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The Undiscovered Country...

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Freya, Dec 30, 2013.

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  1. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    I spent a fair while trying to decide where best to post this, as I intend it to be an on-going thread (based on the supposition that I, myself, find the required personal resource to be 'ongoing'). Probably it should be in the diary section, but I wanted to post in a place where people were able to comment/respond if they chose. Since my future right now feels like the very epitome of "the uncertainty principle" - I settled for here.

    The Undiscovered Country refers neither to 'death' as in Shakespeare's Hamlet, nor is it a reference to a Star Trek movie (although the undiscovered country of 'peace' would not be unwelcome at this point).

    What I am referring to is the future. Does it exist? Is it worth the pain I am experiencing right now? Is it possible to trust again? Love again? If the future holds nothing but loneliness and pain is it a better option (on a logical and rational level) to choose to end things now?

    The very real truth is that at the moment I do not know.

    I do know it is nearly the end of 2013 and I am 32.5 years old. I feel, right now, as if the world ended. I feel lied to and betrayed, hurt and broken, worthless and unlovable. I understand of course that feeling something does not make it true. I understand that my thoughts "may not be accurate" as the man from the hospital crisis team informed me. That does not make the feelings any less painful or the thoughts any less debilitating.

    I have not ruled out suicide. Nor have I ruled out living. The way I see it is this:
    • Suicide would end the pain I feel now - I would never have to feel anything again. It would be over. Blessed relief. While this is currently the most appealing option, the truth is that I love him and while he may never know, or care, if I ended my life - if he did know he MIGHT care and causing him that kind of pain or guilt is simply not an option. Not yet.
    • Living indefinitely with this loneliness and pain is illogical and ridiculous. In this state I benefit nobody - I contribute nothing. People may argue that 'love' is not the be-all and end-all. I disagree. Wholeheartedly. For myself. Each person is different and for many it might be very possible to live a happy and fulfilling life without love - but for me it is not. It is the keystone in my ability to function, in my ability to CARE about functioning. It is the driving force behind my ambitions and the motivation to be better.
    • Finding love and happiness in the future is not an impossibility. I recognise this is true even if I do not emotionally believe it. I also recognise that in my current state and current life, that is not going to happen. To improve my life I need to improve my life.

    This is where it gets tricky. How do you IMPROVE YOUR LIFE? Where do you find the motivation? How do you function through the pain? The aim of course is to create a life where the pain is gone and does not prevent you from functioning, where you are motivated, where you are not too depressed and suicidal to move forward.

    How do you create that life from a state where the pain prevents you from functioning, where you are not motivated and where you are too depressed and suicidal to move forward?

    I do not know.

    I do know I cannot do it today. Or tomorrow. Or next month. I do hope I can make a valid, meaningful, life altering START in the course of 2014. It seems logical to first identify the problems:
    • I am in a debilitating amount emotional pain from the loss of my best friend.
    • I hate my body and I hate my appearance (resulting in reclusive behaviors and destructive thought patterns).
    • I have systematically isolated myself over the course of the past five years and have very little by way of social life.
    • I have a history that cannot be undone or hidden from - one that could easily impact future relationships.

    I do not have any answers yet. No solutions. At the moment my 'life' is about getting to tomorrow. I do not know how to do more than that. I am aware this post is FAR TOO LONG for anyone to read. That is fine. It is not New Year's Eve - but now seems as good a time as any to publicly declare my resolution for 2014:


    No, I do not yet know how. No I do not expect it to be easy. But this time next year I hope to be writing on this thread and for the option to die to no longer apply. I do not anticipate that exploring 'The Undiscovered Country' will be without pain and without hopelessness and without setbacks. I hope not to do it alone.
  2. ronnymarie

    ronnymarie Guest

    Not too long for me to read at all.

    I really hope you are writing in this thread one year from now, and you are in a place where you are feeling peace, contentment and some happiness, and that ending your life is no longer something you think about.

    We have to remember that to our hearts, when we lose someone, it is the same feeling as though they had died. We have to give ourselves time and permission to grieve. But it does get better. It will hurt less in time, even though we can’t always imagine how.

    Just taking one day at a time as you are now is the best way to get through this. One step at a time. Take care of yourself, eat and sleep well to heal. Then start taking those small steps to change your life into one that you will truly be happy to live.

    I’ll be rooting for you, and looking forward to that post next year!
  3. Cariad_Bach

    Cariad_Bach Staff Alumni

    You are not alone.
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Your post wasn't too long to read, you should see what I can write when I get on a roll. :lol: I'm glad you aren't accepting suicide as the only option now, and I hope that you are able to find the happiness you deserve. I know how hard it can be to find a way out of the darkness, but we'll be here to support you all the way. :hug:
  5. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Thank you for the replies guys - and for trekking all the way through the post!

