Another year passes, and looking back this has been the most painful year of my life for... probably ten years or so at least. It's hard to say, the particular pains I've been through this year have been tougher, but... I am stronger too. But I am also weaker, I am struggling more with trust than I have done in a long time, and feel more trapped within myself than I was. My biggest fear is that those changes are permanent. Maybe they are, and it's for the best, but while I know I need to be more mature, I don't want to risk becoming closed off emotionally. That's more of a side thought though I guess. Every new year, the last days before it turns, I get intensely suicidal. I promised myself too many times in the past that each year would be the last, which causes those feelings. As lonely as I've felt for a long time, this is the first year I'm actually technically alone. I know, in rational mind, that it's a good thing, but I fear that I wont keep that logical thought. Being around my family is... mixed, it means I wont be alone, but it also may drive me to make myself be alone. I think that's why I'm posting this now. I know... if I need help, I wont be able to reach out for it. I struggle at the best of times with that, but... I'm honestly fearful as to what will come. The thing is, I know that next year will be better. And that's a huge thing for me to be saying. I have things to look forward to. But... I don't know, I just feel the risk there of everything going badly the next couple of days, and me ending up doing something stupid. I mean, I'm alive now, so... maybe I'm overthinking this, because I've survived much worse, but... I just fear there's enough in my head unresolved which... will cause problems. I think it's better to be aware of all this though, which is why I'm rambling about it here right now. Better said and thought about, than ignored and having it sprung upon me. I hope the concern is all for nothing.