The Undiscovered Country...

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Freya

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#61
March 14th 2014

I have been really good all week. I have thought happy thoughts. I have been determinedly upbeat. I have made headway at work and I have worked really hard on not thinking or feeling anything negative. And now it is now. It is nearly an hour and a half since everyone went home and I am in the office alone for the third night in a row because going home hurts. I should leave - I am not doing anything useful here - but all there is at home is 62 hours of loneliness. Hoping for scraps of conversation from people too busy to talk to me. The friend I used to have brunch with on a Sunday has moved away and made it very clear that now he had less free time his "real friends" (his words) were a priority. So no more brunch. Just me - alone - until work again on Monday morning.

I am exhausted and sleep simply will not come - not in any useful form. It is broken and barely adds up to a workable number even if you take it in pieces. It is filled with nightmares and the sad part is that the nightmares in large part are actually only a slight amplification of the waking situation.

I want a hug - and there is nobody in the world to give me one. Not today. Not at any point in the foreseeable future. I feel alone. And I am sad.
 

Freya

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#62
March 24th 2014

Struggling to breathe today. Literally. Alternating between nonsensical panic that makes me hot and dizzy and sick, and simply struggling to fill my lungs. Not the most fun and, worse, completely without reason or cause. Inhaler hasn't helped... maybe its not really physical. I don't want to be here but then, I don't really want to be anywhere. Not unless I can leave myself behind.

I am trying to think of some positive step to take to help but I am drawing a blank. So that leaves me with waiting until it passes.
 

Freya

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#63
March 28th 2014

Struggling with hurt feelings today.

I need to stop fucking foisting my company on people who do not enjoy it or get anything positive from it. I don't want conversations driven by 'will feel bad if I don't' - I don't want invitations to hang out phrased like "I feel bad we haven't hung out for a couple of months - we can have coffee if you want?".

People apparently do not actively want to speak to me. People apparently do not feel driven to seek out my company because they LIKE it but rather to save them from guilt or feeling bad. What a delightful combination; being so unfun/uninteresting combined with being sniveling and selfish enough to make people feel bad about what is essentially my fault. If I had the choice, I wouldn't be near me either.
 

Freya

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#64
March 28th 2014 cont...

Been a shitty day. Random fits of tears at work, feel... just without worth basically. In life. More than one person would be grateful - happier - if I just went away forever and I was not an extra problem, an extra duty, an extra thing to have to spend time on or think about. I actually try really hard to not be a problem. To not say how I feel. To not cause a fuss. Turns out I do not try hard enough.

I would like to be a good thing - a thing that is not a chore.

I will not be a chore. Not anymore.
 

Freya

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#65
30th March 2014

There is far too much of today left. I want to find some sleeping meds and make the rest of it go away. If sleeping forever were presented as an option right now then I would say yes without a second thought.
 

Liquid Jello

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#66
sorry to hear things are so rough, Freya. I'm struck by the number of really nice as well very interesting people on this forum, who nonetheless are so isolated. even so, I fall into that category pretty much myself. the one good friend I had who lived in the same city where I am, for reasons unknown to me, cut things off. thank goodness I still have a couple of dear friends I talk on the phone with weekly, tho in ways it's not the same as being with someone in person. hmmm...makes me think maybe I could do the skype thing with my long-distance friends. maybe that would make it feel a bit more like they are "here."

so I've wondered why so many of the members here remain so isolatated, tho certainly and unfortunately isolation/loneliness can be part and paracel of the depression. and I also wonder to myself -- aside from the "join a club" advice -- what I might do to find some "real life" friends where I live. anyway, Freya, u most definitely would be in the "very cool and interesting" category of Forum members, tho we've never really directly chatted. but forgive me if I"m rambling. maybe cya in the chat room again sometime?

take care, Freya.


regards,



chuck
 

Freya

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#67
April 11th 2014

I have a song spinning around my head today. The lyrics start:

What's the perfect balance
Between yelling too much
Or not yelling enough
So that people don't walk over you?
Is it a crime to just want to be nice?
To avoid confrontation
And show everyone a little respect?

Time after time
I find that I'm struggling
To tell you
What's burning inside
A glimmer of hope
That you'll finally see
Yet I remain quiet.

I feel very much like even when I try to talk - when I try to assert my needs - I get fobbed off. We will talk about it later. We will deal with it later. And I do not want to have a fight and I do not want anyone to feel bad and I don't want to have to jump up and down and cause a fuss in order to not get pushed aside and forgotten about because there is ALWAYS some other thing that gets in the way - some more important person/event/task/chore. I do not lack so much value that socialising with me is something that should be squeezed into small spaces between more important things - or multitasked DURING more important things. I try very very hard to be accommodating and flexible and I am tired of pretending it doesn't upset me to be cancelled, stood up, blown off. I am tired of token gestures as and when I finally state that I am bothered by something. I should warrant that basic consideration and respect without having to kick up a fuss.

But I don't. Apparently.
 

Freya

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#68
April 17th 2014

Already irritated today - not a good sign. Get to work to be informed there is a really important client meeting today that I need to be in. Which is all well and good but finding this out more than 2 hours before the meeting would have been useful, especially given I now need to go home and change into something client appropriate. Such a waste of time. Grrr.
 
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