sincerely.

    It all really doesn't matter, you know? :cry: But thanks. You please take care of yourself, you're one special soul - as i've said before.
     
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Mo, I know it feels like it doesnt matter. But it matters to me. I am sorry you are in so much pain. And that does matter to me. Just find a way to get through this time. Please. A way that does not further injure yourself. I know you think it doesnt matter. But that does matter to me. Yes it does :hug:
     
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Mo,
    You know you can always lean on me...I know there is alot you haven't told me...Thats o.k. i'm just glad you trust me enough to talk about the things you have told me,,You want to be careful on the pain meds they are addictive.. Like I told you I was on them for eight years and was takeing 40 miligrams at a time...I just want you well..I know your bored because you are very active.,,Being stuckin a chair doesn't help..Maybe do like I said and take a slkow walk down the road.Your a very good friend and I don't want anything to happen to hamper your healing.. Hugs, Joseph
     
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you both.

    I'm sorry for the whining.
     
  7. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    You arent whining. You are in very real emotional and physical pain. Theres a big difference between that and whining :hugtackles:
     
  8. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    Mo, I think I get what you are saying. It's like this nagging frustration that won't go away. You want to know people are there for you but you don't want to feel like they feel like they need to be there. You want them to want to be there. Then on the other hand you feel as if none of it really matters because you think you will always be messed, things will always be messed up, and you feel trapped. Sometimes you feel like you want to speak up and yell out for someone to come to help you, for someone to save you, but you are worried people will think you are a drama queen....

    If I am anywhere near close I will say that we all need to know that we matter not out of obligation, but out of genuine love that goes beyond concern.

    We all care for you and hope for the best for you and we do so not because you are a fellow SF member. We care because you are MO. You are uniquely irreplaceable. :hug:
     
  9. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Julia

    Thanks. I read your words, but I can't believe them. You're pretty close in your thoughts, though.

    I'm tired of me, of my thoughts, of all of "this" and I'm tired of being tired.
     
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