the time is coming fast and im not ready

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cetiya, Jan 30, 2014.

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  1. cetiya

    cetiya Member

    i am about to get fired and if i do, its all over for me. i will be in a downward spin i wont be able to recover from. last year when my best friend was still alive, i know if i had been fired i could live with her and not be homeless. now shes dead and i'm all alone with no help. i tried to get a second job a few months ago and i didnt get one call so i know i'll end up homeless. i wont be able to live in my car cos it will be repossessed. i wont even be able to look for a job, i wont be able to pay for my cell phone. i'll lose all my belongings cos i dont have the money for a storage shed. it will snowball into a horrible nightmare. i have a certain method that will be 100 % for sure but i'm scared. i'm not even really suicidal, but i have no other options, i'm not going to live under a bridge. i have no money even for one more month of rent. so i only have a few weeks. i wish i knew if there was life after death, i dont believe it though. the worst part of this is my two furbabies. i see their innocent, trusting faces and cant believe i have to put them to sleep first, i have noone to care for them and they are too old anyway. i'll probably write here one last time the day i choose to kill myself. i'm so scared. and alone. i wish i had a more peaceful way to do it but they arent always reliable and i cant fail at this.
  2. jms

    jms Banned Member

    Cetiya, let me first say that I'm terribly sorry you're in this position right now. I know how difficult it is as I've also been in your position. Have you considered looking into unemployment should you actually get fired? And there is always the public library for computer use in search of a job. There are always resources..sometimes we just have to dig a little deeper to find them. If there are no family/friends you could stay with, I'd recommend possibly looking in to a shelter. And if you are to the point that you feel you're going to attempt soon, I'd highly recommend seeking professional help (ER/A&E) before you get that far. I know at one point, I went in the hospital and was going to be homeless upon discharge. The staff assisted me in finding a place to stay, at a halfway house. Perhaps something like that is also available in your area! Please, please hang on..there is hope! It doesn't all have to be bad. I know that with the depression, it's very difficult to see the tiny bit of light, but it's there, and I'm willing to help guide you as much as possible. My PM is always open. Meanwhile, try to take care of yourself!
  3. cetiya

    cetiya Member

    i wouldnt be able to get unemployment because i messed up and its my fault if i get fired. i doubt i could get into a shelter, there are many people who want to get in and not enough beds. and what about my cats? i would have to deal with them no matter what, and i would be heart sick if i killed them and i survived. its just snowballing out of control and will get worse and worse. i feel as if i'm in a black pit of hell. noone will want to hire me if i get fired from this job, 9 years ago i got fired from my job then too. i suck at life. but before i go, everyone at work will know what happened to me. some people care about me here. they wouldnt help me but they will care when i'm gone.
  4. cetiya

    cetiya Member

    i'm strangely resigned to the fact that i will probably be dead in weeks. i'm still terrified and cant make up my mind how to do it, but other than the fact i have to off my kitties, i'm not too upset. but killing my cats will be horrible.
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Cetiya. I'm sorry things are hard for you right now. If you do lose your job, does your area's social assistance program provide emergency cash? Some do. Some also offer assistance for getting into a shelter, although I understand that having cats presents an issue. Perhaps you could look into what help IS available to you before deciding that suicide is the answer. Many social assistance income programs also offer job seeking assistance.

    Keep talking to us here if you need to vent.

    Losing a job can be awful. On the more hopeful side, it can sometimes let us move on to a job with a better environment and a better fit for our experience and skills.

    Yes, it's scary. It would be for anyone. If you have had a job in the past, you are well on your way to being able to find another one. Please look for the help that the public agencies might offer you before you decide that all is lost. I think you have things to offer the world - give yourself the chance to do that. Please stay safe! All the best to you! :hug:
  6. cetiya

