the toss of a coin?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by blackening, Oct 21, 2007.

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  1. blackening

    blackening Well-Known Member

    i cant do this anymore, everytime i try to do something theres always someone or something waiting to kick me back down to nothing, where i've spent most of my "life", it's like im not supposed to gain any ground, im always supposed to be at the bottom of the pile, the lowly doormat that everyone stands on but nobody ever really notices. its like banging my head against a brick fuckin wall, if you do it enough eventually the wall will give a little, but it'll do a hell of a lot more damage to you

    i find myself "living" like a ghost, days/weeks go by without me hearing a single spoken word personally directed at me, or even a text message or email, which begs the question, "would anybody notice if i wasnt here?"

    i've carried this pain i feel for too long, even with the brief moments of happiness i've felt in the last 6/7 years the pain has always been there, the regrets, the mistakes, the fear of certain things happening again, the nightmares every night, the memories that come up at the slightest hint of an association, the torment i put myself through after being reminded of an event. i tried distancing myself from people, to try and avoid letting anybody get close, afraid to let them in, worrying that if anybody really gets to know me they'll walk away. Hell even i'd walk away from me..

    through a dozen or more suicide attempts i've had several that i would call serious that have seen me admitted to hospital in intensive care, the most recent of which was a couple of weeks ago, the previous one had me walking from the hospital with doctors trying to convince me to stay because they didnt think i was well enough to leave..

    i've tried a lot of things, <mod edit-gentlelady-Methods>

    i've heard a lot of theories on life, that its a game we're all playing, well in a game somebody invariably has to lose..

    i've heard it referred to as a movie by people who believe our whole lives are written before we even get to live them.
    well in movies people die, especially the bad guys and i've been no saint..

    one of mine a while back was that this is just a test that we must endure, overcoming all the obstacles thrown in our path, before we really get to live.
    people fail tests all the time, worst happens? you dont get to re-sit it? i got no problem with that. my problems would arise if i hads to re-sit it until i got it right, though i've failed at so much i'm sure i could keep failing this one test..

    another along those lines is that this is Gods way of testing if we're worthy of heaven, that we have to survive until our "time" to be accepted.
    well im used to rejection..

    i consider myself a loving person with a lot of love to give, but im too afraid to love anyone or anything anymore, because its just a whole lot of hurt just waiting to be unleashed with 1 mistake, or 1 bad decision.. if i cant love then theres no point me carrying on, i'll always be incomplete.

    some people say "its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved", well thats bullshit, nobody can know that because nobody can experience both sides of that coin.. maybe thats all life is, a game, the toss of a coin, heads or tails?. maybe some games are rigged.. that just promotes images in my head of some sadistic sideshow fucker at a fair flipping a coin calling out "HEADS I WIN, TAILS YOU LOSE".. maybe i should let the toss of a coin decide my fate.. 1st person to pm me or reply calls the toss ok?.. but call the toss or not, my mind is made up. i've had enough of this shit!!
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 21, 2007
  2. Isa

    Isa Well-Known Member

    I hate to reply because I feel hypocritical telling people what to do. So I wont.

    All I will do is ask you to think about something before you decide.

    If your putting your choice on the flip of a coin, there is a 50% chance you will survive. There is a chance you will survive. In putting the choice on the coin, you've given the world that chance to make you live.

    If you didn't want to live, you wouldnt of bothered giving life a chance at all. A part of you, is still fighting, is still asking for help, is still hoping someone can make the pain go away.

    There it is. The best reason there is to see tomorrow. Because somewhere in you, theres a part of you that still wants to.

    Knowing that you wanna live doesnt make anything easier, and usually its a case of 'I dont wanna die I just cant bare to live', but the fact of it is its 'i cant bare to live, like this' so keep fighting to find whatever it takes to survive.

    Also, some of that post counts as 'methods'. Just a heads up before someone removes it from your post.

    Wishing you well x
  3. blackening

    blackening Well-Known Member

    i understand what you're saying about i'm giving life a chance, but i dont see it that way, its more irony (i think thats the right word for what i mean) just something i realised as i was writing the post.

    in all honesty if things could change and be how i want them to be, and they're not even big changes) then i'd quite happily go on living, but the stark truth of the matter is that they wont change, no matter what i try to do. i've waited for so long even for a sign that they will change, and signs have come, but then they disappeared again. its almost like this life is teasing me with promises, giving me hope, just to watch me fall on my face again
  4. blackening

    blackening Well-Known Member

    just noticed your avatar, seems strangely significant to me right now, if only people could have seen/realised in time what was going on things would have been different.. but i place no blame on anybody else, im a victim of my own life choices, nobody elses
  5. blackening

    blackening Well-Known Member

    i just want to say that i know what it will take for me to survive, but every day it seems less and less likely that it will happen, that the thing i want more than anything will never be mine...

    i just cant do it!!
  6. blackening

    blackening Well-Known Member

    :depressed: oh well, here i am again, feeling as low as i ever have, with no respite from this agony inside of me im afraid i just dont have the strength to do this any longer. its not like i have anything to offer this world or anybody in it, i realised i was living for 1 person, and now shes gone i'm living for nobody, and what good is a heart when its in so many pieces anyway, im amazed it still beats now, at least i think it does, i cant tell anymore if its a heartbeat pulsing in my chest or just the emptiness trying to force its way out somehow.

    anyway, i just wanted to let somebody know that i may not be back.
    im gonna take a drive up one of the cliffs here where i took my ex, im not sure why im going or what im gonna do when im there but ive just got an overwhelming urge to go anyway, its as if somebody just told me i need to go there, maybe its best if i dont overthink it and let whatever is going to happen just happen, im not even afraid of why im going, i just dont care anymore, theres nothing worth carrying on for, all i have on the horizon is more of what im feeling right now :(

    take care everybody, i wish you all the best.

    in case i dont return, i wanna say thank you to anybody that, in my short time with SF, took the time to read my posts, respond to them or anybody that just talked to me in chat, there are so many good people here.
    So to all of you, Thank You. :cya:
  7. blackening

    blackening Well-Known Member

    well that was fuckin pointless, drive all the way up there just to sit on the floor and cry for 2 hours, im so fuckin pathetic, i think i hate me more than i hate anybody else in this god forsaken world. ffs somebody take a <Mod Edit-livelife-methods> off and put me out of my fuckin misery, PLEASE?! at least then i know it'll work :thatsit:
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 22, 2007
  8. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

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