    January 1st 2014 - ack.

    well half the day has gone and I have done nothing. That is... not a good start. Powering through the morning panic attacks, feelings of futility and deeply missing my best friend too a while. So many of the things I want to do this year, I want to do WITH him, with his help and his humour and his insight. Maybe those things will have to wait.

    SO okay... Things done to TRY to improve things a little despite having no interest at all in doing any of them right now:
    • Joined a choir - first rehearsal Tuesday 7th.
    • Joined a concert band - first rehearsal Saturday 11th.

    No idea at all how I am going to afford either currently but powering on through that anxiety because otherwise I will do neither. And without change nothing changes.

    Currently at about 20lbs down from where I was in the middle of November which isn't in the least bit healthy in terms of speed - especially losing 10lbs in the last seven days due to massive emotional pain/stress - but certainly not to be sniffed at when the goal is to shift 120lb total eventually.

    I need to leave the house now. How's that for a goal? :/
  6. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Freya! I hope you'll keep in touch with your progress. There will be bad days but then there will be good days. Keep posting and process your thoughts and feelings with us for you are not alone. MANY of us can relate and we learn from each other how to cope with our depression, etc. This forum is filled with so many supportive people through good and bad times. Please keep hanging on, for that's all we can do as a start.
  7. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    January 2nd 2014 - Urgh

    I really thought - up until about 30 minutes ago - that I was doing a little better today. Now I am trying to decide if I would feel better or worse if I let myself cry like I want to.

    I am so so worried about him it is like a crushing suffocating pain. I can't help - I can't change anything - I can't give him the things I promised him. I feel like I let him down. I feel like he is sad and it is my fault. The very real truth is that I just want him to be happy - even just a little bit happy. And I feel so useless and helpless.

    So many things I need to do that I keep avoiding. Maybe a list will help some. Give me something to check off.
    • Call the bank.
    • Call the car insurance company.
    • Write a shitty letter to the DVLA.
    • Check my bank balance (urgh urgh urgh)
    • Clean the flat.
    • Bag up the crap that needs taking to the dump.

    That already looks way too long to be manageable and that isn't even half the list :( how do you find the energy/motivation/inclination to get the things done you know need doing when you feel so sad it doesn't feel like it matters? Any advice or hints/tips would help.

    I hate that other people's moods affect me so badly. But I have felt okay today - for a large portion of today I felt fine - and that is a good thing. It is a start. There were portions of today when I felt normal - when I laughed. Focus on the positive parts of the day. Getting to 8:30pm without needing to cry is a huge step forward. Right?
  8. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I know that for some people a good cry can be cathartic, and if that happens to be you, or in any way may provide some relief, then I don't see a huge problem with it. I suppose like anything else, it can be overdone, and then perhaps be sort of counterproductive. But I do believe that you should not worry excessively about it, as it would at least for me make matters worse.

    I think that it is absolutely commendable that you've joined a choir AND a band. I believe that these activities will give you great joy, and a sense of accomplishment. I used to play the trumpet and it was one of the highlights of my life. In fact, it may be the best I've ever done at anything! The camaraderie that you establish will be very beneficial and I hope that you don't underestimate it's positive power.

    The loss of a best friend is an immeasurable pain, so I feel very badly for you as I know what that's like to go through. And it isn't easy to get over, so I wish you the best of luck--I'm no expert (on how to get through it), but time may help find another set of tasks and ultimately friends &/or a friend to take its place. If I've learned anything looking back on my experience, I would've spent considerably less time beating myself up over the loss. It doesn't do any good. I didn't learn anything. It just made me feel worse. And worse. Another thing that helped me get past the issue was to look at the relationship from their point of view, with regards to their responsibility in the wrongdoing. Slowly, but surely you may begin to see that it wasn't all your fault all of the time and that it indeed could have been different or improved with their help. Additionally, I would've like to be able to understand that I was going to have to accept the result of the lost friendship before I could finally let it go.

    You seem very organized with respect to your to-do lists. Good for you - I wish I was that way, it'd make my life much more manageable. When it seems overwhelming due to your feeling unwell, it might help to just focus on one thing at a time. And furthermore, just do it, as opposed to over analyzing all that you have to do for each individual task. Even if it's only one item each day. You might be surprised at how easy it is once you actually start doing it. As opposed to constantly thinking about doing it. What's the saying? The journey begins with one step? I don't know, that's just what works for me, if I really think it through I'll become paralyzed.

    (now how's THAT for a long winded post!)
  9. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Thank you for the response MisterBGone - it made me smile which was a minor miracle at the time. I wish I was as organised as I appeared to be; it is all very well having a to-do list, but if you do nothing on it then it benefits nobody really. Still have done none of the things on the list and am congratulating myself on having gone to work and gone to the supermarket which are such little, basic things that the celebration of them seem laughable.

