I spent a fair while trying to decide where best to post this, as I intend it to be an on-going thread (based on the supposition that I, myself, find the required personal resource to be 'ongoing'). Probably it should be in the diary section, but I wanted to post in a place where people were able to comment/respond if they chose. Since my future right now feels like the very epitome of "the uncertainty principle" - I settled for here. The Undiscovered Country refers neither to 'death' as in Shakespeare's Hamlet, nor is it a reference to a Star Trek movie (although the undiscovered country of 'peace' would not be unwelcome at this point). What I am referring to is the future. Does it exist? Is it worth the pain I am experiencing right now? Is it possible to trust again? Love again? If the future holds nothing but loneliness and pain is it a better option (on a logical and rational level) to choose to end things now? The very real truth is that at the moment I do not know. I do know it is nearly the end of 2013 and I am 32.5 years old. I feel, right now, as if the world ended. I feel lied to and betrayed, hurt and broken, worthless and unlovable. I understand of course that feeling something does not make it true. I understand that my thoughts "may not be accurate" as the man from the hospital crisis team informed me. That does not make the feelings any less painful or the thoughts any less debilitating. I have not ruled out suicide. Nor have I ruled out living. The way I see it is this: Suicide would end the pain I feel now - I would never have to feel anything again. It would be over. Blessed relief. While this is currently the most appealing option, the truth is that I love him and while he may never know, or care, if I ended my life - if he did know he MIGHT care and causing him that kind of pain or guilt is simply not an option. Not yet. Living indefinitely with this loneliness and pain is illogical and ridiculous. In this state I benefit nobody - I contribute nothing. People may argue that 'love' is not the be-all and end-all. I disagree. Wholeheartedly. For myself. Each person is different and for many it might be very possible to live a happy and fulfilling life without love - but for me it is not. It is the keystone in my ability to function, in my ability to CARE about functioning. It is the driving force behind my ambitions and the motivation to be better. Finding love and happiness in the future is not an impossibility. I recognise this is true even if I do not emotionally believe it. I also recognise that in my current state and current life, that is not going to happen. To improve my life I need to improve my life. This is where it gets tricky. How do you IMPROVE YOUR LIFE? Where do you find the motivation? How do you function through the pain? The aim of course is to create a life where the pain is gone and does not prevent you from functioning, where you are motivated, where you are not too depressed and suicidal to move forward. How do you create that life from a state where the pain prevents you from functioning, where you are not motivated and where you are too depressed and suicidal to move forward? I do not know. I do know I cannot do it today. Or tomorrow. Or next month. I do hope I can make a valid, meaningful, life altering START in the course of 2014. It seems logical to first identify the problems: I am in a debilitating amount emotional pain from the loss of my best friend. I hate my body and I hate my appearance (resulting in reclusive behaviors and destructive thought patterns). I have systematically isolated myself over the course of the past five years and have very little by way of social life. I have a history that cannot be undone or hidden from - one that could easily impact future relationships. I do not have any answers yet. No solutions. At the moment my 'life' is about getting to tomorrow. I do not know how to do more than that. I am aware this post is FAR TOO LONG for anyone to read. That is fine. It is not New Year's Eve - but now seems as good a time as any to publicly declare my resolution for 2014: I WILL ENDEAVOR TO LIVE - TO BEGIN TO CREATE A LIFE THAT IS FULFILLING AND HAPPY AND FILLED WITH PEOPLE - THAT HELPS AND NURTURES PEOPLE - THAT MAKES A DIFFERENCE. I WILL ENDEAVOR TO MAKE CHANGES THAT WILL ONE DAY ALLOW ME TO BE SOMEONE I LIKE, SOMEONE I AM PROUD OF. No, I do not yet know how. No I do not expect it to be easy. But this time next year I hope to be writing on this thread and for the option to die to no longer apply. I do not anticipate that exploring 'The Undiscovered Country' will be without pain and without hopelessness and without setbacks. I hope not to do it alone.