The tormented mind behind the smiling face..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Crazy Cat, Oct 15, 2016.

  1. Crazy Cat

    Crazy Cat Member

    I was talking to a friend tonight who finds it difficult looking beyond my bubbly personality and into my tormented mind. I sent her this note which i prepared for my GP which I hope provides a bit more insight.

    After an average of 7 hours sleep a night (for which I'm immensely grateful for) I wake up & go about my daily business. I spend time with my family, laugh with friends, enjoy table tennis at work, play with my dog and do my job well.

    Suddenly, out of nowhere, I get this sinking feeling which invades my thoughts. I don't understand it. It consumes me. I wonder if its something to do with my past; but its been 33 years...surely I've dealt with that already?!

    I'm bombarded with thoughts about my dad, the attack, my mum, my brothers (1 who sexually abused me from 8 -10 & the other who murdered my dad with a knife & attempted to murder my mum as i stood by helplessly), the abuse, what I've processed & I question what I haven't. I think about WHO AND WHAT I've lost as a result of all of these events.

    I try making sense of these thoughts and feelings, but it's like opening a Pandoras box. I feel like my life is in a million pieces again, & I desperately need to put it back together. I feel extremely confused. I want to understand why I'm feeling like this.

    But I know I can't & I begin to think perhaps I never will? I'm fighting a battle which can't be won. I feel alone & frustrated. I hate feeling like this!! I feel sorry for myself. I get emotional. Why aren't my coping mechanisms working anymore?? I'm annoyed thay I'm back here. I'm disillusioned with myself and with life. I'm one major event away from ending it all. I'm tired. I don't want to fight anymore.

    I don't think I'd cope if anything happened to my mum, or husband or the kids?? I can't bear to be crippled by grief again. The thought of suicide comforts me as I know I'd have a way to escape the suffocating grief.

    I tell myself to stop being dramatic and that its all in my head. I just need to stop over thinking and over analysing every aspect of my life. Besides, I have so many things to be thankful for!

    I steal some time alone to gather my thoughts. I talk to God, take deep breathes & if possible, listen to music to find solace. I discipline myself to think about the positive things in my life and I tell myself to harden up; after all, everyone has issues; I just need to suck it up.

    After a few minutes, I somehow manage to pick myself up & dust myself off. It takes everything within me; but I succeed, albeit feeling exhausted & ashamed. I try to mask the emotional rollercoaster I've been on before getting back to spending time with my family, laughing with friends, playing table tennis at work or doing my job.

    This cycle happens several times a day until I go to bed. Only to wake the next day & repeat.
  2. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    You've lived through some very traumatic events. I only know a little about PTSD and how it can attack your conscious thoughts and emotions without warning and sometimes years later.

    The coping mechanisms we learn as children are often not effective as we get older. These mechanisms can often be used in other areas of our lives without us even being aware of it. Sucking it up is one of these. Our emotions can only be buried for so long, as our minds will unconsciously try to resolve problems for us.

    I suggest not trying to deal with this on your own. Talk with your husband. Work on a plan to get yourself in a better place emotionally. Contact your family doctor as well.
    Crazy Cat likes this.
  3. Crazy Cat

    Crazy Cat Member

    Thanks striking. I've been seeing a psychologist who specialises in PTSD & my GP has just put me on meds. I just feel so tired from having to constantly fight my thoughts all the time. Then I feel guilty for not focusing on all of the positives in my life. I've never been one to play the victim but I feel so trapped by these tormenting thoughts!
  4. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    I'm sure you are exhausted by fighting your thoughts. Your psychologist will help you learn better ways to deal with these. It takes time, so be resilient because progress is rarely linear.

    Remember this is about you taking care of yourself, which you absolutely deserve. You can do that and still appreciate all of your positives. You are just a human being who has hurts that need to be tended, be kind while you allow this process to play out.
  5. Crazy Cat

    Crazy Cat Member

    Thanks for your encouragement. It means a lot!
    Striking likes this.