    January 4th 2014 - Sigh

    Four days into the new year... and at 17:14 the only living people I have seen today are people walking around the supermarket - the only conversation all day is a handful of sentences said to me in chat here. And even then I feel very much like I am imposing on other people's conversations rather than being a part of the conversation myself.

    But... alright. Moping about it changes nothing. So instead of having the things that are making me sad and anxious running around my head and contributing to each other until they become unmanageable, lets break it down:
    • January and February are going to be financially very very difficult.
    • I miss him.
    • I feel ugly and undesirable and disgusting and... you get the idea.
    • Work is ridiculous and I don't know how to fix it - or if it is even fixable.

    The money issue for January and February means that taking steps that will cost me £100 a month in petrol (going to band and going to choir) are realistically going to have to wait - and that makes me really sad - it was meant to be the year of change not the year of "wait until you fix your overdraft before you can start to fix your life". I know that eight weeks is not that long - keep telling myself that.

    It was meant to be that I was working toward saving up for something important - something exciting and wonderful - and that is gone. Probably forever and that makes me sadder than I can describe. Trying not to think about it; can't change it and no way to know if it will ever be a possibility again. Working on the presumption that it isn't but cannot kill the tiny flame of hope.

    Feeling ugly and undesirable isn't something I can fix in a week or a month or a year. I know that. It is a process and I haven't 'fallen off the wagon' despite temptation. I know I can lose 100lb... not this year perhaps but in the next two. What I can't do is fix the horrendous state of my body afterwards and that makes it hard to find the motivation to swap disgusting fat for even more disgusting loose skin and sag.

    It is a process. It is a journey. Standing still gets you nowhere. Keep going keep going keep going.
  10. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I like to go to the coffee shop by myself--like I've got a choice--& just sit and listen to everybody all getting into a caffeine-frenzy while I read & write. Plus, I'm an expert flirter with the girls behind the counter (NOT!). As wierd as it sounds, when you become a "regular" at any type of establishment such as this, you almost become like a member of a group, or a social-society, or I can't quite think of the proper term, but I bet you get the point; because I am beyond incoherent as we speak... You see the same faces every day (& they sadly see yours: smile purty for said tip!) and a relationship gets established, as minor and meaningless as it sounds & seems. The feeling of acknowledgement from a made connection with another series of human beings is almost as profound as that of a friend, or a coworker, or a cousin to those... I had some other brilliant thoughts, but I'll keep them to my self for now.:) Peace! -j.
  11. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Thank you MisterBGone - unfortunately today I am mostly thinking "why the fuck bother?"
  12. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    January 7th 2014 - Breathe

    Fresh air helped some - I can breathe a little now and haven't cried in the past hour. Checked bank balance and is not quite the utter dire straits I thought it was going to be which is a relief. Sent letter to the DVLA so at least one thing on the monumental to-do list is done with. Registered delivery (£6.50?!) so they can't keep claiming that they are not getting my letters.

    Need to do a whole bunch of other things. Working up to it. Hoping I feel better once it is done and very scared that it won't be. I think that is the worst thing - what if you 'fix' all the things you know how to fix and everything is still awful? And no I know that isn't a helpful thought pattern. I know that none of these thoughts are rational or stable... and there is a section of my brain that knows they are potentially distorted. Breathe.

    Call the bank
    Call the car insurance company
    Call the debt collection place that rings 8 times a day.

    Deal with it.

    And for the love of all things, clean the damned flat. It is disgusting! :/
  13. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Don't Worry, Be Happy..:) I'm sorry! I was watching Cocktail today--the one where Tom Cruise is a bartender & romancing The Karate Kid's girlfriend. I wish it were that simple: not worrying; but it is probably the best advice I can give you. Good for you on accomplishing some of those things on your to-do list. I know you don't think so, but that is note-worthy (especially when it is that hard). When I go shopping I just think up a number - say five - & then I'll remember everything I need. If I don't do this however, I always forget something, so give don't forget to give yourself some credit every now & then...it's okay! Later.
  14. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    10th January 2014 - Okay

    Today has been better. Started out sad and hurting and lonely as hell - but it is remarkable what a little reassurance and some actual conversation can do. Instant 'feel better' magic. No need for Hogwarts at all. Might even sleep tonight!

