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The truth, for the first time ever

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dirtybirdy, Dec 3, 2010.

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  1. dirtybirdy

    dirtybirdy Member

    hey, before I start with my story I just wanted to say this is the first time I think I will ever tell everything in full truth. I'm going to try and write it without trying to justify myself or as if I'm trying to gain sympathy. I'm not, I'm not a good person, I know that.

    I should probably start by telling you about my mum which is difficult in itself because whenever I've talked about things shes called me an attention seeker, story teller etc etc. I mean I guess this is attention seeking in its own way talking about it. But like I said at the beginning what I'm telling you all is the truth. I have no reason to lie really none of you know who I am :/
    My mother has a really bad temper, I've been walking on eggshells at home since I can remember. I mean I'm not saying I'm an angel I did bad things but things I think any other kid would do like not cleaning their room, not sharing toys etc etc
    but I also think the punishments were out of proportion, for example one time I didn't tidy my room and forgot to water my plant and my mam went mad at me, slapping me and calling me a scruffy ****.
    But this happened very often, and theres not much more I can tell you because obviousley after 17 years with her theres ALOT to tell and I don't want this to be TL;DR for some people.

    Anyways so that left me a very anxious, socially awkward teenage girl. I found it really hard to make friends, nevermind boyfriends. Anytime I did get a friend it was the basic case of friendship abuse we see so much and I'm sure some of you went through in school where a group of girls take you into their friendship group but your the butt of every joke. Just someone they can take the mick out of all the time.
    In the beginning of high school I guess I blossomed a little bit, I had a small group of friends, I wasn't the butt of the jokes but it was a group of us who got together and PRETENDED to be friends but really we hated each other (if that makes sense)
    When I was turning 15 I decided I wanted to go to a gig for my birthday and I invited those three girls to go with me. It was a small gig for a local band.
    We had a great time and met two older boys there and the next day one of them started dating one of my friends (funnily enough one of the ones that used to bully me the worst but that seemed to be forgotten)
    I didn't properly talk to this guy for a few weeks and I think he forgot about me being at the gig tbh but he came to visit with the other guy and we all (them and my friends) went out together and it was a great day.
    That night he added me on MSN and was telling me how pretty I was and how he wished my friend (lets call her Emma from now on though thats not her real name) was more like me.
    Now, I'd love to tell you guys I told him to back off. I'd love to tell you I was a loyal friend. I wasn't.
    In my mind a guy actually met me in person and liked me for the first time ever. He thought I was pretty and liked me even though he'd met my even prettier friends. We had a secret 'relationship' of sorts.
    Did I care I was betraying this girl? No, I didn't. In my mind she deserved it for hurting me and I wasn't letting this slip.
    Obviousley looking back, these boys were 17 and we were 15. I doubt they should have been hanging around with us in the sense they were anyways. The one who was into me kept trying to get us to play truth or dare and asking us to strip and TRYING to convince us to have groupsex (though me and my friends were all virgins.)
    Me and this boy didn't have sex when he was with my friend, but I knew he wanted to.

    Not long after he and my friend broke up and he got really mad at me and kept asking me to get them back together and I tried and convinced her to go back out with him to make him happy and it worked, but she broke up with him not long after.
    It was then he asked if he could take my virginity and he kept saying he loved me and I said yes.
    Basically he came down to my house and idk how to explain it, he did it then left.
    And didn't talk to me again,
    I guess it was statutory rape because I was only 15 but it feels like I'm lying calling it rape because I said yes. All I can say is he left me feeling used and aweful. I know I deserved it because I'd betrayed my friend.

    I kept trying to make him like me again after, but it was evident that he was done with me.
    Two years on I confronted him about it, he said sorry and avoids my eyes when we cross paths in town.

    While all this was going on the trouble with my mam kept going. It was around this time I started self harming.
    Once I turned 16 she got in the horrible habit of kicking me out when she got in a bad mood. So I was in and out of my mums home, staying at my dads when I was kicked out.
    Now my dad is a decent guy, he has a small flat and I guess hes like me as in he doesnt know how to deal with people that well. I always felt bad like I was taking up space though he never said anything of the sort.

