It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, who I’m with, where I am, I seem to be followed by this quiet voice which constantly suggests that I should take my life. If I’m busy sometimes it’s very quiet but the moment I stop, even for a second, it pushes its way through to the forefront. The thing is, I feel like I’ve lived with it for so long its not scary or frightening. If anything it feels very comfortable and I can wallow in the idea and try to imagine. I’ve had dreams where I’ve been following it through and in recent days I’ve even visited the place so I can properly visualise and plan what to do. This of course is when I am being totally selfish and I can become all absorbed in the thought without so much as considering the impact on my family. For the last week things have been relatively calm, a few stressful spikes but on the whole ok. When September comes everything will kick off and the stress levels will rise and the need to escape will become stronger. Why are these thoughts so comfortable? Shouldn’t they feel frightening? Will I ever find myself having a day where it is not a consideration or is this it for ever? Will I always consider taking my life as an option? Tonight I am quite happy to sit and imagine and dream and wallow in the idea, like a comfort blanket. My therapist called it an uncomfortable comfort blanket but not so much the uncomfortable part really. I am very happy to wrap it around myself tonight and dream.
