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The tournament I lost

Alsy

Active Member
#1
Today was a tournament I took a part in. And I lost. In every single fight.
It wasn't because I wasn't prepared or strong enough. The reason was that a was nervous. And afraid. That anxious, I couldn't see the world clearly when the tournament started. I could only focus on pain in my chest. My body felt alien, everything was dizzy and foggy, as if in a dream. It's called derealization. I hate it.
I've already fought a few times with all of my opponents. I won over them on the trainings. Some of them were easy, some of them were harder, but I got a chance. I should've just done everything like I usually do, I should've fought like I used to. But, hah, did you know, when you can't focus on the world around you, you can't focus on you opponent's movements, too. When everything feels unstable and unreal, you cannot choose the right distance. When you don't feel your body, you can't control your movements well. And with a sword in your hand and a split second for a decision, you can't let yourself any destruction.
I hate it so much. Everything I dream about and want, not only fencing, when I finally get to try it -- my mind always starts playing it's shitty games. And it always ends up with a failure, because of how anxious and worried and spaced out I am in the most important minutes.
I hate it.
 

LOSTINSIGHT

Well-Known Member
#2
Hi ,this is so frustrating for you, oh boy do I know how this feels.
Your so young ,,keep learning and understanding about the panic and anxiety and were it comes from .
My 18 year old self was full of unconscious anxiety,,i used alcohol ,,very wrong in hindsight.
Keep at it and keep learning. Our EGOs can suffer because when we are nervous, our ego perceives this as weakness ,try to not attach your identity with the nerves .
I myself have toxic shame witch pops up because my anxiety.thats in my past as a kid .
Meditation, breathing techniques, all this will help you.
Take care.
 

Always Hopeless

Well-Known Member
#5
I've been living with derealization too. I know how that feels. I didn't know what it was or that there was even a word for it until I read your post. All I knew was the feeling of not really being here.
 

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