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The uncomfortable comfort blanket

#1
It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, who I’m with, where I am, I seem to be followed by this quiet voice which constantly suggests that I should take my life. If I’m busy sometimes it’s very quiet but the moment I stop, even for a second, it pushes its way through to the forefront. The thing is, I feel like I’ve lived with it for so long its not scary or frightening. If anything it feels very comfortable and I can wallow in the idea and try to imagine. I’ve had dreams where I’ve been following it through and in recent days I’ve even visited the place so I can properly visualise and plan what to do. This of course is when I am being totally selfish and I can become all absorbed in the thought without so much as considering the impact on my family. For the last week things have been relatively calm, a few stressful spikes but on the whole ok. When September comes everything will kick off and the stress levels will rise and the need to escape will become stronger. Why are these thoughts so comfortable? Shouldn’t they feel frightening? Will I ever find myself having a day where it is not a consideration or is this it for ever? Will I always consider taking my life as an option? Tonight I am quite happy to sit and imagine and dream and wallow in the idea, like a comfort blanket. My therapist called it an uncomfortable comfort blanket but not so much the uncomfortable part really. I am very happy to wrap it around myself tonight and dream.
 

JMG

~ Crazy Cat LADY ~
#3
Hey sorry it's just me here but just wanted to say I read what you wrote & I can relate to what you said. It is very comforting for me too to think of that as being an option for me and imagining how it would all happen as well. I'm sorry that you are in such a level of pain to be feeling that way but I also feel comforted by knowing I'm not alone in feeling that way. I don't think anyone has ever been comforted by me saying I can relate to what they are saying (or if they have they've never said it to me anyway) so I won't dare to even hope that it will be any different this time either but just thought I'd say it anyway in case it maybe makes some kind of difference in any way at all. If not then sorry I tried.
I hope September won't be stressful for you too cos you deserve to be happy :) *hug
 
#4
Hey sorry it's just me here but just wanted to say I read what you wrote & I can relate to what you said. It is very comforting for me too to think of that as being an option for me and imagining how it would all happen as well. I'm sorry that you are in such a level of pain to be feeling that way but I also feel comforted by knowing I'm not alone in feeling that way. I don't think anyone has ever been comforted by me saying I can relate to what they are saying (or if they have they've never said it to me anyway) so I won't dare to even hope that it will be any different this time either but just thought I'd say it anyway in case it maybe makes some kind of difference in any way at all. If not then sorry I tried.
I hope September won't be stressful for you too cos you deserve to be happy :) *hug
Thank you for your reply. It is comforting to know that someone else can relate and I’m not alone. Although I am sorry you also feel this way. You deserve to be happy too. *hug
 

JMG

~ Crazy Cat LADY ~
#5
Thank you for your reply. It is comforting to know that someone else can relate and I’m not alone. Although I am sorry you also feel this way. You deserve to be happy too. *hug
Ysw I was glad to reply (always am, and MUCH more so when people actually acknowledge it!) and ty for letting me know that it's comforting too! :) I definitely wish a lot more people would say that (heck, even if they don't remotely mean it, it's just a nice thing to say really!) and I think if more people were like you then this would be a MUCH better world! :)

Ty for what you said about being sorry I feel that way and that you think I deserve to be happy too, that really means a lot to me.
I hope you are having a nice, happy, good, enjoyable & inspiring day today, & if not then I hope you will feel better soon :) *hug
 
#6
Thank you for your reply. It is comforting to know that someone else can relate and I’m not alone. Although I am sorry you also feel this way. You deserve to be happy too. *hug
Ysw I was glad to reply (always am, and MUCH more so when people actually acknowledge it!) and ty for letting me know that it's comforting too! :) I definitely wish a lot more people would say that (heck, even if they don't remotely mean it, it's just a nice thing to say really!) and I think if more people were like you then this would be a MUCH better world! :)

Ty for what you said about being sorry I feel that way and that you think I deserve to be happy too, that really means a lot to me.
I hope you are having a nice, happy, good, enjoyable & inspiring day today, & if not then I hope you will feel better soon :) *hug
*hug
 

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