    So thats the story (really quickly) to this point.
    The recent goings on is I've been kicked out, again and its not long 'til Christmas. I doubt I'll be home for Christmas.
    My Grandad was crying yesterday when my mum wouldn't let me home saying this was killing him. My grandmas ill and shouldn't have to deal with this.
    I feel constantly guilty for being a bitch to everybody, I'm turning into my mother.
    I have told a couple of people that this guy 'hurt' me and they've of course jumped to the conclusion that he raped me, I didn't correct them. I should have.
    and its all got out of control.

    I've always had a suicidal sort of way of thinkins since I was 12 and I was sat at the science table by myself because all my friends hated me and didn't want to sit with me and I remember thinking "I want to die"
    and it never stopped. But its never seemed so bad I actually thought I'd do it.
    But I honestly HONESTLY think everyone would have a nice Christmas without me.
    I hurt everybody, I'm a horrible person for doing these things.
    I guess letting a couple of people think I was raped makes me as bad as him, if he was even bad at all.
    I've been planning to set a date before Christmas and if I'm not home by then I'm going to end it.
    That doesn't mean I want everyone to be like "NO DON'T YOU'RE A GOOD PERSON" because like, I know I'm not. I've done aweful things.

    But this isn't certian, that I will do this. I'm telling my story to see if it will help me in a way. Though I don't deserve it.
    I'm hoping this all makes sense and it doesn't read back really cringeworthy or like I'm fishing for compliments because thats really not my intention
    thank you for reading, whoever does
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey glad you got your story out ihope it help some I am sorry your relationship with your mother is not good. She should never hit you and call you things that is wrong. Ihope she calms down some and lets you back home. The boy was 17 and you 15 then i think if you agreed to it i think the courts will say it is not rape he certainly took advantage of your age though. Keep posting okay YOu are not a bad kid you are just troubled and need help and guidance. I hope you can reach out to a coucillor at your school and talk okay to them They will help get you therapy and maybe help mend the drift between you and your mom take care.
  3. dirtybirdy

    dirtybirdy Member

    I've talked to a councillor, but I couldn't tell them the whole truth. I'm a coward and I'm scared to tell people how horrible I've been.
    I doubt I could ever talk about it all properly, I doubt I could ever be good :(
    I just really feel like I'm beyond hope. I've tried being a nice person to everyone but its all fake really if I don't correct the past.
    I know I will continue to hurt people, maybe its the way I am. I'm probably past the point of being able to change now.
    I just feel like it'd be much better for everyone if I just disappeared xxx
    Thank you for your reply, it feels a bit better writing about it but I feel like still I'm missing parts and I'm like trying to make myself look like the good one whos just a bit troubled and did some bad things, but thats not true I am and aweful person. I feel :( xxx
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    the best thing i learned in therapy was that it's common for you to feel bad or worthless or awful when you grow up being abused, and that goes for verbal and emotional abuse as well as physical abuse. we love our parents, we want their love back and when we don't get it we feel that there is something wrong with us.

    i say this because i want you to know that you are not awful or any of those other things you are saying about yourself. you are just having a rough time. we all make mistakes, and sleeping with that 17 year old was a big one. but you should forgive yourself. it may not have been rape but it left you feeling pretty rotten. you deserve to feel better.

    i think counselling would be a good idea. you have alot of healing to do. don't give up before trying to get some more help. you deserve only good things and a nice long life ahead of you.
  5. dirtybirdy

    dirtybirdy Member

    Thank you for your reply,
    I probably do need to face up to a few things and forgive myself. But the concept is very scary to me.
    I kind of just want it all to go away, I wish I could start everything again and be nice to everyone and make people feel good xxx
  6. Pip28

    Pip28 Well-Known Member

    Being taken advantage of at a young age does not make you a bad person, can you talk to your farther?, in any case please remember it was your so called friends that was in the wrong, it was in no way your fault.
  7. dirtybirdy

    dirtybirdy Member

    I feel like I deserved to be hurt, because I was a horrible friend :(
    my dad isn't like a talky-to kind of person
    though I do talk to him when my mum upsets me because obviousley he knows what shes like...
    I hate those girls now, but I can't help feeling if I was better they would like me more xxx
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