the urge is sooooooo strong

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by bipolarkitty, May 19, 2007.

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  1. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    Normally I'm a cutter. But I've been really good and haven't cut in several months. Then about a week ago the urge hit out of nowhere. But I don't want to cut (the consequences suck), so I started searching for other ways to self harm that won't leave any evidence of it being self-inflicted. What I settled on could actually be very dangerous, but it's very appealing to me.

    I'm not scared at all that it's dangerous, possibly even life-threatening. I don't know why I'm not scared. To me it's a very simple and elegant method. It's very attractive to me. Maybe the fact that it's dangerous is even part of the allure of it.

    Here's what I want to do: I'm diabetic and I want to drive my blood sugar either extremely low or extremely high. I'm talking under 50 or over 600 mg/dl (that's under 2 or over 33 mmol). I know that it's dangerous to play with my sugar like that. I know it could very quickly turn into lethal. But it's all I can think about. I've become obsessed with it. I fantasize about it. I go to sleep and wake up thinking about it, picturing it in my head. It fills my thoughts when I'm awake.

    Unfortunately, I don't think I can drive my sugar up that high very easily, but I can definitely get it that low with antidiabetic medication. I'm not thinking of overdosing, but I know how to increase the effects of those meds. It's so simple and it's something I already do on a daily basis. All I would have to do is tweak a couple of things a bit. It wouldn't even really take that much more extra effort than what I'm doing now.

    Since I'm having these major urges I know that the last thing I need is access to those meds, and right now I don't have access. The problem is that I really do need medication to lower my blood sugar. My levels are too high and not going down. But I don't know if I'm strong enough to not give in.

    I feel the urge to do this in every cell of my being. It's so strong that it actually feels like withdrawl from a drug. I've tried to quit smoking and the withdrawl cravings I had for the nicotine felt like this.

    How am I going to fight it?
  2. sorry_mozart

    sorry_mozart Well-Known Member

    This sounds awful! I hope you get past these urges without hurting yourself, it could be really dangerous. I know how hard it is to get these thoughts out of your head (like the impossible command, "Don't think of an elephant ... NOW!") but they will pass with time. It sounds to me like you need to confide in someone, whether it's a therapist or a trusted friend, who will let you have only the medication you need when you need it, or even calling a helpline might be useful. And if there's any way you can distract yourself, just going for a walk or anything, it might help to do that.
    Take care, Mozart x
  3. no point

    no point Well-Known Member

    Please don't do this. I know it's hard to fight the urge. I know because I have done something like it and I'm still suffering from the consequences. So please don't do this. Maybe you could confide in someone, like a therapist. I just know it's really hard to fight the urge but I know you can. :hug:
  4. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    Well, I got my antidiabetic medicine today. It's the kind that makes your body produce more insulin. Easy to go hypoglycemic. It's even a common side effect of it. Now I just have to be strong. I think I'm gonna go get drunk. *sigh*
  5. blade

    blade Well-Known Member

    ive been through thid b4.
    thats awful ..and yes i do hope u get passed them..hit them...sumtimes i feel theres more to life.
  6. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    My doctor put me on insulin today. Now I've got 2 meds. I swear this is like giving gasoline and matches to an arsonist trying to kick the habit. :blink:

    In all fairness to my doc, I haven't told him any of what I've been thinking. If he knew, there's no way in hell he'd give me what he has. He'd find another way to regulate my blood sugar.

    I'm trying to be strong. I was terrified of giving myself that first shot tonight, but now that I know it's not so bad..... god I could do so much damage. I'm fighting it so hard. What I'm thinking is tantamount to playing russian roulette and I don't want to die.

    Why can't I stop thinking about this?? :huh:
  7. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Hey Kitty :) If you feel you are a danger to yourself, please talk to the doc...maybe you can get him to only prescribe you enough to last a day or two so that you have to go to the chemist (pharmacy) every other day or so in order to make sure that you cannot do harm to yourself? Just a thought. Please stay safe. Drink and smoke your brains out if you must, but please don't screw with your insulin levels sweetie :hug:
  8. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    awww hun :hug: :hug: :flowers:
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