Normally I'm a cutter. But I've been really good and haven't cut in several months. Then about a week ago the urge hit out of nowhere. But I don't want to cut (the consequences suck), so I started searching for other ways to self harm that won't leave any evidence of it being self-inflicted. What I settled on could actually be very dangerous, but it's very appealing to me. I'm not scared at all that it's dangerous, possibly even life-threatening. I don't know why I'm not scared. To me it's a very simple and elegant method. It's very attractive to me. Maybe the fact that it's dangerous is even part of the allure of it. Here's what I want to do: I'm diabetic and I want to drive my blood sugar either extremely low or extremely high. I'm talking under 50 or over 600 mg/dl (that's under 2 or over 33 mmol). I know that it's dangerous to play with my sugar like that. I know it could very quickly turn into lethal. But it's all I can think about. I've become obsessed with it. I fantasize about it. I go to sleep and wake up thinking about it, picturing it in my head. It fills my thoughts when I'm awake. Unfortunately, I don't think I can drive my sugar up that high very easily, but I can definitely get it that low with antidiabetic medication. I'm not thinking of overdosing, but I know how to increase the effects of those meds. It's so simple and it's something I already do on a daily basis. All I would have to do is tweak a couple of things a bit. It wouldn't even really take that much more extra effort than what I'm doing now. Since I'm having these major urges I know that the last thing I need is access to those meds, and right now I don't have access. The problem is that I really do need medication to lower my blood sugar. My levels are too high and not going down. But I don't know if I'm strong enough to not give in. I feel the urge to do this in every cell of my being. It's so strong that it actually feels like withdrawl from a drug. I've tried to quit smoking and the withdrawl cravings I had for the nicotine felt like this. How am I going to fight it?