    Been thinking today -after some prompting - about feelings and the difference between knowing and believing. I am wobbly on a lot of points and flat out do not accept others (I am stubborn - sorry) but in the name of making an effort, lets start with some things I know:

    • I tell myself negative things to 'head off' the pain of disappointment and rejection. If I already 'know' it then it does not come as a surprise - I have already dealt with it.
    • I am led by emotions but I have an analytical brain. I have a need to know 'why' and 'what' - without enough information to process something, I feel anxious and panicky and engage in negative self talk to prepare myself for the worst case scenario.
    • I have low self esteem and consider the opinions of others to be of far more importance than my own. I value myself as I perceive others to value me - taking their words and actions as 'evidence' of their opinion. The more important a person is to me, the more weight their opinion holds.
    • I intentionally avoid or make myself invisible in social situations because I lack the confidence to deal with conversation or attention of any kind from people with whom I am not entirely comfortable, despite knowing logically that my social skills are not insufficient.

    There are plenty of others but that will do for a start. I do not know if recognising and accepting the issues counts for anything at all. Perhaps not if I am unsure how to address them.

    I suppose I should try for some positive things I know to be true. Affirmations or something:
    • I am a well intentioned person who is kind and forgiving and compassionate.
    • I am smarter, learn faster and am more adaptable than the average person.
    • I am curious, interested and open minded on the majority of topics.

    That will have to do... I am out :/

    Its a start... right?
  15. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    10th January 2014 - Cont...

    Feels like today has lasted forever. Suppose it has if you count 'from midnight'. Has that surreal dreamlike thing you wish you could wake up from. Soon ideally.
  16. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    11th January 2014

    Deleted this post. Because there is nothing to say that matters. Nothing anyone in the world cares about.

    I will not be continuing this thread.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 11, 2014
  17. Cariad_Bach

    Cariad_Bach Staff Alumni

    That's not true Freya. I care, greatly. I owe you a great deal. Please continue. Please keep up the thread. You saved me yesterday... again. Please don't leave me. :hugsquish:
  18. Arun

    Arun Well-Known Member

    Hi Freya,

    i don't really know you that well but reading your thread just now has done a few things. I'm reading someone who is honest and articulate, has some measure of insight (even if it's insight about your pain), and someone who is brave enough to share these insights with others. And yes, i do realise that you probably don't agree with my assessment of you, but that is what i have gotten from reading this. I really admire you for writing this, and these four things are what i aspire to be and you have pushed me on to continue trying. Thank you
  19. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Cariad - I think you misunderstood - I am not leaving you or anyone. I am sorry if I gave you the impression that I was saying goodbye or something; that isn't what I meant. (Apologies to anyone else who read and assumed the same thing - I had no intention of giving that impression!)

    Arun - Thank you. I am glad that my thread somehow pushed you on to continue trying - I do not really agree with your assessment, you are right. If you spoke to me in real life you might reconsider articulate for a start lol. But it is nice that I somehow give of the impression of those four things in any case.
  20. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    January 12th 2014 - Focus

    Setting aside emotion is not a natural thing for me. In fact, it is not simply unnatural, I am not full convinced that it is possible. Not for sustained amounts of time. The problem is knowing what you should do, what you WANT to do, is one thing. Pushing aside your hurt and your pain far enough to do it is entirely another. Wanting the people you care about to be happy is a given. It might even be the most important thing in the world; the happiness of the people you love - but remembering that when you are broken and hurting... that is a wholly different matter. I fail far too often to stop and think about the impact of my emotions on other people. I fail to stop and think before I react or respond. I make assumptions that are not accurate - I assess the 'evidence' and draw conclusions based on my own emotions, and suppose that my conclusions reflect their emotions. That is wrong and unfair.

    As Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman - "The bad stuff is easier to believe". It is easier to believe that you are unimportant, that you are less, that people feel that way about you than it is is to have faith that your insecurity and fear is just that. It is easier to give in to the fear and do what you can to protect yourself than it is to open yourself up and risk more pain. The fact that something is easier does not make it better. Fear and insecurity are, in the end, not protecting you; they are hurting you, and very probably the people you love. I do not want the people I care about to hurt. I definitely do not want to be the reason for it.

    So - recognising that - how do I move forward? Because if one thing in life is undeniable, it is that you cannot go back. The way to happy HAS to be forward because backward is an impossibility. You cannot fix that which is broken, but you can take the pieces and form it into something new. Something better. I can take the pieces of myself and form them into something better.

    In the interests of forming myself into something better:
    • Actually invest the time and effort needed into building a business of my own.
    • Continue to lose the weight that I need to lose (26lb down... keep going)
    • Earn enough money to correct the things I hate about how I look.
    • Have faith - believe in the goodness of other people. Believe in the goodness within yourself.

    The last of those, of course, is the hardest. It is also, I recognise, the most important. There will always be pain. There will always be hurt. The pain and the hurt do NOT negate the good things - they exist alongside them. I will work hard on not letting my fear and insecurity hamper the happiness of the people I care about. I will work on not letting my fear and insecurity weigh me down and stop me moving forward. I accept there will be setbacks and days when I can do nothing but curl up and cry but I will not suppose that the bad things I believe are necessarily the truth.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2014
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