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The Unknown

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Entity, Aug 18, 2011.

  1. Entity

    Entity Well-Known Member

    There's times when I can feel so whole and balanced and then there's the unknown, the times when i just have no idea what's going on. That time where i'm that unsuspecting victim in the darkness of my own thoughts. I'm the invisible yet completely in sight person.

    I don't know what it is, I feel like I'm floating into the abyss known as reality.

    I wanted so badly to start a new chapter in my life. I wanted to take control of myself and be my own person. I wanted to come to realization with myself. To Know that I am real.

    I'm starting to wonder that even after all these years, if I'm capable of such a simple task of being peaceful.

    Why is it that our brains are so keen to take full effect of all things negative and still find negative aspects in every positive aspect of our lives. Or at least my life.

    I'm tired of doing one small thing wrong and having it seem like the whole world has blown up on me. Am I that unstable?

    Last night, i cut, just because of something so ridiculously stupid. I made my friend mad, unintentionally. I couldn't stop thinking about it, and then one though led to another and so the emotions began to pour.

    I slept about 2 hours last night, which really isn't helping my headache, should probably go back to the doctor about that issue too, but i just haven't had the will to go.

    School starts soon and i'm terrified of that too. Partially because my now ex will be in at least 3 classes with me automatically and i'm not too sure of how fond of me she is anymore. I poured my heart out after we had broken up and we were still acting like we were dating and it was driving me crazy. Her response was that i was just like her ex. great. That's pretty much the last time we've really "talked" other than commenting on the same thing on facebook.

    Senior year is supposed to awesome, right? Why am i so terrified of it? It's like this is my last chance to prove that i am either a good artist and am capable of getting into an art school and fulfilling my dream of being an art therapist, or i'm nothing.

    My mom and I pretty close these days, although she's more of a friend to me than she is a mother figure, which is okay i guess, but it'd be nice to have that mom figure too.

    My dad is thinking about getting internet :) So i might be able to get on here more often but more importantly i won't have to ride my bike for a half hour to do my homework.

    But that's unknown too, i don't know why the unknown is so scary. Maybe that's why i don't like surprises and maybe that's why i'm so paranoid. I have no idea.

    Sometimes i just wish i had answers to my questions, but my questions require experience, not research.

    As much experience as i have in my young life, there's so much more awaiting me, so much more to learn, so much more to do and be a part of. This is my journey and sure it's a winding road to get there, but i think in the end it'll all be worth it.

    At least i hope it will be.

    I carry around my chakras everyday and i have a few peace and chakra necklaces to make sure i know that i have that to rely on, something to believe in.

    I'll try to keep up with my artwork and try to retain a feeling of wholeness, but it's taking me a long time to find someway to get that feeling to thrive.

    My brother is going to get put in jail soon, he steals everything now. He's proud of himself for it. He thinks it's cool, he doesn't talk to anyone in the family unless it's something that he needs and knows he can get it from a family member. Otherwise he talks to his fiancee and nothing more.

    My sister is doing well i guess, i'm watching the stages of her growth as if she's my own child, thought i had a big part in her being raised, i know that i am only a sister. She'll be 10 soon, and i still look at her in amazement from the feeling of it being only yesterday this little baby was in my arms for the first time.

    I feel lost, but i haven't been able to find myself or find anywhere where i might be hiding.

    I want to know that i am entity, but sometimes it's just hard for me to realize that i do in fact exist.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh hun you do so very much exist and you are more then just an entity You are someone so special and warm and creative. You will get into art school hun and you will find a new love it will happen all in time. Try not looking to far forward okay look at today and enjoy what there is in front of you now
    I am glad you mom is being so supportive of you I do hope you also can get internet as it can be very helpful in you upcoming school years hugs
  3. Entity

    Entity Well-Known Member

    You're always so kind to me :) thank you so much for that :hug: I want to know that i'm special and creative and to know that i'll get into to art school but getting into art school and being able to go there are so different. The school i want to go to is 40k a year so my plan is to try to attend a community based college which is a lot cheaper and then transfer for the art therapy graduate program at SVA when i can get my hands on 80k and get a steady grip on my art so that it's not so childish. and I want to know that i'll find someone to love me, but during my journey through life i'm finding although i am merely 17, that i have to first learn to love myself before others will truly love me. My mom is very spiritually inclined and i've been trying to get my mind to calm enough so that i can meditate with her, but so far, i've not been able to really get into that state of being.

    Really though, you've made me smile just by replying and showing that you care :) and i want you to know that i really appreciate it
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

  5. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    I can relate so much to you, and this post. I think being this young and the whole unknown is so terrifying, and I'm sort of still in the same stage, but it can be thrilling in a lot of ways. But seriously this post wow. You're going be an amazing artist/art therapist I can tell. And enjoy the ride as best you can.

    Oh yeah and I just noticed, paragraphs! (not being a smart ass). Because your threads all used to be this one huge paragraph, will everything all tied into eachother, a big overwhelming block. Maybe I'm just reading too much into it, but does everything being separated mean something? I sort of have learnt myself to try and tackle everything in small pieces, and it's a great to realise that there is an easier way to deal with things. And that it can be done.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 20, 2011
  6. Entity

    Entity Well-Known Member

    It does to a certain point mean something, I'm trying to organize my thoughts better and have been analyzing poetry like crazy, there was a bunch of enjambment and i had no idea what that meant. When i looked it up I collected the thought that it was just a continuous flowing thought train, so i took from that in my posts. Tried to organize it a bit better, think it lightens the effect of everything. And i really hope i'll be as amazing as i keep being told, still not sure how that's going to work out, really though.