I was talking to a friend tonight who finds it difficult looking beyond my bubbly personality and into my tormented mind. I sent her this note which i prepared for my GP which I hope provides a bit more insight. After an average of 7 hours sleep a night (for which I'm immensely grateful for) I wake up & go about my daily business. I spend time with my family, laugh with friends, enjoy table tennis at work, play with my dog and do my job well. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I get this sinking feeling which invades my thoughts. I don't understand it. It consumes me. I wonder if its something to do with my past; but its been 33 years...surely I've dealt with that already?! I'm bombarded with thoughts about my dad, the attack, my mum, my brothers (1 who sexually abused me from 8 -10 & the other who murdered my dad with a knife & attempted to murder my mum as i stood by helplessly), the abuse, what I've processed & I question what I haven't. I think about WHO AND WHAT I've lost as a result of all of these events. I try making sense of these thoughts and feelings, but it's like opening a Pandoras box. I feel like my life is in a million pieces again, & I desperately need to put it back together. I feel extremely confused. I want to understand why I'm feeling like this. But I know I can't & I begin to think perhaps I never will? I'm fighting a battle which can't be won. I feel alone & frustrated. I hate feeling like this!! I feel sorry for myself. I get emotional. Why aren't my coping mechanisms working anymore?? I'm annoyed thay I'm back here. I'm disillusioned with myself and with life. I'm one major event away from ending it all. I'm tired. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't think I'd cope if anything happened to my mum, or husband or the kids?? I can't bear to be crippled by grief again. The thought of suicide comforts me as I know I'd have a way to escape the suffocating grief. I tell myself to stop being dramatic and that its all in my head. I just need to stop over thinking and over analysing every aspect of my life. Besides, I have so many things to be thankful for! I steal some time alone to gather my thoughts. I talk to God, take deep breathes & if possible, listen to music to find solace. I discipline myself to think about the positive things in my life and I tell myself to harden up; after all, everyone has issues; I just need to suck it up. After a few minutes, I somehow manage to pick myself up & dust myself off. It takes everything within me; but I succeed, albeit feeling exhausted & ashamed. I try to mask the emotional rollercoaster I've been on before getting back to spending time with my family, laughing with friends, playing table tennis at work or doing my job. This cycle happens several times a day until I go to bed. Only to wake the next day & repeat.