i cant do this anymore, everytime i try to do something theres always someone or something waiting to kick me back down to nothing, where i've spent most of my "life", it's like im not supposed to gain any ground, im always supposed to be at the bottom of the pile, the lowly doormat that everyone stands on but nobody ever really notices. its like banging my head against a brick fuckin wall, if you do it enough eventually the wall will give a little, but it'll do a hell of a lot more damage to you i find myself "living" like a ghost, days/weeks go by without me hearing a single spoken word personally directed at me, or even a text message or email, which begs the question, "would anybody notice if i wasnt here?" i've carried this pain i feel for too long, even with the brief moments of happiness i've felt in the last 6/7 years the pain has always been there, the regrets, the mistakes, the fear of certain things happening again, the nightmares every night, the memories that come up at the slightest hint of an association, the torment i put myself through after being reminded of an event. i tried distancing myself from people, to try and avoid letting anybody get close, afraid to let them in, worrying that if anybody really gets to know me they'll walk away. Hell even i'd walk away from me.. through a dozen or more suicide attempts i've had several that i would call serious that have seen me admitted to hospital in intensive care, the most recent of which was a couple of weeks ago, the previous one had me walking from the hospital with doctors trying to convince me to stay because they didnt think i was well enough to leave.. i've tried a lot of things, <mod edit-gentlelady-Methods> i've heard a lot of theories on life, that its a game we're all playing, well in a game somebody invariably has to lose.. i've heard it referred to as a movie by people who believe our whole lives are written before we even get to live them. well in movies people die, especially the bad guys and i've been no saint.. one of mine a while back was that this is just a test that we must endure, overcoming all the obstacles thrown in our path, before we really get to live. people fail tests all the time, worst happens? you dont get to re-sit it? i got no problem with that. my problems would arise if i hads to re-sit it until i got it right, though i've failed at so much i'm sure i could keep failing this one test.. another along those lines is that this is Gods way of testing if we're worthy of heaven, that we have to survive until our "time" to be accepted. well im used to rejection.. i consider myself a loving person with a lot of love to give, but im too afraid to love anyone or anything anymore, because its just a whole lot of hurt just waiting to be unleashed with 1 mistake, or 1 bad decision.. if i cant love then theres no point me carrying on, i'll always be incomplete. some people say "its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved", well thats bullshit, nobody can know that because nobody can experience both sides of that coin.. maybe thats all life is, a game, the toss of a coin, heads or tails?. maybe some games are rigged.. that just promotes images in my head of some sadistic sideshow fucker at a fair flipping a coin calling out "HEADS I WIN, TAILS YOU LOSE".. maybe i should let the toss of a coin decide my fate.. 1st person to pm me or reply calls the toss ok?.. but call the toss or not, my mind is made up. i've had enough of this shit!!