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The time

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by samiekat, Dec 21, 2011.

  1. samiekat

    samiekat New Member

    Hello everyone, I've never told anyone anything about any of this and it has really been weighing me down recently- so I'd thought I'd share.

    I know this story is not as bad as most people, but it is still my story...
    In 6th grade (or sometime during 5-7th grade, don't remember time is quite a blur for me). I started hearing the yelling.
    My father would come home at 4am from a bar or a street and my mother would be waiting for him. My mother would yell my father would yell back.
    They would run around the house and create a ruckus. While this was happening, I was 'sound asleep' in my bed. My parents in the day time would not talk to each other and pretend it never happened, leading me to act like nothing ever happened. Attempting to smile, pretend everything is alright.
    They continued to yell for about two years, frequently. Always thinking I couldn't hear them. They would yell at the tip of my bed, thinking I couldn't hear. "lets not do this in front of the kids" my mom would say. Anyways, this is how I found out my father was moving out. My mother used the excuse that she promised me his office. So my father moved out. He became a very insignificant part of my life. I saw him everyday but we didn't talk about anything really, things that didn't matter.

    By 7th-8th grade I had reached my limit of the fighting. I had become sucked up in the internet, and manga. feeding my obsession so I didn't have to think about reality. Any time I saw a car I would think how easily I could walk in front of it. I saw everything not as what they are but how I could die from it.

    I realized that life must get better, people live for such long times, why can I not bare only a few years. So i decided- I would wait until 12th grade. In 12th grade if my life is still unbearable I would kill myself.
    As the years went on, life became bearable, I made a group of friends that I never really liked but occasionally hung out with. I turned the depression into obsession and would spend hours looking things up and reading manga.

    Last year I moved with only my father- the man who was in my life but I never associated with. The move was wonderful, I made friends and learned the true meaning of life. But my father was there, and attempted to become a father figure once more. It was awful. I would get home, instead of him yelling at my mother he would yell at me. Never hit (he threw a book once) but his words were like poison. He would yell for hours and I would not utter a word, just take in the yelling.
    He wanted me to do exactly what he wanted, as if it were still 6th grade. And I did as a teenager would do- not follow his rules exactly. The yelling progressed, and I was back in the same state as in Junior high.

    Once again I have found the uselessness of life, the corruption, and just the pointlessness. And what do you know, I am in twelfth grade.
    Death seems to be lurking in the air, but I still want there to be good in life. But every time I am close to it, the bad just seems to be worse. Life just does not seem like it is worth all this trouble.
    I left out some, but I think this is enough for now. I'm sure this is some usual story, but yeah.

    and sorry this is so long :rooster:
  2. xXxSomeonexXx

    xXxSomeonexXx Active Member

    i'm sorry. my situation is alot like that, so i'm here if u wanna talk. my parents fought ALOT until they got divorced, when i was 9. Sometimes i had to go to court as a witness and testify against my father. They fought every night. I cry whenever i hear parents fighting now (even if it's part of a play...long story). But my father never went to bars (that i know of). He never drank or did drugs, thank god! Anyways, i'm here for you if you wanna talk cuz i can relate
  3. Mr. E

    Mr. E Well-Known Member

    So sorry that you're going through this. It sounds like you're really struggling with the discord in your family and with life's outlook. When I was in college I had to admit to my faculty advisor that I was suicidally depressed and that there was a serious chance that I would have to withdraw from the university to take a medical leave. In response to this, she told me that she was miserably unhappy during her college years--that she had come close to killing herself. But she's glad that she didn't. She said she couldn't see it then, but seemingly unforseeable happiness was in her future. Now she's married, has a beautiful daughter, and a tenure faculty position in a challenging field at one of the most prestigious universities in the U.S. It took a long time to get there, but she stuck it through, and it paid off. Life is long indeed- and there's a lot we can't see when we're young, and even more we can't see when we're overwhelmed by unrelenting misery. I understand how you feel, trying to develop a time line and deadline for enduring the pain. I'm guilty of this as well, but I try to hang onto this story when I think about how bleak the future seems. Maybe it will have some meaning for you as well.