    cetiya Member

    I'm not a young person anymore. I've been doing the same job for 22 years andim good at it but its very stressful and I get stressed out sometimes. Ill never get hired again after being fired from my last two jobs even if it has been nine years in between. Id lose all my family heirlooms. The shelters have long waiting lists and after killing my cats, it will be too hard to go on. I've been researching ways and forcing myself to not be afraid to handle my method. It sucks, my best friend who lives 2000 miles away has all sorts of money but I can't even tell her how I'm feeling. She's been listening to me be suicidal all my life and has made it clear she doesn't want to deal with me when I am. Besides, what could I say, help me or ill kill myself?? That'll go over real good. I'm deciding what belongings I'm going to send to her, and who to notify of my passing. On ce I'm dead it wont matter what happens to my stuff. Gotta throw away my porn stache!! Don't want my landlord to see that! I'm still uncertain how I will do it but if I have the guts, I do have a way that will be certain. I feel so alone and desperate. With the death of kathy, I have noone in my state that can help me. My girl kitty is sitting here not lnowing I'm planning her death. What a bad mom I am, what a bad employee I am, what a useless human being I am.
  7. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    there are many jobs.
    maybe not in sphere you want, but there are jobs. don't give up just 'cause some place didn't reply.
    no need to die
  8. mark b

    mark b Well-Known Member

    So sorry you are feeling like this.

    You are only looking at the worst case. Do please make enquirees about the options fir you. Shelters, churhes, your friend who you confided in.

    Tell landlord. Advance warning that funds will be tight will give him less surprise than you just not paying him

    There are more jobs than you may think.
  9. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    If your best friend does not want to extend her hands to pull to off the pits when she is capable of doing it, I wonder what kind of best friend she is.

    You sound like a very lovable person, have you wonder what is the problem that caused you to get fired?
  10. cetiya

    cetiya Member

    I don't feel like I can reach out to my bff. We've lnown each other since we were 11. I've reached out to her a couple. Ttimes whem I was suicidal and she doesn't want to hear it. I'm not going to force her into helping me. It would be difficult. For me to find another jobthat I've been doing for the same money, much less find one snd start on the next two weeks so I can pay my rent next month. I have no money, savings or retirement so I'm pretty much screwed.
  11. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    it appears you're running short on options so going to the friend would be beneficial
  12. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Is there social assistance in your country? This is the kind of situation that might meet their eligibility criteria for fast help. It's worth making some calls or going in person to the nearest office to find out. Yes, you feel very scared - almost everyone would in the same situation. (I'd be terrified.) The hardest thing to do is what we need to do in such situations, and that is to move on and try to make a bad situation at least "survivable" for the time being.

    Please, push through the fear and see what options there could be to make things at least manageable for now. Down the road, you could start thinking about improving things and getting back to your old level, but right now, perhaps focussing on survival so you can get to place where you can improve things...

    You've put a lot of effort, skill and time into your life, it seems. It would be sad to have you just give up after so much. Please don't give up on yourself. You have a whole website of folks here who would like you to succeed. I know I would like that for you! :hug:
  13. cetiya

    cetiya Member

    losing my cats and all my belongings will make it hard to continue mentally. the real issue here is i have no hope for the future. ive already tried to get a job a few months ago and didnt get a single call. so its hard to believe that will change especially if i get fired. its freaky, i'm not really depressed and i dont hate life at the moment but yet i am planning my death. my bff is useless when it comes to dealing with me and my suicide. she emailed me yesterday and asked where have i been since i havent emailed her lately, head too messed up. i told her i was in a dark black place. havent heard from her since. typical. this is why i cant reach out to her, 10 years ago when i was in a dangerous place mentally, she got mad, said i was always depressed and she feels as if she cant tell me when shes happy. then i didnt hear from her for months. so fuck it. i'm not telling her, she will find out when i send her some of my most precious belongings. ive been playing around with my method, so im not so scared of it. trying to de-sensitize myself to it. i've looked in to some shelters but they have long waiting lists and i refuse to live under a bridge. i cant make it as a homeless person. i just cant.
  14. fransigne

    fransigne Active Member

    Cetiya, since youre already thinking about dying, you might as well ask your friend if you can borrow some money to buy yourself a little more time to find another job. The worst that will happen is that she will say no. I have noticed it's a little bit easier finding another job when you aren't already employed.
  15. cetiya

    cetiya Member

    she told me she is helping a few family members and cant help me too. i cant even find any jobs on the internet, trying to find something before this all blows up in my face. i feel sick inside. oh well. hope i find the guts to do what i have to do when this happens.
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