Nope not suicide, thats been on the table since the late 70s. Its literally the unthinkable, as in my brain doesn't work as it should. I had two doc appts. yesterday (eye doc and pdoc) and they talked so fast not so much the pdoc that I am still struggling to remember what they said. Seeing as its 2:13 am I will probably wait a while and then try to put the things together into a notebook. Thats right ... a Medical notebook Sadeyes told me a year ago to start one and of course I didn't do it. Now I am wishing I had. I need records of why a certain medicine did or didn't (most didn't) work and dates and side effects, etc. I have a drooping left side of my mouth and sometimes I get slurry speech. Now is this the anti psychs and Tardive Dyskenesia (sp? sorry) or is it leftovers from a TIA (mini stroke -never confirmed). I went to a neurologist who, after MRI basically shrugged at me and said there is nothing wrong. He wouldn't even look at the pictures on my phone of the most severe of the drooping/pinching of the mouth (to be fair he had what looked like the head cold from Hades). I asked the pdoc again yesterday about it as it was drooping and I had slurred speech, she said, "How long since you've had a good night's sleep?" Well I dont remember the last good night so thats that. Pdoc changes meds all around, I'm so hopeful that I'm going to sleep that I set an alarm. Of course who is up at 2:22 am rambling on SF? And I am in the process of going back to work part time to make ends meet. I have no idea what sort of fairyland idea I had that said my inheritance would last forever. The only good news so far on the financial front is I quit smoking August 16 and have saved $750 so far. But I am going through a state based program to get the disabled back into work. Almost an imperiative as who is going to hire someone with an 8 year gap in their resume. TX Voc Rehab has sent me for psych and IQ testing (don't you love the little red and white blocks and what the heck does that indicate?) and a follow up appt. tomorrow as well as to the optician as my vision is blurry and reading books and papers very difficult. I need glasses and apparently after cataract surgery should always wear sunglasses (I'm pretty sure nobody told me this at the time). I am hoping Voc Rehab will pay for the glasses after my insurance pays its portion, that was how the exam terms went. Dealing with the govt is such a joy. The unthinkable is that my mind is mush. Even when I was psychotic my cognitive functions were sharp as a oops you know what. I knew and remembered every member here that came into chat by their S/N as well as true name (if they were comfortable with that, most were). I could watch main chat and pm several people in crisis at the same time as well as wield the banhammer occasionally. I can't do that anymore, and that applies to the rest of my life. Is it age or is it medication? Tdoc says age and I worry too much, but if my brain goes mushier who is going to make the calls in life that matter like medical and financial issues. I just needed to get this off my chest so to speak. Thanks if you've read my rambling.