The tide came in & swept me up.

Juggling anger, depression, and lonilness. It's a balancing act that takes all my attention. I maybe quiet by nature but it's just me concentrating on not letting all these thing drop. I don't have enough energy to go through all these "emotions" at once so I cycle through them. Depression is the easiest to deal with. You can hide it. I can seem to have everything together on the outside but behind my eyes the wheels are turning. They're screaming EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY! YOU ARE NOT OKAY. I have to constantly remind myself not to forfeit. Don't give up. You are stronger than this. You are lovable. You are enough. It's difficult to be strong but isn't it better to say you were able to live another day? Maybe even another hour. Anger and loneliness usually visits me at night. I can be angry then lonely. Or lonely then angry. It's never just one emotion at night. It's both. Sometimes, lately, when I lose concentration I feel all three at once. I don't know what to do when I drop the ball, so I just cry. Cry for the ugly, lonely, angry, depressed me. Cry for the things I couldn't change. Grieve for the terrible things that have happened. I've been wailing for the past week now. Snot running down my face, hyperventilating, red eyed crying. I haven't felt this lost in a long time. I feel vulnerable like the Child me when I was in foster care. Recently my roommate and I got into a huge argument and he moved out. I don't know how I am going to pay for rent, my car, and my bills. Nor feed myself all on a min wage paycheck. It's so much nicer when you have someone there helping you pay for half. Even if the other person is a sociopathic narcissist. It beats feeling like you're drowning. I've been in a constant state of anxiety because of this. Fight or flight is always on my mind and I have always chose to run. All I want to do is run from this reality.

 

I'm sorry you've ended up in this situation. *big warm hugs*
I hope you can find a better roommate soon to help you pay the bills, are you seeking one at the meeting? Money can mess you up, I know that... but it doesn't have to be the end of the world. Ask for help where you can!

You are welcome to message me if you need someone to rant to or get some support from when you feel low.