The story first began when I was 5 years old, when I don’t know anything about morality, dignity and sex. At first, I didn’t know what is the meaning of a so-called ‘distant relative’ have done to me. But at the blooming age of 12, I started to understand what is the meaning of the act that keeps bothering me when I was a mere child. The act is called oral sex. Yes, readers, at first I remember bits and pieces of those faint memories, however now it became very clear to me of what these actions had done and change my perspective of the opposite gender forever. In detail of the story, it was at my grandparents place on my father side, I remember these two young boys talk with each other, could have been whispering, my sister was there, along with my female cousin. <mod edit - graphic triggering> I knew my sister might have done something too with another boy but I’m not sure the severity of it all. But I do know this, how upset I am, and how angry I am that my sister didn’t tell anyone about it and how she is so cool about the matter. I tell you this really breaks my heart because it is so fresh in my memory. And I wonder what it could’ve been for all the victimized children of the world who might not be as lucky as me. To make the matter worse, over time, as a children growing up, still developing mentally and uncovering identity for my life, my father has a hot-blooded businessman in him. Every time me and my sister have a common sibling wrestle, we end up either locked inside a stored room under the stairs in darkness or beat up by our father with vile words. Some of his conducts are using hangers, spitting, and the belts. He is not entirely a bad person, but he does have a stored hot-blooded anger within him, I believe from his line of work, how stress he is in his work. In the end, as he grows old, his way of showing sorry or how much he loves us is by giving us money, clothes and other things we wanted in life. At some point now, I’d wanted to tell him, even though I have all the things that he gave to me, I still can’t erase the pain and memory that he had inflicted to me when I was younger. The scar is too deep and these pains make me understand it’s the way of life that I have lived for to keep alive. For me, happiness is just temporary and unreal that at some point I can’t feel happiness itself because it’s a fragile thing that could easily break. And for dad, who gave an impression that just by giving money, clothes, foods, and other things means you can be happy. I wish it could be that simple. I wish that I could’ve believed togetherness in a family with a good atmosphere could bring happiness to this frozen heart. I really am sorry but I couldn’t feel it. I hope that I am not delusional because of watching so many movies and stories in real life that I encounter, but this simply is defines me. I can only give out a masked smile to my family, to pretend that I am happy, but inside in a very deep hole, I felt hollow. I am not capable of hating everyone but I am so disappointed that no matter how much cry-out signal that I give out to everyone, nobody really did notice it. This does shape my entire perspective of the world. <mod edit - methods> I want to take a test if I am some psycho maniac, attention seeker or some sort. What am I? What cause me like this. How can I be normal? My action seems to affect the rest member of my family too. It’s like I’m emitting toxic viral disease to them. My younger brother and sister seem to follow my footsteps too. My mother is also on the verge of her destruction by feeling unsecure towards herself at one point. Because they have seen a glimpse of my whimpering suicidal depressed sickness and hence they are not strong enough but to follow it. I’m sorry that I am the root of negativity of it all. I am trying to control myself. To grasp whatever humane soul left in me. To collect myself. Though it’s hard, it’s just easy for me to be soulless. Friends. I’m sorry. I had hope that a friend or friends could make me feel alive too. But it is just a pretentious bullshit. I am kind to them and thank you for being kind to me, though I am truly very sorry that I’ve made myself to be friends with other people to appear to be normal and blend with the society. To get clicked with someone in groups’ means I could’ve just masked myself with the rest of society. I’m sorry that I couldn’t feel anything, feel nothing but hollow. I appreciate those friendships but I’m just fooling myself that I hope I could actually feel something in myself. Battling myself I’d like to tell myself, stupid, what the heck are you thinking. This is a big world and you, on your own, made yourself small. By not doing anything and letting yourself drift with a blocked mind and unresolved feeling. Closed that chapter and move on. Yes. I really like to move on. I really do. I really want too. But I can’t seem to remind myself I’ve known for a fact these are my history, it will always be part of my history, part of what I am, how I decide in life. I will always remember this bitter experience for me to decide what is wrong and right in this reality. It’s just that I could not feel anything for the greatness in life. I could not feel anything. Nothing. Wanting I don’t know what I want. Life? Happiness? Love? What is it? What are those? Still venture on the meaning of it and I’d like to experience it one day. I know that is unreal and another all masking lies. Now, I keep telling myself I'm okay, this is just hormone imbalanced. I want to tell to the professionals, but I just want to know what some people think about it now. Is this common? Or maybe I just want to share a side of my story. Maybe just want to let it out of my system.